- [Spanky and Clara are neck deep in a ball pit and are discussing her bigoted views]
- Princess Clara: I don't see why I should apologize. I mean, where I come from all my servants are black... or Presbyterian.
- Spanky Ham: Yea, but honey, where you come from animated objects spring to life and spout silly catchphrases.
- Blue Ball: [springs to life] Whach'u talkin' 'bout, pig?
- Princess Clara: No, he's right, Blue Ball. Maybe I should just apologize.
- Blue Ball: Usually, Clara looks to us for advice, but this time it came from Spanky. It's a good thing too, because I was going tell her to shoot the President.
- Toot Braunstein: [trying to get Xandir's attention with her head in a guillotine] I swear to God I'll cut my fucking head off!
- [Xandir ignores her, Toot slices off her head and flashes him while Spanky takes a dump in her skull]
- Captain Hero: I could stick and stir anyone of these broads, but I really wish we had one of those sexy black chicks
- Foxxy Love: [Opens Door] Bling bling! Foxxy Love is in the house!
- Captain Hero: Damn, I am good! I wish we had a twelve-year-old girl and a donkey!
- [camera shifts from the door to Captain Hero several times; nothing happens]
- Captain Hero: Damn.
- Xandir: Why is it whenever something isn't working, your first impulse is to eat it?
- Xandir: [Flashback - Toot is eating the TV] TOOT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- Toot Braunstein: I couldn't find the Remote.
- Toot Braunstein: [drunk] I thought you loved me, Captain Morgan!
- [smashes bottle of booze against the wall]
- Toot Braunstein: Oh no, you're bleeding! I'll save you, Cap'n Morgan!
- [licks booze off wall]
- Spanky Ham: They're gonna cut off my health insurance? I'll be more diseased than Dumpy the Medical Waste Man!
- Dumpy the Medical Waste Man: [Cut to medical waste container full of syringes] Kill Me!
- Captain Hero: Hey, pig! Great news!
- Wooldoor Sockbat: Foxxy just bought us an insane amount of alcohol!
- Captain Hero: Are you defecating into a cantalope?
- Spanky Ham: [farts] Uh... this is awkward. I guess if I waited an hour, I coulda blamed it on the booze.
- Ling-Ling: [upon encountering a three headed acid spitting needle monster] Ling Ling pray for battle since Ling Ling first enter house! L. Ron Hubbard has finally answered!
- Vietnamese kid: Please Honorable Spanky-san. We are losing our jobs and we can't eat or live.
- Spanky Ham: Yeah? Well, me no care-y!
- Princess Clara: What is this thing in my mouth? / It's slippery and it's slimy / Travelling down my slender virgin pink esophagus. / Some black chick's tongue. / It's such a new sensation.
- Foxxy Love: I got a mayonnaise mama on my lickin' hole / And we've only just begun...
- Princess Clara: It's really quite thrilling...
- Foxxy Love: It's right. Now you know...
- Princess Clara: I can taste a filling...
- Foxxy Love: And it's solid gold...
- Princess Clara: I never dreamed I would be so willing / To let myself go.
- Foxxy Love: Tell me about it! / I'm totally frenching a racist 'ho!
- Princess Clara, Foxxy Love: This black chick's tongue
- Princess Clara: What a wonderful feeling
- Foxxy Love: Damn where'd this bitch get her earrings?
- Princess Clara: I've never had so much fun
- Princess Clara, Foxxy Love: As with this black chick's tongue.
- Captain Hero: How cool is this? / We've only been here a day / And I already find myself in a 3-way!
- Toot Braunstein: [after hearing of Spanky's game of crapping on pizza] You want to do *what* to pizza? The most tasty and delicious of all that is tasty and delicious? So you can sh*t on it? I should kill you where you stand!
- [punches a hole through the wall]
- Toot Braunstein: So, Clara, how was your day?
- Princess Clara: It was magical!
- Toot Braunstein: I guess it would have been if you were violated by a magician.
- Spanky Ham: What you need is some good old-fashioned positive reinforcement. You can do this.
- [starts whipping Ling-Ling]
- Spanky Ham: I respect you because you're you! There's two I's in Ling Ling!
- Spanky Ham: [laughing] Oh My God! she thinks your our servant, cause your black! Haa Haa, this is the best day of my miserable life, SWEEET! I love racism!
- Princess Clara: [Spanky, Clara, and Foxxy are waiting for a pizza in order to play a prank on the delivery man] I had never been more nervous. The pizza would be here in thirty minutes or less, and with Foxxy's hands tied up in her hair, she was as useless as a Mexican!
- Xandir: [while holding Ling-Ling] Hey, Ling-Ling, are you excited for Christmas?
- [Ling-Ling perks up and nods]
- Xandir: Too bad there's no such thing as a Santa Claus! I bet your disappointed.
- [Xandir licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off and passes it to Toot]
- Toot Braunstein: Ling-Ling, what's this in your ear? Is it a quarter?
- [Ling-Ling perks up]
- Toot Braunstein: No, it's a tumor!
- [licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off and passes it to a sickly-looking Wooldor]
- Wooldoor Sockbat: Hey, Ling-Ling, you, uh... excited for Christmas?
- [Ling-Ling perks up]
- Wooldoor Sockbat: Oh, no, it's a tumor!
- [licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off]
- [Clara just called Spanky's hobby of craping on pizza a little game]
- Spanky Ham: What? What did you just say? The travel sized version of Battleships, *that's* a little game! Screwing with the Pizza Man, that's a way of life! Its who-I-Am!
- Princess Clara: [about her octopussoir] Oh, please, please don't tell anybody. I'm afraid that I must ask you guys to keep my secret with a pinky swear!
- Foxxy Love: I pinky swear.
- Toot Braunstein: [They look at Toot] FINE! I pinky swear.
- [Clara's octopussoir also pinky swears]
- Captain Hero: [knocks on door] Clara, Toot told us that you have a monster for a vagina and we want to have a meeting about it.
- Princess Clara: How is that even possible?
- [Foxxy and Clara stare at Toot]
- Toot Braunstein: Oopsey-Tootsey! I couldn't help myself.
- Xandir: You used to care about me!
- Captain Hero: What?
- Xandir: You used to say I was pretty!
- Captain Hero: No, I didn't!
- Xandir: You used to dress up for me!
- Captain Hero: Only that one time!
- Princess Clara: You're probably wondering about my octopussior... It's french.
- [in the confessional]
- Princess Clara: I've never shared my story with anyone before. It's all so... so personal. I told the girls that the only way I could get it out was through interpretive dance.
- [she then dances interpretively]
- Foxxy Love: Really? When you was but a child, your stepfather cast a curse on yo' vagina?
- Princess Clara: What? Weren't you paying attention?
- [demonstrates a move]
- Princess Clara: My evil step *mother*! *Mother* placed the curse on me!
- Toot Braunstein: Uh-duuuuuh!
- Foxxy Love: Now Foxxy Love did not want a riot to break out - even though she 'sho could use a new TV set. So, Foxxy decided to call a house meeting.
- Princess Clara: Have you noticed we didn't get any screen time this week?
- Toot Braunstein: Well, uh, duh! That's because we've been in the basement all week making this awesome potato gun!
- Princess Clara: [in the confessional] The Producers told us that we must start a business of our choosing. I wanted to have a bake sale but the stereotypes had other ideas.
- Xandir: Let's open a hair salon!
- Foxxy Love: OOOH, we could shine shoes!
- Ling-Ling: I say full-release massage parlour that serves wok-fried puppies!
- Toot Braunstein: LET'S EAT POTATO SALAD!
- Wooldoor Sockbat: So God killed everyone... the good guys... the bad guys... and even Steve from Long Island... but not me. And I know why. With everyone else gone, I can finally enjoy masturbating the way he intended: by myself.
- Spanky Ham: Says to Princess Clara - if that will get you out of this ball-pit so I can check out that precious vertical smile of yours.