The Crop

I saw this film last night on FTA TV and I must say the quality left me gob-smacked. So much so I had to comment here.

The Crop has to be one of the most inane films I have seen. It looked to me someone was trying to cash in on the success of The Nugget. The plot has more holes than a block of Swiss cheese.

The acting of the main character, Blade, was atrocious. He was unlikeable and I wasn't sure what to make of him. In the early part of the film you see him looking at some blokes smoking pot in disgust, throwing some tokers out of his 'strip club' and the next thing he wants to grow dope. He looks like a middle aged 'fat cat' in the corporate world and certainly not an underground figure and a supposedly 'bad guy' at that.

I like Rhys Muldoon but his talents were certainly wasted in this. Holly Brisley has since scored a gig in Home and Away and I must say she must've put this film on her credits. Not inspiring at all.

Anyway i cannot comment much on the plot as there basically wasn't one and it seemed to me they must of filmed one shot and then decided what to do next. Im not sure what genre this should be in, but to classify it as comedy is a stretch. There was not one funny line in it. Not even a throw away. If the makers thought that Rhys Muldoons screen girlfriend would bring a laugh, they should retire now. She had to play one of the most annoying characters I have seen. Total p!ss poor effort.

I'm sure I will see worse but to me this was utter tripe.

THE CROP has gotten the worst reviews of any Australian film in memory, not a real test because the majority of product is never seen by anyone who is likely to go into print about it. Some of the more austere local writers have called it the worst Australian film ever made - this from the country that produced Charles Chauvel's UNCIVILISED, Tony Ginnane's TURKEY SHOOT and Tracey Moffat's BEDEVIL - give me a break!

THE CROP is a a dog eared, jokey crime piece set in the eighties when it's author-producer-star's character is running a semi legitimate strip club by paying off the cops who are supplying the dope that his newly booze breath test fearful customers smoke in the parking lot before coming in to look at the girls for free. Being an enterprising type, he decides to get out from under by growing his own marijuana crop, which is beset by calamities from hungry bunnies to greedy Drug Squad coppers.

The plot has a nice anti-establishment quality that matches WOG BOY more than any other local film. Short, balding, barrel chested Elliot and model/actress Brisley, last seen hosting old Warner cartoons on local TV, make a rather endearing couple, particularly when doing their song together at the club. The misfit, commitment-shy good guys and their determined lady friends aren't something we are used to seeing in anyone's movies and the handling is better than expected - strike up the music when they hit the dirt back roads or repeat the mean money lender HQ montage each time the low life shows up. Now we're not talking Walter Hill here. There are disturbing holes in the action. Why does Elliot show up starkers? What became of the doper informant? Back focus is not absent. Its biggest fault is that THE CROP goes on too long but in the company of the funded, script developed, politically correct Australian film, this one represents a modest peak.

So why is it getting so much flack? Easy answer. This one is privately financed. The usual list of government agencies, that prop up most of these, is missing from the end roller. Where are the people who get to send their kids to a nice school or support their habit doing assessments, fifth script drafts or consultations on this one? That's not the way it works in an operation where actually making a film is incidental to the process. Too many rice bowls risk getting broken if that catches on.

I love crops. I did a course in crop. Did you know it was a T- level and did you know pigs weigh 500 stone and we learnt that in class getting ready for th harvest. Di you know that the harvest will be bountiful this year and did you know even though everyone in school thinks m crops are wilting they ARENT. Also I went to the swimming pool and saw the pigs doing back stroke all throughout the lengths of the olympic sized pool. Did you know that the were vey good and they swim up to 500 stones in length. Did you know that my crop are NOT wilting. And I also went to my crops and saw them and they were cute. Did you know I like to sing to my crops Fugazi and such. Did you know my crops love TX2 also where is this crop I wold like to sing parents by yungblud to it.

A friend gave me a free ticket to this movie so I went out and watched it. I've been saying how recent Australian movies are so mediocre, but the Crop misses even this modest mark by a fair margin - this has to be one of the worst theatrical releases I've seen in many good years.

There are so many things that are so wrong with this picture - it would be better to discuss about what went right, which incidentally isn't a lot. The movie opens up with a scene at a strip club in 80's, which is completely convincing to those people who have never been to one. I swear the place was lit so bright I thought it was an office party.

And then there is this voice-over telling you exactly the thing we are seeing. Why is the voice over necessary in this scene? Movies like 'Fight Club' or 'About a Boy', voice-over is used to create biting remarks that compliment what we see on the screen. It adds something additional. But in here, it's as dull as 'I own a strip club' - well, sir I see already that you do, you don't need to tell me that.

First scene wasn't a good omen, but I held out, but my hope was quickly dashed by the 'acting' skill of the main character Blade played by Writer George Elliot. Funny how the other movie character called Blade was so cool. He is so miscast in every conceivable way that it was almost surreal how bad he was. I have seen scores of school movies where actors work for free who were better than this guy.

Despite being the writer, George Elliot doesn't seem to realize that he is in a comedy piece. He comes off so stilted and so wooden, there was not even a single laughter in the entire cinema for the entire duration. Not even a small chuckle. People might have mistaken we were seeing Requiem for a Dream.

Other supporting characters get off lighter. Main female role, pretty Holly Brisley, might make a good Ralph girl but she is not, by a substantial margin, the right actor for the role. Above supplying pretty bad acting, she looks 20 and he looks 50 - well, it happens all the time, but the movie should have explore and explain little more about what this apparent age gap does to this relationship.

And there is this really, really annoying female character that I wanted to strangle myself - when you watch the movie you will know who I'm talking about here. So offensively annoying in every manner, in every scene, I wonder she had some personal retribution against people seeing this movie. Seeing her is like Chinese water torture.

Rhys Muldoon plays the best of Blade, and you can tell he is a good actor who just needs a good role, but even Edward Norton couldn't have saved this role.

Then there is the heart of the problem - the script. Problems should have been obvious from get-go, I can't imagine the producers couldn't see them at the development stage. I am not even complaining about the clichéd 'underdog vs system' theme, nor am I bitching about its so painfully dumb and obvious plot. I'm talking about its dialogue. Look, I don't expect Quentin Tarantino here, but please, pleeeaaase, have someone go through the script so it doesn't sound like a script written by some high school kid inspired by a few mildly entertaining episodes of Neighbors.

I think it all comes down to the damaging ego of George Elliot. If he was any smarter he would have cast Rhys Muldoon as its main character - and himself as the friend. It's obvious that George Elliot wielded too much power that blinded him from listening to common sense. But some people need to learn in hard ways.

It annoys me when a film gets a big screen release due to the sole fact that someone has influence .... this film is obviously backed by the author who has more dollars than sense. My annoyance comes from the fact that in a land (Australia) where film continues to take two steps forward then the odd step back a film such as this appears on the billboards of a popular cinema; not a run down DVD/Video store; the poster depicting an off beat comedy. Film viewers may be hoodwinked into thinking this may just be another "Little Aussie Gem".

In the case of "The Crop" they could not have been more wrong. It is a "Crok"; a crok of the worst type of celluloid tripe I have seen in some 5 to 10 years. The characters are desperately unlikable,the plot was obviously never a concern so was thus forgotten and the theme was obviously never quite decided upon even though the film was both cut an placed in the can.

My criticisms are harsh but if there are people reading this who have seen this crok then there is nothing more surer than the fact that they will agree with my utterances. I am however predicting a future for this "Little Not So Aussie Gem".

Yes I'm recommending that teachers, lecturers, media analysts secure a copy, even buy one to use as a tool(but only if you get a tax deduction). A tool to show innocent students and future film makers some outstanding examples of key film making no no's.

How not to devise dialogue which includes contemporary slang when the film depicts another era. How best to audition actors giving them a sense of how their character will shine!

My list is long so I won't go further in case I spoil the plot ... well there never really was a plot but it might spoil something about the education tool. And please don't forget, you should only see this crok if you can influence people educationally in the world of film. Certainly don't waste hard earned dollars in a cinema .. besides your time will be better spent mowing a lawn or planting a seed which might flower but never smoked ...