- Henry: It's gonna be alright, Luce.
- Lucy: [to Henry] Don't call me Luce. I barely know you.
- Marlin: Sweetie, you're sorta dating him.
- [Lucy looks at Henry]
- Henry: Sorry I'm not better looking.
- Henry: Appreciate your time. Not everybody would have stopped like you. You're real sweet.
- Lucy: Oh, yeah. Thank you.
- Henry: Okay.
- Lucy: Okay.
- [Henry pretends to get electrocuted while jump-starting his car]
- Henry: Hah! I can't believe you fell for that!
- Lucy: Well... my grandfather died while trying to jump-start a car...
- Henry: Oh... I'm so sorry. I was just joking around.
- Lucy: I can't believe you fell for THAT!
- Lucy: Yeah, that's right. Take that! And that! And that! And that! And that!
- Henry: You got him. You got him. Enough. Enough.
- Lucy: Are you okay?
- Henry: Yes.
- Lucy: Okay, I'll be right back. Hey! Come here!
- Henry: No, no, no. I think he's had enough. I'm sorry.
- Ula: My eye!
- Henry: You got him!
- Lucy: Not good enough.
- Ula: Oh, Kamehameha!
- Henry: He learned his lesson!
- Young Woman: So, you must be Lucy's friend. The one who made the tape.
- Lucy: I think he's more than my friend. You're my boyfriend, right?
- Henry: Yes, ma'am.
- Stacy: So every day you help her to realize what happened and you wait patiently for her to be okay with it... then you get her to fall in love with you again?
- Henry: Yes, ma'am.
- Stacy: [softly, almost beneath her breath] Gosh!
- [a longing sigh, then back slaps her husband's chest right over his heart]
- Stacy: You asshole! You don't even open the fricking car door for me anymore.
- Jennifer: [everyone breaks out in laughter] You're in trouble!
- [even more laughter]
- Jennifer: I gotta go tinkle.
- [repeated line]
- Lucy: Nothing beats a first kiss.
- Henry: Happy birthday, sir. What are you, like, 200 today?
- [Henry is pretending to cry to get Lucy's attention]
- Lucy: I wonder what's the matter with him.
- Old Hawaiian Man: Looks like a stupid asshole to me.
- Old Hawaiian Man: [about Henry's drawing on a napkin] Can I have that? I need something to wipe my ass with.
- Henry: Ha ha ha. Shut up!
- Update Video: Red Sox win series!... Just kidding.
- Update Video: Schwarzenegger becomes governor of California!... Not kidding.
- Dr. Keats: All I know about walruses is that out of all mammals they have the second largest penis. I have the first.
- Henry: That's my joke.
- Nick: Hey, Mr. Peanut Butter Cups!
- Henry: Hey, Mr. Could-Kill-Me-In-One-Punch!
- Old Hawaiian Man: Are you staring at me or her? 'Cause you're starting to freak me out.
- Henry: Settle down and eat your pancakes, huh.
- Dr. Keats: [to Marlin] Sometimes I wish my wife had Goldfield Syndrome. That way she wouldn't remember last night when I called her mother a loud, obnoxious drunk with a face like J. Edgar Hoover's ass.
- [to his children]
- Ula: You kids suck; you're good at everything!
- Lucy: [to Henry] Can I have one last first kiss?
- Henry: [disgusted] The Beach Boys? How nice of that man to give me a CD that will remind me of all the wonderful times I shared with his daughter. What an asshole!
- Henry: [starts singing off key to "Wouldn't It Be Nice", then breaks out in tears] Why would you do this to me, you sick bastard?
- Henry: [leans against the boat wheel sobbing, then looks back up] Oh my God, is he trying to tell me something?
- Lucy: I don't know who you are, Henry... but I dream about you almost every night.
- [apprehensive pause]
- Lucy: Why?
- Henry: What would you say if I told you that notebook you read every day used to have a lot of stuff about me in it?
- Lucy: I would say that that makes a lot of sense.
- Henry: You erased me from your memories because you thought you were holding me back from having a full and happy life. But you made a mistake. Being with you is the only way I could have a full and happy life. You're the girl of my dreams... and apparently, I'm the man of yours.
- Lucy: [barely able to contain herself, she reaches out and shakes his hand] Henry. It's nice to meet you.
- Henry: Lucy, it's nice to meet you too.
- Ten Second Tom: [just as they are about to kiss] Hi, I'm Tom!
- Henry: [on First Date #1] You know, why don't you try this? It's a kind of hinge.
- Lucy: Now, why didn't I think of that?
- Henry: You're too close to the object. Don't be too hard on yourself.
- Lucy: You're right. Sometimes you need an outsider's perspective.
- Henry: Fresh eye never hurts.
- Lucy: I'm Lucy.
- Henry: Yes. I'm Henry Roth. Nice to meet you.
- Lucy: Nice to meet you.
- Henry: See what happens when you play with sharks.
- Ula: Sharks are like dogs, they only bite when you touch their private parts.
- Ula: Hey! Kikikuloa! No flippies off the dock! You could get hurt! Let the Master show you how it's done.
- [after doing a painful belly flop off a dock]
- Ula: One of you kids go down there and find my nuts!
- Henry: [to Penguin] Okay, pal. When she stops, just let her pet you. Look cute. Go to the middle of the road. Thank you. Right there. Perfect.
- Lucy: Oh, shit.
- Henry: Here she comes. Smile. Where is she? Oh, my God! Oh no! Okay that didn't work. Shit your pants? So did I!
- Marlin: Doug, once again, off the juice.
- Doug: It'th not juithe. It'th a protein thake.
- Henry: [after Ula speaks in Hawaiian] Thanks buddy. What does it mean, again?
- Ula: Bring me back a t-shirt
- Henry: Okay, this is her. Start beating me up. Make it look good.
- Ula: Give me your wallet. Okay, haole, what do you think? You can come to this island, eat our pineapple.
- Henry: Help me! Not so hard. Take it easy.
- Ula: Try to bang our women. Making my sister clean your hotel room.
- Henry: Okay. What does that have to do with this? Relax. Hey! Hey! Help me, please!
- Ula: Stupid haole!
- Ula: Really? Even though in 10-15 years she could possibly let herself go and then sex would be like, nauseating, for you?
- Henry: What, are you nuts? Your wife's right over there.
- Ula: I'm just kidding, Muumuu!
- Update Video: April: Snoop quits weed.
- Update Video: May: Snoop back on weed.
- Henry: I don't think that's an option, Lisa.
- Linda: Linda.
- Henry: I know. I changed your name for your protection.
- Henry: Actually I'm going on a trip in a little while to study undersea Pacific walrus behaviors.
- Doug: Thounds kind of fruity.
- Henry: Thank you.
- Doug: How long'th it going to take?
- Henry: Uh... about a year.
- Doug: I gueth you won't mith days like thith.
- Henry: Well, maybe days like this don't have to be so bad.
- Marlin: What are you trying to say?
- Henry: Well, when you guys tell her, she's not just finding out about the accident. She's finding out that her life is basically a setup. I think that's what freaks her out the most.
- Doug: Oh, you're an exthpert now?
- Henry: No. I'm just saying I wish there was another way besides: "Sorry we couldn't trick you today. Here's some pictures of your broken head."
- Doug: You wanna broken head, huh thmart guy?
- Marlin: Why? You gonna give it to him?
- Doug: No, Daddy, I thought you wath gonna do it.
- Henry: Nobody's gotta break my head, guys. I'm gonna split anyways.
- Marlin: [glaring at Doug] Don't go just 'cause my thon is thychotic.
- Henry: Good night. Sweet dreams. Keep 'em dry there Doug.
- Doug: Very funny.
- Henry: Pardon me. Sorry to interrupt, but I notice we were both eating alone and I thought perhaps I could sit with you, maybe build a syrup Jacuzzi for your waffle house?
- Lucy: Oh, that would be nice, but I have a boyfriend. I'm sorry.
- Henry: You're making up a boyfriend so you can get rid of me?
- Lucy: No. I'm not.
- Henry: What's his name then?
- Lucy: Ringo.
- Henry: Is his last name, Starr?
- Lucy: No. McCartney.
- Henry: Hey! Tattoo Face!
- Nick: Hey, Peanut Butter Cups!
- Nick: [on video] Since you lost your memory, I became governor of Hawaii. No, just kidding. I'm too smart.
- Henry: Can I ask you guys something? What's gonna happen down the line? Someday she's gonna wake up and look in the mirror and notice her face's aged ten years overnight.
- Marlin: You know something, Henry? I worry about that every day of my damn life.
- Doug: [to Henry] Well, I may not able to kick your ath but my thithter thure can.
- Dr. Keats: Tom lost part of his brain in a hunting accident. His memory only lasts ten seconds.
- Ten Second Tom: I was in an accident? That's terrible.
- Dr. Keats: Don't worry, you're totally gonna get over it in about three seconds.
- Ten Second Tom: Get over it? I mean, what happened? Did I get shot in the brain... Hi. I'm Tom.
- Lucy: [to Doug and Marlin] I can't believe it... Bruce Willis is a ghost!
- Henry: I bet you twenty bucks, I can get her to have breakfast with me again.
- Nick: You're on.
- Patient #1: Do you know who that guy is?
- Patient #2: Dude, I don't even know who I am.
- Doug: [gives Henry a box] Thith ith from Nick and Thue. They thend their betht witheth for a thafe trip.
- Henry: That's very nice. Spam and Reese's. All right.
- Doug: I love Thpam and Reethe's, can I have it?
- Henry: Um, I guess.
- [Doug grabs the box]
- Marlin: Doug!
- Ula's Kid: Hey, Dad.
- Ula: Not now, Keanu Mokokokakau.
- Ula's Kid: But your stitches are bleeding.
- [while playing golf, Ula has ripped the stitches over a shark bite on his waist]
- Ula: It must have been my huge back swing. You think you can stitch me up tonight after I get back from surfing?
- Henry: Yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
- Caddy: I wouldn't surf with a bleeding wound like that. You might attract a shark or something.
- Ula: What's wrong with that, cuz? Sharks are naturally peaceful.
- Caddy: Is that right? How'd you get that nasty cut anyway?
- Ula: A shark bit me.
- Caddy: Nice! Go smoke another one, bro!
- Ula: Oh, you crazy bitch!
- Lucy: Yeah, keep running!
- Alexa: I am grouchy due to lack of recent physical intimacy.
- Henry: Oooo...
- Alexa: Shut up, because here comes one-time only opportunity. What I will do now is go into your office and become naked.
- [Jocko the seal gives a disgusted growl]
- Alexa: Next move is up to you. I may not be as limber as I once was... but yeah, I make up for it with enthusiasm and willingness to experiment.
- [Snaps her neck]
- Henry: I don't know if you realize, I'm not into guys.
- Henry: Ula! Get back to cleaning the pool! And if that's one of your special brownies, don't let any of the dolphins eat that!
- Ula: How do you think I get the dolphins to do double-flips and play with the white kids?
- Henry: Okay, well, I had a great time.
- Lucy: Me too.
- Henry: Okay.
- Lucy: Would you like to have breakfast again tomorrow morning, same time? Because I teach art class at ten.
- Henry: Oh, really?
- Lucy: Yeah.
- Henry: I wish I could make it, but, yes, I will be there.
- Lucy: Take care.
- Henry: Okay.
- Lucy: One for the road. It is fishy.
- Henry: Got you good. Aloha.
- Lucy: Aloha.
- Henry: See you tomorrow. Oh, my God.
- Lucy: Oh, my goodness.
- Henry: Shit. I had a bee on me.
- Lucy: Alright.
- Henry: It was a big one.
- Old Hawaiian Man: [talks in Hawaiian] Which means "look at those two shit heads".
- Henry: [to Lucy] Good morning. Lucy! Lucy! Hey, hey, hey. Okay, I know this is hard for you to understand right now, but we are actually seeing each other.
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