The Curse of El Charro

I have watched some of the worsts wastes of film in my time but this is by far the very worst. Too bad the director and producer weren't among the victims so that we could have been spared this travesty to film making. The movie made absolutely no sense. The sound director didn't appear to know what they were doing. This movie was definitely done on the cheap since the lighting and the sound both were sub-standard, considering that the actors and actresses were all unknowns there should have been more than ample money to hire people to properly do the sound and lighting. The next time that the investors decide to invest in a movie I hope they remember how pitiful this one was and decide against it.

When I saw El Charro, the first thought that popped on my mind was that this movie should be named "The Curse of What Could Have Been". That is, if the scenario actually made sense. The movie begins with Maria, a rather annoying girl mourning the suicide of her sister (and by the way, we never do find out what made Lucia kill herself), going on a small vacation with four "friends". Incidentally, the friends are four archetypes, such as the good old American Beauty (the only one who cares about Maria, apparently), a hip hop star wannabe and a goth pinup would be. Curiously enough, the last two get along fairly well and seem to enjoy the same kind of music. How that is possible, one can only wonder. How do you we get to the juicy parts? After a lot of patience. The script is unbelievably slow and 3/4 of the movie seem to serve as filler. This was especially noticeable in the bar scene. The girls, after having a brush with the law (avoided because the driver takes the mutter into her own mouth, er, hands), decide to stop in a bar and drink before continuing their ride. Sounds only natural, correct? That is exactly what we would do if we were on a trip between states, escorted by police in a bar. The bar, operated by a fundamentalist American with bad taste in music, seems to be patronized by a weird mix of hillbillies and psychos. When the girls want to leave (understandably so), the police officer makes them sit down because they will "miss the show". The movie then proceeds to show us a goth guy in a suit screeching in an old microphone lyrics that apparently should tune us in the movie, because they are relevant to the heroine's situation. ...Ok guys, you've stumped me. The patrons, BY DEFINITION, should rise as one and get that idiot of the stage, for one. He is completely irrelevant to the movie. He is filler. The whole scene is filler, as every clue that is revealed is just not important enough to justify this travesty. Even though it is true that the actresses don't act in this to save their lives, the truth is that they are given almost no space to even try. The characters are flat and two-dimensional, trapped in their own delusional worlds. No growing for the heroine during the length of the movie. She doesn't, say, come to terms with her sister's suicide. She doesn't even save herself. An angel with fake wings and a tattoo does it for her. This is a shame, because this movie does have a couple of nice scenes (when the crew doesn't go wild with the camera, that is). An old time movie sequence in the middle of the movie gives the story away in a much more interesting way that the heroine would ever be able to. The music at the approaching of El Charro is rather good. El Charro himself, although dumber than Jason the Hockey Mask Boy, has a couple of nice scenes and a certain presence. It's not his fault he's not given enough space to actually DO something beyond slash like there's no tomorrow. and why slash, anyway? Why not just a gun? What is the justification behind this? There is none. The script in this is just terrible, plain and simple. The actors are uninspired. When closing in, El Charro looks like a black metal fan with bad, bad corpse painting on (Immortal would kick his ass). The pace is slow, the sex scenes not really that interesting (and that WAS a shame), and the deaths find the viewers completely supporting of the ghost. I would have done it too, El Charro. It's OK.

Four completely unlikable characters played by four of the worst actresses ever seen, a script that moves along at a pace that would make a snail look like Wilma Rudolph, pointless and goofy religious "symbolism," awful lighting and cinematography... all add up to the biggest waste of time you will ever know. The only reason for sitting through this amateur self-indulgence is the hope that finally, at long last, the screenwriter will have an idea and something will happen (and, hopefully, some of these horrible people will get slaughtered!). We should pray for financial ruin to befall whoever financed this ridiculous twaddle so that these people can never make another film ever again. If you're expecting this to be one of those films that's so awful it's great, no such luck. Just plain awful. Period. But, at this point, the friends and family members of the filmmakers have managed to get the votes up to 8 stars. Don't be fooled; it's only a matter of time before real audiences start wasting their time and money on this catastrophe and registering real votes.

Watching this movie is like watching a car crash in reverse. It begins as a blurred, direction-less, and confused mass of visions and concludes with the climax and falling action occurring in a ten minute span. It's an hour and fifteen minutes of sex and drugs, until the director remembers that it's a horror movie and kills almost everyone in a ten minute span. To give a basic plot summary, a group of young women driving through the desert are stalked by a killer "ghost," who is really just a really tall guy in a poncho. The most frustrating thing about this movie is that you don't care for the characters, in any way at all. They aren't likable enough to make you want them to pull through, but aren't annoying enough to pray for a painful death. All except one particularly foul-mouthed girl, who is thankfully given minimal screen time and an extra bloody death, but I digress. Three of our four heroines seem to have double parked outside the studio, as they indulge in sex, drugs, and advanced stupidity as if they want to die as quickly as possible. Our fourth leading lady is plagued by constant violent visions and confusing flashbacks, including a memorable(for all the wrong reasons) flashback which takes the style of a Charlie Chaplin film, but without any humor or quality. Our evil ghost, channeling the spirit of Michael Myers, walks around in pure silence, the only problem being he is TOO slow and it takes an hour for him to get any serious killing in. Since our villain is traveling with all the speed of molasses in January, the director fills in time with enough bong hits to make Cheech and Chong envious. By the time El Charro actually begins his work, it's a good bet that you'll either be asleep or, in my case, toughing it out because you don't like leaving things unfinished. Either way, you won't see much.

El Charro opens up in a fairly interesting way, leading me to believe it was some sort of religious supernatural thriller. However these themes are pushed aside, and not really developed. Later the group of friends run into a creepy Sheriff, who escorts them to bar, filled with assorted weirdos, including a wheel chair bound death metal rocker, suffering from some kind of mental handicap. At this point I'm thinking the film is going to become a Devil's Rejects, or Texas Chainsaw Massacre insane family type of film. No again, they simply leave the bar, and the Sheriff, and his wacky pals are never developed beyond that. Seriously, the writer or somebody has really messed up here, the film is a jumbled mess, and I can't begin to imagine where they went wrong. The film doesn't know what it wants to be, one minute it's going for the intense dramatic angle with a girl coping with the suicide of her sister, the next it features snore inducing stereotypes trying to party, and get laid. Finally by the end, it decides to go the slasher route, but it's far to late. I rate this a two, because I know some of the actors' are better then the material, and there are a couple decent kill scenes in the end, though nothing special. For those of you wondering, there is a brief lesbian shower scene with Tabitha Stevens, but it lasts all of three seconds, and you don't see much of anything. On a side note, Lemmy what were you thinking? You have to stick with Troma man, you were great in Tromeo And Juliet, but this garbage is beneath you.