- Putman: You've manacled me to my death-bed, you Piccadilly whore!
- Putman: [with disdain] What kind of a man has sex with a goat?
- Juan: Hey, I used a condom.
- Jenny: [who had had sex with Juan] You told me they were against your religion.
- Juan: Ehh, you know, I need to find Peen-a-lope. I am sure you all understand.
- Hank: When you're all done with your little pink panty meltdown, let me know... 'cause I'd like to get down to business.
- Coconut Pete: I thought it was time to bring in the pro.
- Sam, The Fun Police: Hank?
- Coconut Pete: Yes, Hank. The head of security on all my tours.
- Jenny: So, what? He keeps aging hippies from stealing the bong out of your tour bus?
- Coconut Pete: It just so happens that Hank used to be a federal agent. Yes, that's right. Headed an FBI task force on serial killers. Single-handedly caught the Minneapolis Mangler.
- Lars: Who's the Minneapolis Mangler?
- Hank: Exactly!
- Dave: Pete, you are aware that I've personally served this guy 20 beers a day for the last 10 years, right?
- Hank: [shows a nasty scar on his stomach] Hey, I was in Nicaragua, junior! When you can stuff your intestines back in your pockets and walk 20 klicks to an aid station after a knife fight with guerrilla drug lords, then you talk to me!
- Juan: [after "interrogating" Penelope by having passionate sex] I may need a few more hours to pump her for information.
- Juan: You want to know what I did? You all want to know what I did? I, Juan Castillo, went to jail, for having sex with a goat. All right? What do you want me to say? We lived on a farm! And I got lonely! We were just a couple of stupid "kids".
- Coconut Pete: If it isn't too much to ask, have sex with the guests. Cause some of 'em aren't bad lookin'!
- Juan: [very upset] Pete! Yu and Hank are dead!
- Coconut Pete: Why? What did we do?
- Juan: No, man. Yu and Hank are fucking dead.
- Coconut Pete: You threatening me? 'Cause if you are, you little hairless lap dog...
- Juan: Ay, puta! Just come and look!
- Jenny: [as Lars and Putman are preparing to go into the woods] Aren't you bringing any weapons?
- Lars: [confidently] I have all the weapons I need.
- Putman: Piss on that! I'm bringing a mah-sheh-tay!
- [machete]
- Jenny: [Re: Coconut Pete's song "Naughty Cal"] Our lives depend on us interpreting the dumbest fucking song I've ever heard!
- Fiona: [requesting a song written by Jimmy Buffett, not by Coconut Pete] Play "Margaritaville"! I *love* that song!
- Coconut Pete: [annoyed] Darlin', I think you're referrin' to my song "Pina Coladaburg."
- Fiona: [insistent] No, "Margaritaville"!
- Coconut Pete: I think you mean "Pina Coladaburg." A little song I wrote seven and a half fuckin' years before "Margaritaville" was even on the map! Of course, you wouldn't know that, 'cause you weren't even born yet!
- Coconut Pete: [trying to teach two immigrants to cook for the resort - they don't understand] You think Eddie Money has to put up with this shit?
- Juan Castillo: [reading Penelope's name-tag] Oh, that is a beautiful name. Peen-a-lope. Peen-a-lope. It's breathtaking.
- Penelope: [smiling at his mispronouncing her name] Um, thank you.
- Penelope: I go to Oral Roberts.
- Juan Castillo: Oral Roberts? Is that like Anal Johnson? Because I have done that a few times. Or was it Dirty Sanchez? Yes. It was that.
- Lars: I guess now they'll kick me out of the Pacifists Club.
- Jenny: Or just ask you nicely to leave.
- Island Guest: [After hearing the Machete Phil story] Wait, wait... you're telling me that there's some totally deranged dickless dude running around out there?
- Dave: All I'm saying is: I don't go into the jungle alone if I can help it. 'Cause you can hear him, and I've heard him... crying out... "Where's my penis? Where's my penis? Where's my penis?"
- Putman: [suddenly stands up, his pants fall down; he is doing a "dick-tuck" so that it is not visible] And that boy was me!
- [shocked reactions from the group: some are screaming, some are laughing]
- Dave: [stands up, his pants fall down, he is doing a "dick-tuck", too] You're an asshole, Putman.
- [mad that Putman stole his punch-line]
- Penelope: [lying on top of Juan, who is lying on the ground, and talking in a creepy soft voice] You have been very bad today, Juan.
- Juan: What did I do?
- Penelope: When you were supposed to be in the maze, you were eating watermelon.
- Juan: [shocked] How did you know that?
- Penelope: Because I see everything, Juan.
- Dave: [about Putman] "Am I the only one who thinks his head looks like an octopus?"
- Juan: [Juan, Penelope, Lars and Jenny are about to dive off a very high cliff] When you jump, squeeze your ass-cheeks together, or water will fly up your butt-hole and pulverize your intestines.
- Jenny: [after the dive] Oh, my asshole!
- Lars: [about to be locked up in a room, like a holding cell, with only one small window, because they think he might be the killer] Are you familiar with the expression "sitting duck"?
- Juan: Uhh, no.
- Putman: David, you hated him for killing your parents. You see, what none of us did know, what none of us could know, was that David's parents were trampled to death at a Coconut Pete concert.
- Jenny: What the hell's wrong with you Putman? Everyone knows Dave's parents got killed at a Pete show.
- Juan: Yeah, way to bring up a sore subject.
- Sam: [referring to lyrics from a Coconut Pete song] You know, octopus spelled backwards is supotco. Juan, isn't that Spanish for something?
- Juan: Supotco? No. But, the word for shoe is zapato.
- Sam: Hmm, shoe.
- Putman: [returning from being on stage] What'd I miss?
- Jenny: Apparently somebody's going to get killed with a shoe.
- Juan: [after Penelope does gymnast moves in the bed room, landing right on Juan] What the fuck are you, a praying mantis woman?
- Lars: [walks up behind Jenny, who is drinking some booze, and does a Tai-Chi move on her back] Hey, Jenny.
- Jenny: [by sheer reflex, her mouth opens, and the drink in her mouth slobbers down her front] Oh!
- Lars: Sorry.
- Jenny: Give me a heads-up before you do that.
- Lars: It's just a habit. I could see how tight you were from a mile away.
- [Lars starts to drink]
- Jenny: What can I say? Some girls are just tighter than others.
- Lars: [by sheer reflex at what she said, he accidentally sprays out his mouthful of booze in her face] Sorry.
- Hank: All right, since there's no way off this rock, we're gonna have to catch this guy.
- Putman: Catch him? We couldn't even catch the bloody raccoon that was stealing my wristbands last month.
- Hank: You didn't ask me to catch the raccoon, did you, pimp? All right, now here's the plan: you're gonna give this wing-nut exactly what he wants. You're all gonna do your jobs.
- Juan: All right then, tell me something. How the hell are we esposed to do our jobs, when somebody is killing the deek out of everybody on the island?
- Hank: Take it easy there, menstrual cramp.
- [It has just been revealed that Juan has spent time in prison]
- Dave: What the fuck did you do, man? Costa Rican prison - that's some hardcore anal action, man.
- Roy: [Roy and Manny are watching the girls go by, by the pool] Bogey, bogey - at 12 noon.
- Manny: [excited] Holy shit, dude. I know that chick! That's the chick on that TV show "A.M. Pump Up With Amy Aerobics."
- Roy: Oh, yeah. Yeah. She's the one in the way back.
- Manny: Dude, she was. But then the chick by the palm tree died, so she got promoted to palm tree. And then Amy Aerobics died, and so she's the new Number One chick, dude. She's the new Amy Aerobics!
- Roy: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Amy Aerobics died? What did she die of?
- Manny: She didn't die of a fat ass, I'll tell you that, bro.
- [both laughing; Roy belly-bumps Manny and hugs him]
- Manny: Dude, don't be gay, man.
- Dave: [as Dave, Jenny and Sam are watching Juan and Penelope have sex; to Jenny] If you are the killer, that's cool, just, you know, don't kill me!
- Kellie: [while they are making out in a mausoleum in an old cemetery, worried] I just heard something.
- Rolo: [unconcerned] Was it a strange sucking sound?
- Putman: I was Andre Agassi's tennis partner for a week. I'm the one who taught 'Dre how to play Cocks and Quarters. Can you believe he'd never played Cocks and Quarters?
- Sam: [thinking Lars escaped through a tiny window] He couldn't have.
- Putman: He's far too large.
- Lars: So, I guess I'm talking to a celebrity. Congratulations. I heard you got your own fitness show?
- Jenny: [sad] Uh, yeah. Amy Aerobics accidentally ate some rat poison. It was awful.
- [enthusiastic]
- Jenny: But I'm still really psyched!
- Juan: You are the fucking FUN POLICE!
- Paul: [from Outtakes] That is so whack! That is so cheebah! That is some trick shit! That is so on time. Off the hook! Tight! And heavy! That is so... out of the planet!
- [laughs]
- Paul: How many other dumbass catchphrases can I say?
- Penelope: Juan, you're bleeding!
- Juan: You should see the other hombre.
- Jenny: [about Penelope] Who is she?
- Juan: She's my girlfriend.
- Dirk: Yeah, I heard you. Something about "cocks and quarters". Yeah, we have that here in the States, only we call it "hide the sausage".
- Sam, The Fun Police: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Coconut Pete's Pleasure Island. You have the right to fun. If you choose not to have fun, fun will be provided for you.
- Rolo: Hey! What about my nipples?
- Lars: What happened to the Jacuzzi?
- Sam: The boat may be hidden under some sticks... or branches.
- Roy: So I said it's totally tea-bag season.
- Manny: Dude, shut up, gay-rod. Give me a light.
- Yu: Hey, guys, I'm gonna need you back at the bonfire. We're gonna make an announcement.
- Manny: Oh, good, 'cause I got an announcement to make to Roy: I'm totally bake-ached.
- Juan: [to Jenny, hiding in the closet] Eh, I'm still not sure. I may need a few more hours to "pump" her for information.
- Jenny: [mad, whispering] You asshole! Now you're just trying to get laid. How would you like to be stuffed in this closet while I go out there and have sex?
- Juan: That is a great idea.
- [toilet flushes]
- Juan: Shh! Here she comes!
- Sam: Nobody ever suspects the Fun Police.
- Juan: Bullshit. I always have suspected you.
- Sam: Bullshit. You did not.
- Juan: You are the bullshit! He's the guy from the campfire story: Machete Phil, the kid with no dick.
- Sam: No. That's just an old campfire story.
- Juan: What do you piss out of, your asshole?
- Sam: It's just a story! I have a dick. I'm not Machete Phil. I'm Machete Sam.
- Sam: Alright, Lars will probably come after us here.
- Jenny: We don't know for sure that it is Lars. We don't know if he got out, or if someone else got in.
- Sam: [accusing tone of voice] What is it with you and Lars? I'm beginning to wonder if you two aren't in cahoots! I mean, let's see. You had sex with Rolo, and he's dead. You and Cliff, right? He's dead.
- Jenny: [defending herself] Give me a break. I screwed Juan and Pete, and those guys aren't dead.
- Putman Livingston: [feeling hurt that Jenny never had sex with him] Bloody hell, Jen! Am I the only one?
- Penelope: [Juan and Penelope in bed together] I've never been to a place like this. I mean, it's just so free. Juan, I have spent my whole life in a gym.
- [Penelope shows him a large photo of her in a gymnast outfit]
- Penelope: I just wanted to party like everyone else.
- Juan: Wait, wait, wait. You are a gymnast?
- Penelope: Yeah.
- Juan: [raising his eyes to heaven] Oh! Gracias!
- Dave: [a lot of people are sitting around a campfire at night] Hey, you guys ever hear the story of the Machete Maniac?
- [some people say, "let's hear it."]
- Dave: I don't know. It's probably too scary for you guys.
- Juan: [with a girl in each arm] No, come on, Dave. Please, tell us the story.
- Dave: All right, what the hell. This must've been, like, 10 years ago, you know? We had a kid working at the club named Phil Coletti. And one night... it was a night a lot like tonight... this gorgeous woman comes into the club, asks him if he wants to go out into the jungle. He's like, "Yeah. Why not?" So they split. And as they started getting out to the jungle... further and further away from the lights of the club... she starts asking him these questions, like... does he believe in the local legends of the island... voodoo, zombies? He's not too worried about it. He just rolls right over, and starts putting the screws to her. But something doesn't feel right to Coletti. But he can't see shit. It's pitch black, so he just keeps bangin' away. But then - boom! A flash of lightning lights up the whole island, and in that one moment... Coletti looks around and sees, not only is he out in the middle of that old Mayan cemetery... not only are all the other guys from the resort standing around watching him... but he sees that he's having sex with a corpse. A cold, white, dirty-from-the-grave dead body.
- [some in audience groan]
- Dave: And they say... Phil Coletti calmly walked to the groundskeeper's shack... found a machete... and chopped those staff members into a hundred pieces. And they say, he took that same machete... chopped his own dick off, and ran screaming into the jungle! Nobody ever saw him after that. But from that point on... Phil Coletti was forever known... as Machete Phil.
- Island Guest: Are you telling me there's some totally deranged, dickless dude running around out there?
- [Putman runs up to Dave and Juan in the Pacman maze in a banana suit]
- Putman: Mmm! Mmm! Mmmm!
- Dave: Are you trying to tell us something boy? Is Timmy trapped in the well?
- [Putman motions for them to follow him]
- Juan: [singing while running after Putman] Follow thee banana, follow thee banana!
- Lars: Back off, fun pig! You wanna fun-fucking-arrest me? You better get a fun-fucking-warrant! Otherwise, stay outta my... fun-fucking-face!
- Hank: [Unrated version] There's always one fuck-head like you trying to shit in the apple pie. Well you just shat in the one apple pie that knows how to shit back. So, why don't uh, you and me, let's just...
- [killer cuts his throat]
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