Citations

The Life of Larry

Seth MacFarlane: I'm Seth MacFarlane, Associate Production Coordinating Directorial Associate Managing Departmental Divisional Office Supervisor of the International Network Amalgamation Distributing Corporation Management Organisational Association of Men Who Like Pussy.

Mr. Sulu: Sir, we are approaching the planet.
Capt. Kirk: Very good. We're beaming down. It could be dangerous - we may be killed - but that's why we're out here. The landing party will consist of myself, Mr. Spock, Dr. McCoy and Ensign Skippy.
Ens. Skippy: Oh shit.

[Larry in is bed with his wife and Steve, the dog at the end of the bed. Larry turns off the light and as everyone's getting ready to sleep, Larry says...]
Larry Cummings: I was just thinking about how lucky we are to have a kid, ya know? Just take it for granted. It's a miracle when you think about it. This whole birth thing. I mean, what happens, I unload a whole batch of these little reproductive apostrophes into your, uh, ya know, miracle bucket, and 9 months later, Milt comes out, ya know? I mean, for me it's got it's own inspiring mystique about it, as like... Shrinky Dinks.
[Steve, the dog interrupts Larry by turning on the bedroom light]
Steve: For God sakes, people are trying to sleep around here.

Larry Cummings: [discussing William Shatner in Star Trek] I think what happens is that he, uh... eats his food, and whatever Spock can't finish, he eats that too.
Steve: Wh... where did you... where did you hear that?
Larry Cummings: Episode 65.
Steve: Ah.
Steve: [pauses] Fucking fat-ass is what he is.

Lois Cummings: Honey, is Milt back yet?
Larry Cummings: No, he's not and I'm starting to get-
[Steve sticks his tongue out at Larry]
Larry Cummings: I'm starting to get a little worried. I hate it when he does this, ya know? I-I-Is it too much for a kid to just call his parents when he's gonna be out late? Y'know, especially in a city like this, y'know, Lois? Even in this apartment! I mean some nut in his underpants could just walk up to this apartment, bang on the door, and demand God knows what!
Neighbor: You guys have any Cheez-Its?
Larry Cummings: Honey, I think we should move.

Larry Cummings: [reading the newspaper in bed] Hey, how about that? It says here there's another state that's gonna, uh, abolish the death penalty.
Lois Cummings: Oh, is that right?
Larry Cummings: Yeah, instead they make you share a popsicle with Tom Waits.
Steve: What state is that?
Larry Cummings: I dunno. I got, I got toothpaste on the article. Looks like, uh... Okla... chussetts.
Steve: Ah, yes, where the wind comes sweeping down the pike.

Larry Cummings: [to Milt] Religion, son. It's through religion that we'll come to know each other better.
Priest: And so, the Lord God smote poor Job with disgusting boils from head to toe...
God: Oh, God, I hate it when he tells this story.
Priest: And yet, throughout the entire harrowing ordeal, Job was able to keep his dignity, despite the horrible mottlings infesting his physical body.
Larry Cummings: Oh, yeah! It's like those pictures ya see of the starving kids in Africa with the flies all over the face? Doesn't even phase 'em!
[the entire congregation turns to look at Larry.]
Larry Cummings: Sorry. Oh, hey, you think I can have one of those crackers?
[Steve slaps himself in the face.]

[Larry and his family are seeing "Philadelphia". Everyone in the movie theater is crying, except Larry, who is confused at first, but then claps in realization.]
Larry Cummings: I got it! That's the guy from "Big". Tom Hanks! That's his name! Funny guy, Tom Hanks! Yeah, I've seen him in other stuff. Listen, anything that comes out of that guy's mouth, y-ya know it's gonna be a stitch!
Tom Hanks: I have AIDS.
Larry Cummings: [laughs loudly] Oh, oh, now that is, now that is funny! Oh, ha ha, listen! Hey! Hey! Bring that guy to my house and have him say that!
[laughs]
Larry Cummings: Oh, God!

[Larry is on "Jeopardy!".]
Alex Trebek: For $800, this chemical dye is found in 90% of all cosmetic products.
Larry Cummings: [buzzes] Diarrhea!
[audience laughs]
Larry Cummings: What? Oh, oh, oh, sorry. Sorry. What is diarrhea?

Seth MacFarlane: Well, Larry's an anomaly to say the very least. I mean, what can ya say about a guy who couldn't fart for the first time until he was 30?
[Cutaway of Larry in the 1970s reading a newspaper, when he is disturbed by an unfamiliar sloppy sound.]
Larry Cummings: What the hell was that?

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