Mission Alcatraz

Two rules to go by are: Movies made by Franchise Pictures, or distributed by Screen Gems, are movies to avoid. This movie was made by Franchise Pictures AND distributed by Screen Gems! Not only that, but it has Steven Seagal - it's hard to believe that ten years or so ago he was doing so well. It's a shock to see him here, with a puffy face (and torso) and his hair looking lighter. Not surprisingly, his fight scenes are directed with quick cuts and simple martial arts movies that even an amateur could pull off. He seems very disinterested by what's happening, even a little out of it. He shouldn't be surprised that it's his career that's half past dead.

The director, Don Michael Paul, seems to have no ability to direct an action scene, martial art OR weapon-oriented. He uses annoying techniques like slow-motion or fast-motion to try and be "edgy", I guess. He also has problems telling a story, with some notable gaps that filled would have made some plot points more clear. He was working with a tight budget, which explains some things like numerous close-ups and somewhat impoverished sets. (Plus outdoor locations that clearly aren't in the United States, even though the movie is supposed to be taking place there.) Still, the movie moves along with nary a slow spot, and as problem-filled as it is, it's slicker and less annoying than Seagal movies like TICKER and THE FOREIGNER.

Loud and multiple bangs for your bucks. Quite tolerable. After flatlining for twenty minutes an FBI agent(Steven Seagal)feels bullet proof and infiltrates a crime syndicate and lands in the New Alcatraz. His mission is to rescue a death row inmate and ends up thwarting a plot to recover stolen gold bricks. The typical Seagal martial arts is coupled with some moderately impressive F/X to hold your attention. The cast is talented as diverse and includes: Nia Peeples, Ja Rule, Morris Chestnut, Claudia Christian and Stephen Cannell. I find Peeples to be one sexy villian...she always seems to impress me! Not the best or worse Seagal flick and it helps to have very few dull moments. A big thumbs up for an FBI guy that rides the flatline.

Maybe it was my low expectation, maybe it was the fact that I went looking for a cheesy action flick, maybe I was partially dehydrated from strep throat, or perhaps all of the above. I enjoyed Half Past Dead, and I'm glad I rented it. Will it join the ranks of my DVD collection? Hell no. But I did enjoy the rental.

That's not to say Half Past Dead did not bother me. First and foremost, my feelings for most contemporary music (rap, metal, rock, country, etc) artists range from mild appreciation to utter disgust for reasons that belong in another review, in another discussion. The music that a number of action sequences were cut to was from said contemporary music, more specifically, from the "disgust" portion of the spectrum. Thus, I was tempted to play the action sequences in mute.

Also, I was disappointed to see Nia Peeples kick the crap out of Ja-Rule only to be put down with one punch (?!) and then throw in a typical villain's anti-climactic death. But there I go with my own expectations, thinking for some silly reason that someone who can dish out punishment should be able to take it . . . that and my desire to see rappers in films die.

Finally, the hostage switch towards the end of the film . . . okay, this is a Steven Seagal action film. I'm willing to accept a lot of BS for the sake of an action film. BS such as choosing the single dumbest, most vulnerable, position for the coming gunfight; Nia's makeup and outfit; the chain fight; Ja Rule's constant winking; the storyline with the Sasha character . . . but the cheap surprise with the judge so the filmmakers can pat themselves on the back and say, "We fooled the audience" is pushing me over the line.

But, yeah, there were mindless fist fights, there were mindless gunfights, there were mindless explosions, chases, a plot that's just an excuse to bridge said sequences together, and no real ambition to go any further – everything I was expecting when I picked it up for the rental.

What can I say, though? It was fun watching Steven start a fight with prison guards more or less because he can. It was a blast watching Nia in her oddball makeup beat the living crap out of Ja Rule (why, oh why, didn't she get to kill him?). I found it hilarious that these prisoners were so eager to defend their prison so they can serve the rest of their sentence in peace and quiet. And wow, how great was it seeing Steven and Ja Rule prepare for a confrontation by trapping themselves in the exposed cockpit of a crashed helicopter that's up in the rafters with no way to get down? Shooting missiles down with the helicopters guns was the icing on this outrageous cake of disbelief.

They say timing is everything; this also applies to when one sees a movie and how much they enjoy it. I consciously watched Half Past Dead full well knowing I've hated other films for less, but still got a kick out of what I observed on the screen. Which provokes an interesting thought: between timing (including state of mind/mood) and expectations, both of which heavily influence a critics opinion, how much room is there for "objective" reviews? I'm glad I've never claimed to be an objective critic.

"Half Past Dead" is just another crap flick in paunchy Seagal's downward spiral into oblivion. However, unlike his abysmal dramatic follow-up, "The Foreigner", this action flick at least connects with the part of the male brain which turns down the IQ and turns up the testosterone making all the hokey stunts, pyro, combat, etc. seem somehow worth while in a vague sort of mindless way. At least this flick had a hottie in it and showed her navel..about the only thing in the film I hadn't seen before. For action and Seagal diehards only. (C-)

Note - I particularly enjoyed the scene where deep cover FBI op Seagal is asked by a fellow prison inmate if there isn't something more to him than just another inmate whereupon he willingly blows his own cover and admits he's an agent. Exit undercover agent. Enter birdbrain.

Steven Seagal, who has a proud history of creating some of the most realistic and exciting fight scenes in his past work is completely wasted in this movie. The money must have been good, because I don't see what else would have persuaded him to appear in it. What we have is a shallow excuse to feature some rappers on film. The script is abominable. Everything is contrived, superficial and artificial. The director seems confused about whether or not he is making a music video or an actual film. A lot of posing, unrealistically choreographed fight scenes, a lot of mindless shooting at walls. I was reminded of those ludicrous gunfights in the A Team, in which about 2,000 bullets are fired and nobody gets killed. The background music (if you can call it that) is loud and irritating. And the chief villain, boringly and predictably bumped off only at the end, displays the character development of a robot. I would have had him shot first just to ease the overall irritation of the film. Bad, bad, bad. The only reason I watched it was in the forlorn hope that Steven Seagal could do something to save it, but that was beyond even him. Stick with what you're good at, big guy, and don't appear in any more rap videos.