- [Matt finishes auditioning for Romeo]
- Penny Chase: Excellent, Matt. I love what you're doing.
- [to Ms. Hentschel]
- Penny Chase: I'll get him to butch it up.
- Ms. Hentschel: He'd need to butch it up to play Juliet.
- Patton Chase: You owe me, man!
- Parker Chase: Since when?
- Patton Chase: Since the womb!
- Parker Chase: What do you mean?
- Patton Chase: I mean you got all the good genes! You took the tall ones from me. And look at Pearce... You clearly took some pretty critical ones from him.
- Pearce Chase: [falls out of the laundry chute] Oh thank God, I've been stuck between floors for an hour.
- Roger: Alright, next. That guy. Dead end job, too many kids, stuck in a life that is a living hell.
- Penny Chase: That's my dad.
- Patton Chase: [after getting off the phone with a girl in a "rocky relationship"] Oooo I am SO up her shirt!
- Penny Chase: O so are you gonna use a step ladder or get a running start?
- Bob Chase: [Parker has the flu, but Patton doesn't want their dad to know] Parker, are you okay, you're all shaky and sweaty.
- Parker Chase: Yeah, dad, I'm just...
- Patton Chase: HIGH ON CRYSTAL METH!
- Bob Chase: Pearce, we need to talk. Why do you wear your pajamas to school?
- Pearce Chase: Oh! Well I realized that I get in my best ideas when I'm in bed falling asleep... in my pajamas! And it works. Like today, when I was in Math, I realized that if we blended letters and numbers, then Math and English could be one subject! You pickin' up what I'm layin' down, 4-1-4?
- Bob Chase: What's 4-1-4?
- Pearce Chase: Oh, that's "Dad" in Mathlish.
- Pearce Chase: [writing an email to his Mongolian penpal] Dear Yabba, I love the CD you sent me. I have to listen to it on my headphones, or my brothers punch me.
- [looks over to see Parker and Patton punching each other]
- Pearce Chase: Right now they are punching each other. Punching is a big part of American culture.
- [puts hat on head]
- Pearce Chase: I also like the hat.
- Bob Chase: You hear that honey? It's another boy. That makes three boys and two girls! Holy Crap, it's like a litter.
- Pearce Chase: Knock knock
- Bob Chase: Whos there?
- Pearce Chase: Orange
- Bob Chase: Orange who?
- Pearce Chase: Orange juice!
- Paige Chase: My guidance counselor says if I want to get into college, I need to do some extra-terrestrial work.
- Parker Chase: Hey! You stay away from Carrie.
- Penny Chase: What?
- Parker Chase: I've had it! Patton kisses my girlfriend. You kiss my girlfriend. I get nothing! I want to be kissed! Somebody kiss me!
- Matt: I'm on it.
- [grabs Parker and passionately kisses him. Then, hands him back the gum that ended up in his mouth]
- Matt: Here's your gum back.
- Parker Chase: [after a girl has left their date to see a movie with another guy] Why didn't you tell her you loved her?
- Pearce Chase: I did.
- Parker Chase: You said 'Baloop'.
- Pearce Chase: DAMN IT!
- Patton Chase: Baby Jesus reporting for duty.
- [looking at Julia, who plays Mary]
- Patton Chase: Hey, mommy.
- Carol Chase: Okay, honey, remember how I told you that girls are your equal, and there's no shame in losing to one, and most important of all you should treat them with respect?
- Patton Chase: Uh-huh.
- Carol Chase: Yeah, we're going away from that now. Okay, I need you to get back into that ring and toss that little bitch on her ass!
- Patton Chase: What do you think I'm trying to do? She's like an octopus with boobs!
- Carol Chase: You do this, and you can date girls again. As many as you want, as often as you want. You can even use my credit card.
- Patton Chase: Really?
- Carol Chase: Mmmhmmm.
- Pearce Chase: Written papers have been done to death. Next you'll want me to raise my hand in class instead of my pirate flag.
- Paige Chase: We'll have to sit with the loser kids at lunch! Penny, will you show us where to sit?
- Penny Chase: I don't sit with the loser kids, I sit by myself!