L'affaire Van Haken

The Foreigner is a straight-to-video Steven Seagal film that was originally intended to be released as a theatrical feature in March, 2003, an intention which was reportedly reversed when Seagal's prior film (Half Past Dead) tanked at the box office. According to some reports, the film had a lavish $20 million budget, including location shoots in Warsaw and Paris, and was completed as part of the studio's obligation to a two-picture deal which was negotiated after the relative success of Exit Wounds seemed to indicate that Seagal still had a solid following.

Despite the size of their investment, Sony Screen Gems probably made the right move in shelving this movie. It is nearly incomprehensible. What am I saying? It IS incomprehensible. I don't think I understood what was going on at all, except in the very broadest terms.

Seagal is employed by a mysterious guy to deliver a mysterious package to another mysterious guy. Other mysterious guys try to stop him. Other highly mysterious guys try to kill the moderately mysterious guys who try to stop him. Other really, really mysterious guys do especially mysterious stuff, all of which which was in fact too mysterious for me to figure out. The intended recipient's mysterious wife tries to intercept the package before it can be delivered to her husband. Because he is a self-proclaimed "consummate professional" who has been hired to deliver the package only into the hands of the husband, Seagal at first defies the wife, then later gets involved in protecting her and her daughter from other mysterious guys with unexplained agendas, as well as from her husband.

Many people have mysterious, cryptic conversations. Many people blow each other's brains out. Some guys seem to die more than once, while in other scenes gunfights end without a clear view of the result, so the audience sees somebody die, but is not sure which one of the gunslingers is headed to boot hill. Allegiances shift often, adding further mystery. Or should I say confusion?

I don't know who was on whose side, or what anybody really wanted, and the resolution was as unsatisfying as the exposition. At the end of the movie, I just sat there thinking, "That's the end? What the ...?"

I couldn't even figure out the credits. IMDb says that Aussie actress Kate Fischer (from "Sirens") was in this film, but I'll be damned if I know where. Either she was left on the cutting room floor or she wisely opted out of the project. She could have found some activities more beneficial to her career, like having unnecessary surgery, ripping those pesky insert cards out of magazines, or taking some community college courses in animal husbandry.

Seagal used to be a pretty fair hand-to-hand combatant, but the action scenes didn't manage to redeem this film at all. Seagal is in his 50's now and is a very large man, so he is reduced to a mimimal level of physical exertion and even during that he is contained in a knee-length coat to hide his inchoate Brandoesque girth. He might even get a little winded removing the wrappers from candy bars, although that's understandable if you estimate just how many of those he must have to eat to maintain his present girth.

Steven Seagal seemed to be making a comeback with Exit Wounds, but if his last film was half past dead, this one must be pretty close to filling out the other half.

STAR RATING:*****Unmissable****Very Good***Okay**You Could Go Out For A Meal Instead*Avoid At All Costs

Steven Seagal should have got a better agent.After Exit Wounds miraculously went straight to number one at the US box office and temporarily restored his position as a top ranking Hollywood action star,his next step was not to go for a leading role in a film by another big name,Hollywood action director like John Woo or Michael Bay,or even his old aquaintance Andrew Davis,but to go to trashy,sloppy DTV action director Albert Pyun and appear in a supporting role in a Godawful piece of dreck by the name of Ticker.This,did,however,go straight to video (as just about every film Pyun's ever made has) and probably went unnoticed by the cinema going public.However,when the film Half Past Dead was released a year later,in which Mr.Ponytail co starred with gravel voiced rap midget Ja Rule,the gimmick appeared to have worn off,and the film,unlike EW which started the whole Seagal/rappers thing,was a mega flop.Maybe it had something to do with it being released on the same weekend as Harry Potter 2,but nevertheless,flop it was,and now,Seagal appears to have plummeted smack-bang right to the position his career was in five years ago with the straight-to-video action movie The Foreigner,a labourous,over-stylised dud that runs for 92 minutes,but ends up feeling more like 992.

This is probably owed more than anything to a totally incomprehensible plot,with too many thinly plotted twists,turns and red herrings in it to sustain interest.

Seagal's raspy voice has always seemed to prove a hinderance to any movie he's in,but he mumbles so badly at certain stages in this,even the highest pitched dolby pro logic sound system probably couldn't make him sound any more audible.

Aside from this,the movie,especially for a 15 certificate,is full of gratuitous violence,mainly in the form of graphic shootings,especially from the Dunoir character.There are some other rather grisly images too,but the shootings are certainly the most consistent.

Certain scenes have a nice visual flair,and the action's not bad,but overall,this is a ponderous mess that shows clearly the direction in which Seagal's star is falling.**

1/2 out of ****

The most painfully boring action movie I've seen since (insert any recent Steven Seagal venture), I'm starting to wonder if satiating my morbid curiosity over the next Seagal disaster is worth wasting time for the hell I endure. To date, I have not genuinely enjoyed any of the man's movies (well, not entirely true, Executive Decision was excellent, but not Seagal's movie, thankfully) and it's almost always because of him. With a few exceptions, I can easily picture different stars in his past roles that would have made these subpar action pictures superior to...well, how they turned out with Mr. Expressionless himself.

Such is the case with The Foreigner, which stars Steven Seagal as Jonathon Cold, a mysterious guy who delivers packages. Gasp, it's like The Transporter, only without the hugely charismatic lead and thrilling action sequences. I'd delve further into The Foreigner's plot, if only I understood what the hell was going on. The basic premise is that Cold's latest package is something everyone wants to get their hands on and they'll kill him for it.

But not a single plot point is the slightest bit comprehensible. Supporting characters appear at random, looking for the package, rarely ever establishing a clear reason why the want or need it. Excruciating monologue upon excruciating monologue is inserted into the script to no avail; I wonder if the actors involved even understood what they were saying or doing. The movie's silly, too, with Seagal's character acting in ways that might seem clever to a five-year old (switch cars with someone else, give bad guy a fake package), which apparently means most of these bad guys aren't much smarter than your average kindergartener.

After Exit Wounds, The Foreigner became (mostly) a return to typical Seagal. Like his previous early works, the title could be used to describe Seagal's character (i.e. Steven Seagal is...Out for Justice, Marked for Death, Above the Law, Hard to Kill), the fight scenes are almost as short as those in The Patriot, and the lead villain is pathetically easy to defeat in hand-to-hand combat. In an attempt to give the movie style, director Michael Oblowitz applies slow motion to the shootouts, sometimes also speeding up the footage. How exactly he thinks this could do anything for the movie (especially for action scenes as short as these) is baffling.

As usual, Seagal is wooden as ever, proving himself the worst actor ever to have been considered a star. He's also getting chubbier, usually hiding his weight gain with abnormally large coats. If someone else, say Jason Statham, had this role instead, the movie's quality would easily jump up a *, as plot incomprehensibility could still be made somewhat bearable with a charismatic lead (which Statham amply provides).

I read somewhere The Foreigner is originally slated for a theatrical release, but after Half Past Dead bombed, the studio dumped this into the video market almost immediately. So the movie should be very availabe at your nearest rental store, but I suggest you ignore it, even if you are a Seagal fan, and check The Transporter out instead, just to see why Jason Statham will be cinema's next big action star and how a movie about a guy who delivers packages can be made with style.

This movie seems somewhat promising at first, but quickly spirals into a pointless mesh of betrayal and murder. As just about everyone who's posted before me has said, this film basically follows a series of nameless, faceless people around looking for a package. In the process, roughly half of Poland's population is shot in the chest by a guy who must smoke a carton of cigarettes in the mercifully brief 90 minute running time. I don't remember the names of any of these characters or the actors who portrayed them. All I can say is that I'm sure everyone involved has seen better days.

And what's up with the editing in this movie? Does the guy in charge of postproduction really think slowing down and then quickly speeding up the film is going to add anything to the experience? Was writing a coherent story out of the question? Keep in mind these are all rhetorical questions. I intend to forget this travesty before I even hit the "submit" button.

Jonathan Cold is a freelance agent who is hired by Alexander Marques to carry a package across Europe to Jerome Van Aiken. When the simple collection turns into a gunfire that ends with the building in flames, Cold suspects something is up but, after a diversion to his father's funeral, continues to try and deliver the package. However as the hours pass, Cold finds that more and more people seem to want either a) the package, b) Cold stone cold dead or c) both of the above. Unsure of who these people are or why they want the package (or even what the package is because, despite everyone in the world betraying him, he is too "professional" to look inside) Cold tries to sort out right from wrong and make it out alive.

Call me a stubborn man but although Out For A Kill was a shambles, I still somehow thought that I would give this joint Oblowitz/Seagal film a shot. Very quickly it becomes apparent that the plot isn't going to stand up for longer than 20 minutes – which is a problem in a 90 minute film. Taking the usual cliché of an agent being chased by all sides, trying to find a solution, this film forgets to actually write it in such a way that it makes sense or even engages. People pop up all over the place, are thrown out of windows and generally interact with bullets or explosions in one way or another but we don't really know who they are or why they are doing it. In one sense this might have worked by producing a general sense of claustrophobia and tension but it doesn't – instead it gives the impression that the writers haven't done much with the story other than drawing up a storyboard where lots of people fall through windows. This lack of effort in the writing is not only at this level but also runs all through the film – for example on man behind shot twice by a shotgun (at 10 foot range), falling out a second storey window but turning up alive minutes later with an injury to his side but generally fine otherwise.

With these problems it will be no surprise to find that the characters are poor. Most of them are just cardboard clichés but Cold is the main problem. Here is someone we are meant to like, who is a professional, however he managed to be completely lacking in morals and is closer to the baddies than I'm sure Seagal would have liked. For example he pays some "normal" guy to deliver his car to Germany, thus drawing the bad guys away from him – problem is, the normal guy was always going to get killed – is this a plan that is meant to make me like him or care if Cold lives or dies? Maybe this was the point but, if it was, it didn't work because Seagal delivers it just the same as ever – loads of mumbles and slightly altering his tone of voice when required to display any emotion. Ryan is a little bit more expressive (and thus fun) but he seems to spend most of his time running away from explosions or reappearing from the dead. The rest of the support is bland, being made up of obscure sports stars turned actors and lots of people trying to look classy without the material to allow them to do it. Suffice to say that, when none of the cast even manage to outshine Seagal then you know things aren't good.

Overall a poor Seagal film that even fans will struggle to get into. The action is poor and is directed with no flow (or edit longer than a second) and it is too hard to get excited about it. This leaves the story, which is a sorry mess of a plot that makes no effort to engage or make sense of; basically it just relies on people falling through glass and those looking for a complex thriller and not just wasting their time – they are deluding themselves. Even Seagal fans (if any remain) will struggle to care about this garbage.