- Robert Klein: My parents retired to South Florida. They're gone now, but I'll tell you the truth, I have a beef with South Florida. I'll tell you, I don't know what it is. I'm sick about it, bitter. I sent two healthy 65-year old parents to South Florida. 30 years later - dead! I mean what is it, the water, the air - it's a death camp!
- Orny Adams: Last year I thought I had lupus, has that happened to you yet? I was on the bus and I saw an ad, "Chances are that somebody on the bus has lupus." I look around, I'm the only one on the bus.
- Orny Adams: [Pointing to that day's paper] Read this paragraph to me. Right there, now don't touch it.
- Montreal Waitress: Oh I'm sorry. "Young standup comedian Orny Adams destroys", is that you?
- Montreal Waitress: [Orny shows his ID badge] Orny Adams, is that your real name? Get out of town. No mom would name their child Orny Adams.
- Jerry Seinfeld: The equivalent for a normal person would be to go into work each day in your underwear and try and do your job that you normally do. All of a sudden you can't do anything. That's how a comedian feels when he's doing a new bit.
- Orny Adams: See, I'm not a 100% confident about this stuff and that's what kills me. If you're not 100% behind this you can't sell it.
- Orny Adams: [showing his folders of jokes] If I'm doing a show and being Jewish, I can pull out the Jewish stuff. If I want to do dating, I can do dating.
- Orny Adams: What a cocksucker. He's such a cock, he doesn't know the F-he's talking about.
- George Shapiro: Why?
- Orny Adams: I'm going to sit there and let that guy talk to me like that?
- George Shapiro: Wasn't, he didn't say anything bad, he just told you to relax. That's what I've been telling you. Just relax. Enjoy what's been happening.
- Orny Adams: I'm going to start doing to what George does just sit there and smile.
- George Shapiro: There's nothing he said that I would refute.
- Jerry Seinfeld: I was huge. Bigger than life. I could be anywhere in the world.
- [laughter]
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Cut to the airport] Nothing makes sense. I should be at St. Bart's. Nothing makes sense.
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Cut back to the stage, in a depressing tone] I'm in a comedy club in Cleveland.
- Jerry Seinfeld: [Back to airport] But that's what's working.
- Jay Leno: If I get fired tomorrow, I'm a comic.
- Jerry Seinfeld: I have no idea what the curve is, of when it's gonna... feel like it used to feel.
- Colin Quinn: When you're killing... you're up there killing, and you're miserable. That's how you'll know.
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