- Jimmy: So, Coach, I was thinking about the music for our routine.
- Coach: Oh, really?
- Chazz: We're gonna dance to one song, and one song only: "Lady Humps" by the Blackeyed Peas. "What you gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk? I'm a get you, get you drunk, get you drunk off my lady humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps."
- Jimmy: [disgusted] I'm not skating to anything with references to lady humps. I don't even know what that means.
- Chazz: No one knows what it means, but it's provocative...
- Jimmy: No, it's not, it's gross...
- Chazz: ...It gets the people going!
- Jimmy: I don't share rooms!
- Chazz: I don't share SHIT!
- [pause]
- Chazz: The night is a very dark time for me...
- Jimmy: [to Chazz] It's dark for everyone, moron!
- Chazz: Not for Alaskans or dudes with night vision goggles!
- Jimmy: I see you got FAT!
- Chazz: I see you still look like a fifteen year old girl, but not hot!
- Chazz: Troubled childhood? If you consider a 9 year old kid with a 35 year old girlfriend troubled.
- Jimmy: They're laughing at us.
- Chazz: Hey. They laughed at Louis Armstrong when he said he was gonna go to the moon. Now he's up there, laughing at them.
- Chazz: Nancy Kerrigan. You an official here? Cause you've officially given me a boner!
- Hector: I totally want to cut off your skin and wear it to my birthday... It's coming up...
- Chazz: [to Jimmy's voice mail] If we went to a Halloween party dressed as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin. That's how much you mean to me...
- Bryce: Are you drunk?
- Chazz: No, but this oughta do it
- [smashes open a bottle of liquor and drinks]
- Bryce: I'd fire you... if you weren't so goddamn beautiful out there.
- [pause]
- Bryce: You smell like urine.
- Chazz: A lot?
- Chazz: We love you Denver! City by the Bay!
- Hector: It's embarrassing stalking a has-been.
- Jimmy: Get out of my face.
- Chazz: I'll get inside your face.
- Chazz: Personal philosophy? Clothing optional.
- Coach: You getting a lot of satisfaction from those 15 dollar hookers?
- Chazz: I am NEVER satisfied! It's a curse.
- Chazz: Mind-bottling, isn't it?
- Jimmy: Did you just say mind-bottling?
- Chazz: Yeah, mind-bottling. You know, when things are so crazy it gets your thoughts all trapped, like in a bottle?
- Chazz: I'm a sex addict. It's my cross to bear. It's a real disease with doctors and medicine and everything!
- Hector: I sent you a cup of my blood! Did you get my blood?
- [In front of enormous "Capture The Dream" sign]
- Chazz: Let's capture the dream.
- Jimmy: Capture the-wow I love it. Where'd you come up with that?
- Chazz: I have no idea where I came up with that.
- Jimmy: Cool.
- Chazz: Let's kick some ice.
- Chazz: No exaggeration, I could not love a human baby more then I love this brush.
- Chazz: [while trying to cut off the rope tied on his feet using one of his skate blades] Whoever invented rope was a real a-hole!
- Chazz: Don't make me kill her!
- Chazz: She's as cold as the ice she skates on. She's like dry ice. No, wait! She's colder than that. What's colder than dry ice?
- Jimmy: I don't know
- Chazz: I'll tell you what is, Oksana.
- Sports Anchor: [Jimmy MacElroy releases a dove into the air after his skating routine] It's *so* important to remember that that dove was in his suit the whole time!
- Hector: [to Jimmy after he's told him of a loophole in the rules of competitive figure skating that will allow him to skate again] Oh, I'm still going to kill you someday!
- [nods and walks away]
- Jimmy: I'm getting sick, you smell like aftershave and taco meat!
- Chazz: I think I see the Virgin Mary!
- Jimmy: No, that's not her.
- Chazz: [shoots fire out of his fingers at end of performance]
- Jimmy: Was the fire really necessary?
- Chazz: Ask THEM.
- Chazz: [Referring to his program] I hope you've brought your silver polish, MacElroy, 'cause that was gold.
- Jimmy: That was disgusting.
- Chazz: THAT, young man, is how babies are made.
- Chazz: I don't want to close my eyes, don't want to fall asleep cause I miss you Jimmy, and I don't wanna miss a thing.
- Chazz: Hey, MacElroy, was that your routine or a performance of Cirque de So Lame? Besides, you're too late; they already handed out the girls' medals this morning.
- Jimmy: Shut up, Michaels. That was textbook execution. Same scores I beat you with in Oslo.
- Chazz: I was on quaaludes, I don't even REMEMBER Oslo.
- Co-Anchor: [about Chazz] The only skater to win four national championships and an adult film award.
- Chazz: Help yourself to the Mane n' Tail all you want, but don't even look at the Verticoli...
- Chazz: I see you have learned to work the Google on the internet machine.
- Random Guy: [holding a hot dog bun with two hot dogs in it] Let me ask you something. Does that look right to you?
- Chazz: Thank you Denver, The City by the Bay John Denver.
- Jimmy: You ruined my dreams!
- Chazz: Dreams? Shit, I haven't had one of those in years.
- Jimmy: Zip it Chazz, just zip it, or I'll punch you in your crap-lousy face!
- Chazz: Hey, this ends tonight!
- Jimmy: It's daytime, you douche!
- Chazz: [while Jimmy is giving a speech] That's retarded
- Chazz: I'm a sex addict and I'm attracted to women.
- Chazz: And that's why I was a sex addict because no one ever loved me, but I learned something here today, that ice it doesn't belong in here
- [pointing to heart]
- Chazz: it belongs out there, out on the ice, in an ice rink. I never had a father okay, but I don't care because now I've got a brother
- [grabs Jimmy]
- Chazz: , this is my brother
- [grabs Katie]
- Chazz: and this is my brothers new girlfriend and she is not a whore. I'm in a lot of pain I think I'm gonna barf.
- Jimmy: Chazz, Chazz they gotta get you to a hospital.
- Chazz: What, no and miss the smell of sweet gold not on your life.
- [Chazz and Jimmy have tied for the Gold Medal in Men's Singles]
- Darren MacElroy: You're fired.
- Coach: What? I got him a Gold Medal.
- Darren MacElroy: No, you got him half a Gold Medal. If I wanted him to share, I would have gotten him a brother.
- Co-Anchor: [Describing Chazz] Chazz Michael Michaels: an ice-devouring sex tornado.
- Chazz: [backstage at "Grublets On Ice"] I hate my life.
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