- Sally Walden: [jumping on the couch] Like being in the circus!
- Cat in the Hat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.
- Fish: Someone else should drive!
- Cat in the Hat: All right, you win. Concrete, you drive.
- [gives Conrad the wheel]
- Conrad Walden: Are you serious?
- Cat in the Hat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now, punch it.
- Conrad Walden: This is awesome!
- Sally Walden: I want to drive.
- Cat in the Hat: I think that's a great idea.
- [gives Sally another wheel]
- Conrad Walden: Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.
- Cat in the Hat: You're right. We should *all* drive.
- [gets his own wheel]
- Cat in the Hat: [showing his car] Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
- Sally Walden: S-L-O-W?
- Cat in the Hat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
- Conrad Walden: Oh, you mean...
- Cat in the Hat: No! Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!
- Sally Walden: Stop! That's...
- Sally Walden, Conrad Walden: Mom's dress!
- Cat in the Hat: This filthy thing?
- Sally Walden: She was gonna wear that tonight and you ruined it.
- Cat in the Hat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it.
- [snaps, snaps]
- Cat in the Hat: Mmm-mmm-hmm yeah.
- [snaps, snaps]
- Cat in the Hat: Mmm-hmm.
- Thing Two: Don't belittle me.
- Cat in the Hat: Ah, yes, of course. Thing Two would like to clarify that just because he wears the number two does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing One.
- Thing Two: And all of the above.
- Cat in the Hat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.
- Thing Two: Ben.
- [Thing One jabbers incoherently]
- Cat in the Hat: Thing One says he's Thing One for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand.
- [the Cat is looking at a photo]
- Cat in the Hat: Humina, humina, humina! Who is this?
- Conrad Walden: That's my mom.
- [record scratch]
- Cat in the Hat: Awkward.
- [Sally, Conrad and Mrs. Kwan are watching TV. It shows a scene of Taiwanese Parliament Members fighting]
- Conrad Walden, Sally Walden: Taiwanese Parliament.
- Mrs. Kwan: You tell them, Kwi-Chang. No more big government! Rip his heart out!
- Sally Walden: Where did you come from?
- Cat in the Hat: Hmm, how do I put this? When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...
- Conrad Walden: No, no, no, no, no! Where did you *come* from?
- Cat in the Hat: My place! Where do you think?
- Conrad Walden: So, what do we do?
- Cat in the Hat: Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecaps, and the other involves a musical number! Me-me-me-me-ow!
- Sally Walden: How many shots?
- Cat in the Hat: [as the cook] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
- Cat in the Hat: [as a cooking show host] Did you just say, "minutes away"? That's impossible!
- Cat in the Hat: [as the cook] You're not just wrong, you're stupid.
- Cat in the Hat: [as a cooking show host] Now, wait just a minute!
- Cat in the Hat: [as the cook] And you're ugly, just like your mum.
- Fish: Children, this cat is currently in violation of... seventeen of your mother's rules!
- [the phone rings and the Cat answers it]
- Cat in the Hat: City morgue!
- Fish: [losing it] *Eighteen*!
- Sally Walden: Who are you?
- Cat in the Hat: Who, me? Why, I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're... meline... key lime... turpen... tine. I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no.
- [Conrad and Sally stare at him]
- Cat in the Hat: Look, I'm a cat that can talk! That should be *enough* for you people!
- Cat in the Hat: [closing the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Convex... you probably don't wanna do that.
- Conrad Walden: Why not? It's just a crate.
- Cat in the Hat: This isn't just *any* old crate, it's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
- Conrad Walden: But it says, "Made in the Philippines".
- Cat in the Hat: Yes, but not *this* Philippines.
- Cat in the Hat: Uh, I'm uncomfortable with the D word. I just think it's wrong.
- [starts singing]
- Cat in the Hat: How much is that canine American in the window?
- Fish: This cat should not be here, he should not be about! He should not be here when your mother is out!
- Cat in the Hat: Come on, kids, you gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!
- Sally Walden: We're staying and calling Mom!
- Conrad Walden: We're going and getting the dog!
- Cat in the Hat: [sinister voice] There is a third option.
- [Vaudeville keyboard music]
- Sally Walden: There is?
- Cat in the Hat: Yes. It involves... murder.
- [more Vaudeville keyboard music]
- Conrad Walden: That's your option?
- Cat in the Hat: [normal voice] No. You guys both had options. I just wanted to have one too.
- Cat in the Hat: [back to sinister] Or did I?
- [more Vaudeville keyboard music]
- Sally Walden: Cat, you're not helping!
- Conrad Walden: I'm not going to military school.
- Lawrence Larry Quinn: Oh, I think you're gonna love it! It's just like summer camp, except with brutal forced marches and soul-crushing discipline.
- Hank Humberfloob: Attention, everyone! It's 9:02! Staff meeting! Staff meeting! Look *alive*, everyone! First, I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member of the Humberfloob family, Jim McFlinnagan!
- [applause; McFlinnagan shakes Humberfloob's hand; everyone else gasps]
- Jim McFlinnagan: Mr. Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you...
- Hank Humberfloob: Fired.
- Jim McFlinnagan: I beg your pardon?
- Hank Humberfloob: Fired.
- Jim McFlinnagan: But-but I...
- Hank Humberfloob: FIRE-E-E-E-E-DUH!
- [McFlinnagan runs away crying]
- Fish: A dog goes, "Woof, woof," and everybody knows that little Timmy's trapped under a log. But a fish speaks in plain English...
- Fish: Stop this right now!
- Conrad Walden: Who said that?
- Fish: Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then *nothing*!
- Sally Walden: The fish is talking.
- Cat in the Hat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.
- Lawrence "Larry" Quinn: Anything for my little Princess.
- Sally Walden: Oh, I don't wanna be a princess. In a constitutional monarchy, parliament has all the real power.
- Joan Walden: [on phone] What do you mean you're leaving? You're a baby sitter. Baby sitters don't leave, they sit. Baby leavers leave.
- Sally Walden: You need to clean this mess up, pronto. We have a contract.
- Cat in the Hat: All right, I'll try.
- Sally Walden: [grabs the Cat in the Hat by his bowtie] You don't try, you do!
- Joan Walden: Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules; Conrad, no playing ball in the house, no fighting, no answering the phone: "City morgue".
- Sally Walden: Mommy, can't I have some rules?
- Joan Walden: No... chewing tobacco.
- Lawrence "Larry" Quinn: Why am I sneezing?
- Cat in the Hat: [tapping on Quinn's shoulder] That'd be me. BOO!
- [last lines]
- Narrator: Well, what would you do if your mother asked you? The family was whole, all thanks to the Cat, who was dashing and charming, no doubt about that. He was witty and cultured... and, well, very endearing... and tremendously attractive, but in a sort of real way. You know, kind of an approachable way that I think you don't see these days...
- Cat in the Hat: [the narrator is revealed to be the Cat using a voice-changer] Oh! Hello! I was just, uh... I really should be going. How'd they get so smart?
- [Joan spends quality time with her children, jumping on the living room couch, while the Cat along with Things One and Two walk off into the sunset]
- Cat in the Hat: Come on, Things! Let's go! What's on my schedule for tomorrow? What do you say we go on vacation? How about Hawaii? I like Hawaii. I should warn you, there are certain places that don't allow certain Things. Oh, Things are complicated.
- Conrad Walden: I'll take the blame. Look, Mom will be home any second. Why don't you go upstairs?
- Sally Walden: I'm not going upstairs. I'm staying with you.
- Conrad Walden: Really? Why?
- Sally Walden: Two reasons. One: the stairs are destroyed. Two: this is just as much my fault as yours. We should share the blame.
- Conrad Walden: Thanks, Sally.
- Sally Walden: By the way, you're a pretty good brother.
- Conrad Walden: Glad you think that. Maybe we can room together at military school.
- [from DVD menu]
- Conrad Walden: [gets spit out of a tube from the Cat's hat] Whoa! Cool!
- Sally Walden: [gets spit out next] Ugh! Well that was rather rude.
- Conrad Walden: I thought it was pretty cool.
- Sally Walden: You would.
- Conrad Walden: You should.
- Sally Walden: [to viewer] Oh, hello there. I'm Sally, and welcome to the Cat in the Hat DVD.
- Conrad Walden: And I'm Conrad, and if you click over here, I'll show you some real cool stuff about the film.
- Sally Walden: Or if you click on my side, I'll tell you some amazing stories about how they made the movie.
- Conrad Walden: Don't listen to Sally, her stuff is boring! Click over here!
- Sally Walden: The word you're looking for is interesting.
- Fish: [rising from the hat] Remember the fish?
- Hank Humberfloob: Joan, let me make this perfectly clear. If your house is as messy as last time... you're FIRE-E-E-E-E-DUH!
- [first lines]
- Narrator: There are gajillions of stories of mischief and fun, but to keep things simple, let's start with just one. About a mom and two kids and a house and a hat - that, oddly enough, was worn by a cat. But soon enough we will get to all that.
- Lawrence "Larry" Quinn: [at his house taking his harness off and then sits in his rocking chair. Takes his false teeth out and puts them in an empty glass cup; door knocks] Yeah! What do you want now?
- Repo Guy: [gives Lawrence a form about his TV repossession notice] Repo.
- Lawrence "Larry" Quinn: You're repossessing my TV? Well, I'm sure I made a payment. If it's about that balance check, here let me give you a credit card. It's expired.
- [the Repo crew leaves with Larry's television]
- Lawrence "Larry" Quinn: Huh? Oh, come on!
- Cat in the Hat: OK, here we go. GPS, check. DVD, CD, check. Someone from Czechoslovakia is a... Czech.
- [chortling]
- Conrad Walden: [tries to close the leaking crate] It won't stay shut!
- Cat in the Hat: Not without the lock! Look, if we don't get that lock off of Nevins and put it back on this crate, we're gonna be staring down the business end of the Mother of All Messes.
- Kate the Caterer: [Doorbell rings] Kate's catering. I'm here to do your party tonight.
- Joan Walden: Oh, hi, where's Kate?
- Kate the Caterer: I'm Kate.
- [Comes in the house]