The 75th Annual Academy Awards

Steve Martin's insults made this presentation! In light of the recent war in Iraq, many celebrities dressed down and even did not show up. But Steve Martin made us all forget when he started randomly insulting actors and actresses in the audience.

Some of his lines made the actors in the audience literally gasp in astonishment. Here are some of quotes from his hosting performance:

"Movie stars can be straight (camera on Harrison Ford), or gay (camera on Jack Nicholson)." "He got to go in a hot tub with Kathy Bates - but who hasn't?" "And Queen Latifah - or as I like to call her, 'sequel money'!"

Martin was the best thing about this otherwise out-of-place Oscars that just seemed too watered down. I think it's important to respect those fighting for America and England, but as they say, "The show must go on," and this show BARELY went on.

Despite the muted tone of the 75th Academy Awards, there were some outstanding moments and here are a few of the observations I care to make on the whole affair:

1) Adding not a bit of class to the televised event was CAMERON DIAZ, busily chewing gum and staring vacantly at some of the old-time presenters, as though she either didn't recognize them or didn't appreciate that they were a part of film history;

2) ADRIEN BRODY giving a genuinely heart-felt acceptance speech, including the surprisingly passionate kiss for Halle Berry! Talk about taking advantage of a situation, but at least he was honest about it;

3) MICHAEL MOORE making a complete jackass of himself by taking the stage to receive an award (for a non-documentary, by the way), and then erupting into a tirade against President Bush and the war that was greeted at first with abashed silence and then a round of well-deserved boos from the overwhelmingly liberal Hollywood crowd;

4) OLIVIA DE HAVILLAND receiving a standing ovation and still radiating good health and classic loveliness even with silver-white hair as she presented 59 of the past winners. Among the missing: ELIZABETH TAYLOR, which was just as well considering her diamonds would have weighed her down, even if she was sitting in a wheelchair, and would have called for even more of a bodyguard atmosphere than usual;

5) Among those who didn't look so well (some even shockingly bad), were KARL MALDEN, JENNIFER JONES (who looked like a wax figure), TERESA WRIGHT, GEORGE CHAKIRIS (another wax figure), KIRK DOUGLAS, DUSTIN Hoffman, PATRICIA NEAL and CLIFF ROBERTSON.

Although it was good to see a stage full of former winners, one couldn't help noticing how few of them resembled their former selves on screen.

STEVE MARTIN did an okay job as presenter, easily rebuffing Michael Moore with a clever comeback line about the Mafia, but unfortunately veering into tasteless territory with his jokes about MICKEY ROONEY's age or the sexual ambiguities of stars like JACK NICHOLSON and others.

I was especially impresssed with one of de Havilland's comments after observing that much had changed since the earlier times. "What hasn't changed," she said, in her gentle tone, "is our love of the movies. They inspire us and help us through troubled times." She's done so many Oscar shows as presenter (not to mention winner) and is always a reminder of how classy Hollywood performers used to be.

I watched this with a German girl while visiting the USA, only to find a German movie snatching away 'best foreign film' for the hands of the Dutch 'Zus en Zo'. The humiliation!

Steve Martin did an excellent job in his opening speech, and this is what I thought about the winners of the most important oscars:

Best Movie - Chicago. I'd rather had seen The Hours win here, but I can live with Chicago I guess... it's a bit of a simple movie but I somewhat enjoyed it, so why not.

Best Actor - Adrien Brody. Again, I can understand the Academy's choice, but my favorite would be Nicholas Cage here. Such a great performance in such a great film!

Best Supporting Actor - Chris Cooper. My choice as well. I have this thing going for Adaptation I guess...

Best Actress - Nicole Kidman. Definately can live with that.

Best Supporting Actress - Catharine Zeta-Jones. Ouch. Mistake of the year. Should've been Meryll Streep or Julianne Moore.

Best Director - Roman Polanski. I'm glad it wasn't Scorcese but my favorite would've been Almodovar for his Talk to Her, a great movie. I'm glad that won Best Screenplay.

One last thing: whatever you say about Bowling for Columbine, it's *not* a documentary. If you are willing to put half trues and whole lies in your film, it may be entertaining and all, a documentary it's not. So shame on YOU, Academy.

5/10.

Is it that time of year already? Despite the fact that the Iraqi war is in full swing, the ceremony still went ahead with, as Steve Martin wryly observed with his opening line, toned down glitz! The impact of the war made for a tighter, more controlled show. Personally I thought the `normal' dress style made the ceremony more relatable without the usual extremes of fashion and talk of how much so and so's shoes cost.

The subdued air also must have contributed to the show actually finishing on time for the first time that I can ever remember. Sadly it also meant that this ceremony had the lowest live TV audience ever. The subdued air had a big effect on the tone of the night. Steve Martin's jokes were OK but the audience were difficult. Some of his opening monologue was weak, slow and forced – the joke about celebs who slept with him was too full of pauses to work well. It also didn't flow very well – with sudden changes of subject not letting Martin pace himself. And where did that mobile phone come from?! His best line of the night? `Nobody is a loser here – but we're about to change all that'.

The actual awards themselves were surprisingly surprising. We all knew Chicago would take best picture and a hatfull of other awards but Jones for best supporting?! Also this was supposed to be Martin Scorsese's year? Yeah, GONY may not be anywhere near his best but it's the Academy's chance to make up for his missed chances – but no! Polanksi is a brave choice and it was funny to see Harrison Ford, without a hint of irony, say `Roman couldn't be here tonight!'

Best actor was a real shock and it clearly was to Brody who swore twice on stage! Personally if neither of the two favourites won I wanted to see Caine win for The Quiet American – his best work for years, but I guess no one wants a film that openly criticises American foreign policy at the moment! Michael Moore took the biggest talking point by calling President Bush a `fictional president leading us into a fictional war'. His film deserved to win and I was surprised that the very liberal Hollywood booed him as they did – I guess no-one wants their stock to go down as the public gets behind `the boys'.

Biggest surprise for me was Eminem winning best song. Again another brave selection – shame he refused to perform or attend due to being asked to tone his act down. However even with all these talking points the ceremony still felt very muted and Steve Martin wasn't funny enough during the proceedings to lift it as needed. He wasn't bad but I'd always admired Billy Crystal's ability to really lift it by his own presence.

Overall a good year for surprising winners and talking points. I like it when the odds on favourites don't sweep the board. The show is amusing with Martin pretty good in his monologue and not afraid to go near the bone on one or two lines, but mostly the ceremony was pretty drab. It always amazes me that the presenters of the awards are all great actors etc but can't convincingly read off an autocue!

As far back as I can remember, I wanted to be a GoodFella... sorry, I'll start again.

As far back as I can remember, I've been tuning into the Oscars; first the edited highlights while living in Barbados and stuck with CBC Channel 8, then the coverage on CNN (when they still carried showbiz stuff), and then when I returned to England, it was time to sit up late or get up early and watch them live. The Academy Awards, like them or not, still have a glitz and pull no other award show on Earth can match; the BAFTAs and the Golden Globes can try all they want, but no matter whether they come before or after, they'll always be mere appetizers to the main event.

This year's, back on BBC1 (who incidentally pretended that losing them to Sky didn't matter... okay, but why did they make such a fuss when they got them BACK?), was amazing not so much for the results - "Chicago" won Best Picture? Who didn't see that coming? - as for the fact that it only overran by about four minutes. Keep up the tight reins, folks (or maybe ensure that not all the nominated songs get performed again). The segments in between the awards with Jonathan Ross interviewing various Americans and Brits are always a cue for me to change the channel or mute it, but the rest of the show...

Five Bad Things:

1. The failure of Eminem to turn up and accept an Oscar for Barbra Streisand (E&B would have been a team for the ages).

2. The snubbing, for the most part, of "The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers."

3. The continuing prejudice of the producers (apparently if you're winning a major acting prize you can talk as long as you want).

4. Steve Martin's joke about Mickey Mouse being one of "America's leading black actors."

5. Jennifer Garner appearing alongside the aforementioned actor of colour (it must have been a Disney/ABC thing).

Five Good Things:

1. Jennifer Garner appearing and a) maintaining her dignity and b) being one of the best-looking women there (if she, Salma Hayek or Halle Berry are reading this...). No wonder she was nominated for an Emmy for "Alias."

2. Most of Steve Martin's other jokes (not least the one about Hollywood willing to work with actors of any age - "Young...[picture of Haley Joel Osment]... middle-aged... [picture of Natalie Portman]... or old [picture of Reese Witherspoon]").

3. Adrien Brody, for delivering the best acceptance speech of the night (sorry Michael Moore, but political statements do not count), and for not letting the opportunity to snog Halle Berry go by.

4. The fact that "Chicago" didn't win all the Oscars it was up for, sparing us from hearing "All That Jazz" 11 times.

5. The Oscars giving the Animated Feature award to the only non-American feature nominated (though non-Disney fans note "Spirited Away" was released there by... guess).

And I'll be watching again next year...