Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain

Four porn stars romping through the Irish woods sounds like a film to watch. We have Ginger Lynn Allen, Chasey Lain, Taylor Hayes, and Jenna Jameson all together in one film. Are you licking your lips? Well the mutant creatures who resulted from centuries of inbreeding were certainly licking their lips as they feasted on the entrails of their victims.

Yes, there was some flesh exposed - far too little considering the cast - but, it was soon ripped open to expose dinner for these creatures. There was definitely some action that probably has not been seen before, and more than one person lost their head in the situation.

Unfortunately, director Christian Viel did not show much promise and I am not likely to watch his later efforts.

Evil Breed: The Legend of Samhain (2003)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

Direct to DVD horror film about several college students traveling to Ireland where they plan on studying Druids but they end up running into the creatures who want to eat them. This film had an interesting build up and it starts out okay but things slowly fall apart from there. This is one of those movies that keeps you interested because you want to see what all unfolds but when things finally unfold it really wasn't worth your time. Another problem is that the director gives us over forty-minutes worth of dead space where nothing happens. The cast is mostly forgettable and that includes Jenna Jameson in a small cameo, although she is kind enough to show her boobs. There's some decent gore and a lot of talk regarding other horror movies but this only goes so far. There's also a scene in the movie where the kids are watching a horror movie, which is clearly meant to be Halloween since the music, killer and characters are all the same so I'm shocked the filmmakers didn't get sued here.

Two teachers (Bobbie Phillips and Howard Rosenstein) chaperon a school trip to Ireland so five students can study the history of Druids or some such nonsense. A forest-dwelling mutant shows up to kill them all off. The director of this cheap-looking and disposable hunk-o-junk claims the film was ruined by studio tampering, unwanted script rewrites and such, so I'm tempted to cut him a little slack because these things are known to happen. As the film now stands, it's close to being unwatchable.

Truly terrible in every regard; barely (just barely) kept afloat by ample doses of gore and T&A. The acting is some of the worst I've ever seen. Literally everyone in the cast is embarrassing. I don't think that has anything to do with tampering, just a combination of amateur actors, a director that doesn't know how to work with them and awkward dialogue that's impossible to say without coming off like a total tool. Richard Grieco, who looks like he's had either one face-lift too many or too much botox pumped into his face and is starting to look rather inhuman these days, is falsely advertised as being one of the leads when his part is minuscule. The other names in the cast you'll probably only be familiar with if you're an avid porn viewer. Jenna Jameson pops up for a couple of minutes to say a few lines and die. Ginger Lynn has more screen time and delivers one of the worst Irish accents known to man. Not that the guy cast alongside her, whose overacting is unintentionally hilarious, is any better. There are a few other adult actresses on the payroll but their screen time is even smaller than Jennas.

Even worse than the acting is the writing. The storyline is muddled as hell and incomprehensible, the editing is choppy, characters disappear right and left for no reason whatsoever and it is overloaded with annoying, childish and lame post-SCREAM hipster dialogue about how big breasted women always die in horror films and such. Even the friggin theme song at the beginning is screwed up! The vocalist actually MISPRONOUNCES the word "Samhain;" pronouncing it exactly how it's spelling instead of "Sow-en!" For the love of God, do some research people! Some of the gore effects are decent, but you have to be very forgiving of complete technical ineptitude to tolerate this mess.

Oh, this is so bad, it is funny. The only way one could explain something like this is a porn party with drugs that resulted in the resolution to make a movie just for fun. I mean: you get to see porn actresses topless, having sex, then killed by human mutants. There is plenty of gore, including the classic "something is wrong with her, oh no, it's half the person she used to be" and the accidental murder caused by panic. But you can also find funny stuff like intestines pulled through someone's ass and a guy running in the woods then finding himself decapitated by a wire tied between two trees (that makes a metallic doiiing sound afterward, like in cartoons). Somehow there is a market for people going beyond porn, they really need to know what's inside an actress, mere genitals are not enough. Therefore you get to see plenty of summary autopsies on slain bimbos. There is NO dialog. Jenna and Chasey have really small parts and I really wonder what Richard Grieco wanted when accepting a role here. I think this is a film one must watch with the button on fast forward and watch only the juicy stuff, just to be reminded of the old school C class horror movies.

Evil Breed is a very strange slasher flick that is unfortunately no good.The beginning of the film seems promising but overall it's a disaster.The dialogue is pretty bad but not near as bad as the acting.The acting is brutal and unbearable.Most of the characters deliver there lines horribly and even if that is on purpose the method doesn't work because the characters become annoying.Some of the kills are innovative but it took far too long to get to them.After about a half hour through the movie we get the first death (other than in the beginning)and then almost every other character is smoked within the next five minutes.The movie then turned into sort of a spoof with ridiculous looking characters,unrealistic karate like fights,and a scene in which a man gets his intestines pulled out of his a*sscrack.None of it is funny it's just plain ridiculous.The film then becomes ultra gory and ultra pointless.Most of the characters are clichéd even for slasher standards and are as solid as butter left on the counter for 5 days.Evil Breed isn't even laughably bad therefore it fails in it's main task.Watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre,Just Before Dawn,or See No Evil for a real slasher.