Love Don't Cost a Thing

Do you remember the 80's? Did you collect Garbage Pail Kids while the NKOTB-buttoned girls played Care Bears and Kid Sister?

If you did, then there's a chance you had to suffer through quite a few 80's films.. Or rather, it felt like you were being made to suffer, way back when.

We're a little older now, maybe more mature and hopefully a little more open to rediscovering the 80's.

"Can't Buy Me Love" is an 80's masterpiece I still enjoy today. Dempsey's nasal sonnets, his little brother's hustles and their parents' 30-something attitude to everything are classic. Ranked up there with "Weird Science", "Real Genius" and "Raising Arizona", the original tested the times while paving new ground.

"Love Don't Cost A Thing" is a paycheck for the producers whose idea of a good time must be making K-Mart xerox copies of ideas they wished they had first.

If they have a Triple-Gold Globe Awards for the likes of Master P and Snoop's acting quality, I'll make sure to steal a cell phone and call the 900 number that gives your ghetto fabulous trash 5 Bling-Blings and two slaps across your face on GP, Uuuugh.

This 'Movie' is hard to flush, let alone swallow.

I'll be fair in saying that I didn't have high hopes for Troy Beyer's "Love Don't Cost A Thing," a movie that stars Nick Cannon and singer Christina Milian in an "urbanized" remake of the 1987 romantic comedy, "Can't Buy Me Love." Original "Can't Buy Me Love" scriptwriter Michael Swerdlick contributes to Beyer's remake script, which features Cannon and Milian in the roles of the geek and the beauty, two roles made famous in 1987 by Patrick Dempsey and Amanda Petersen.

Cannon plays Alvin Johnson a.k.a. "Pool Boy" (he gets his name because he cleans people's swimming pools) and Milian plays Paris Morgan, the most popular girl in school. Alvin is a bit of an automotive genius, if nothing else, since he's trying to win a scholarship to a tech school with the high-tech engine that he and his friends have constructed.

Alvin is tired of being made fun of by the popular kids and decides that he wants a piece of the action, but is unsure of where to search; his friends naturally think he's crazy for thinking up such a scheme. But he's not hearing that though, and he wants memories of their high school years.

He gets his chance when Paris crashes her mom's Cadillac Escalade and he offers to do the repairs. In return, however, she must pose as his girlfriend - for two weeks. Alvin and Paris of course face the strident scorn of the cool kids and pretty soon Alvin grows pretty attached to his newfound fame.

Without really realizing it, he forgets what he already had, being that he makes pariahs out of his best friends, frightens his parents especially the father (Steve Harvey) with his strange behavior, and Paris soon begins to miss the geeky Alvin that she really liked.

"Love Don't Cost A Thing" retreads the familiar territory of most of the high school comedies of yesteryear: the uncool guy gets the pretty girl - after his plan has been exposed - and everything gradually returns to normalcy, and tries to make amends with his friends that he forgot while on his path to glory.

For the first half, "Love" is actually quite fun to watch, and even it brought back memories of my high school career, which I left behind when I graduated in June of 2004.

The second half is where we run into trouble, not because of directing and poor scriptwriting or any other technical difficulties, but because Cannon's transformation seemed to be really... something. I'll be the first to admit that he does some pretty mean things to his friends and to Paris while on his ego trip of popularity; even this is too much and made a little too believable and for that I really despised Alvin for what he did.

Cannon and Milian are a great couple and have great chemistry, but I remembered where it's all going to lead eventually, which is in that same direction that most teen comedies go.

The biggest perk out of it all is that "Love" doesn't resort to gross-out humor and sex gags to really win the interest of the viewer, and for that I'm grateful. Other than that, there's not much else.

***NOTE*** There's one scene that never ceases to amaze me, and that's when Alvin first serves up his proposal to Paris. He makes his move, Paris asks what he wants in return. Alvin looks away, and out comes the priceless line, "Oh what? You think I'm some cheap 'ho?" Alvin of course replies, "No, no sex. I just want to rent you." Paris considers, and then agrees to being his girl. And she puts her foot down about him not thinking about sex, or looking at her booty. Priceless.

"Love Don't Cost A Thing" buys a 5/10

I liked it. It was nothing special, but I liked it. It was a good story about issues that most teens deal with everyday. And it was funny.

In the movie, Alvin (Cannon) is a nobody who wants to be a popular somebody. As somebody who once wished he could be more popular in high school, I completely understand where Alvin was coming from. So when popular cheerleader, Paris (Milian) gets into a jam, Alvin offers to help her if she pretends to be his girlfriend.

But Alvin soon finds out that there's more to popularity than he realized. As Paris puts it, "Popularity is like a job" and you have to "work" to keep up with everyone else. In the end, Alvin learns that it's far more rewarding to just be himself. (There's a cliché we never get tired of hearing.)

I thought the acting in the movie was great. Nick, Christina and the rest of the cast were believable in their roles, but still managed to stay funny. I especially liked Steve Harvey, playing Nick Cannon's 'Stuck in the 70's' dad.

This movie may not be 10/10 great, but if you're looking for a good date movie, you may want to consider this one.

You know Hollywood's hard up for material when it starts blowing the dust off movies from as recent as the 1980's to rehash and remake (films that weren't any good to begin with, I might add). `Love Don't Cost a Thing' is a pointless update of `Can't Buy Me Love,' the tale of a high school nerd who hires the hottest babe on campus to pretend to be his girlfriend. His hope is that, through his association with her, he will gain entree into the `cool' crowd at school.

The stereotypes of adolescents that the film presents weren't fresh twenty years ago and they're even less so today. The story is utterly hackneyed and predictable what with Alvin being first an object of scorn, then - after some utterly unconvincing ghetto-`Pygmalion' makeover scenes - finding acceptance in the upper echelon of with-it kids, while at the same time turning his back on and rejecting the fellow nerds who used to be his friends. True to the formula, Alvin eventually learns a lesson or two about what being true to oneself really means.

There are virtually no funny moments in the film and the scenes between Alvin and his sex-obsessed dad begin to border on the creepy. `Love Don't Cost a Thing' may seem clever and fresh to audiences not old enough to have seen many movies, let alone the original on which this film is based. The rest of us with somewhat longer memories will gladly take a pass. What next? A remake of `Howard the Duck'?

Prior to watching this, I had not seen "Can't Buy Me Love". This is one of those movies that came out while I was still delivering papers, and I didn't see it because I read horrible reviews for it in the paper. I decided to finally watch it, and while the reviews were way too harsh, this is not a great romantic comedy, and it falls flat largely because of Nick Cannons over-the-top and somehow, still wooden at the same time performance. This actually could have been a pretty fun movie with a different leading man. Christina Milian does a good job, and you cannot fault her. It would also help if Cannon and Milian had more onscreen time together, as it is a bit limited. They just never build a really strong connection, and I'm not entirely sure why Milian would be interested in him for real. I actually think it would have been a better movie if Kenan Thompson was the lead, or hell, Kal Penn, and Cannon was one of the sidekicks, he just cannot handle this role at all. He tries, and sometimes it is fun, but it is wildly inconsistent.

Steve Harvey is over-the-top cringe, I really really think someone else should have played his dad. Every scene he is in is painful to watch, his expressions, his vocal tone, everything feels grossly out of place, and he is normally pretty funny.

The movie is filled with some great hip hop and rap music from the early 2000's, and is a blast from the past, the dancing, the clothes, etc. I do love that Alvin is a hardworking intelligent entrepreneur, but again his character is OTT exaggerated by cannon, he comes across less cool than Urkel actually. He does not feel like a real person, but a bizarre caricature.

If you're a teen though, you might still enjoy it, and I did enjoy it at times, even though I am well out of my teens, but I feel as thought this could have been a really good movie, and it was, instead a missed opportunity.