- [Sara Moore's jeans' pant leg gets caught in a roller of a machine]
- Sara Moore: Help me!
- [Joe Tyler helps her by unbuttoning her jeans and then tearing that caught pant leg off]
- Sara Moore: Jesus Christ! I said, "Help me," not "Undress me."
- Joe Tyler: Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't hear you over that big machine that was going to rip you into pieces.
- Ray Harris: It's only been three white geniuses ever: Da Vinci, Stallone in the first Rocky, and now you, Tony!
- Gordon Moore: This better get done, or I'm gonna hang your ass out to dry, you understand?
- [hangs up phone]
- Ray Harris: [mocking Gordon] "This better get done, or else I'll hang your ass out to dry." Jesus! A redneck telling a Black man he's gonna hang him! That's the new millennium.
- [yells out into the hall]
- Ray Harris: Page Tony! And get Farrakhan and 'em on the phone... I think they might want a trip down there!
- Warren Cebron: Gordon, as your attorney, I advise you not get your personal security mixed up in this.
- Gordon Moore: Mm-hm. Well, "as my attorney", you screwed this up, dickweed.
- Sara Moore: [Sara gets on the bus and notices Joe, as she sits behind him] Well, well. There is a God.
- Joe Tyler: Actually, it was two Italians.
- Sara Moore: Do you have any feelings? Do you have any shred of humanity or compassion?
- Joe Tyler: [Sarcastically] Ah, little sick dogs pull at my heart strings, but, uh, certainly not trophy wives from Australia.
- Sara Moore: Australia? Look, first of all, I'm English, you twit. And second of all, we've certainly had our ups and downs, but I've stuck it out. And trophy wives don't do that. You know what? The guy on the phone was right. You are an asshole.
- Joe Tyler: Hey! I was just doing my...
- Joe Tyler: [Shocked] What guy on the phone?
- Sara Moore: The guy who called up to my apartment to say you were on your way up with those lovely papers.
- Joe Tyler: [Even more shocked] Somebody tipped you off? Who?
- Sara Moore: Yeah, like I know every guy in New York with a Brooklyn accent.
- Joe Tyler: Tony. It's gotta be Tony. That son of a bitch has been tipping off my marks for two months. That's why it's been so hard.
- Sara Moore: [Sarcastically] Well, my heart bleeds for you.
- Joe Tyler: I'm gonna kill that son of a bitch!
- Joe Tyler: [Kid turns around, shocked] Mind your own business, Pork Chop.
- Sara Moore: [as Joe pretends to be asleep] Hey. Hey. I've got another question. How do people do it?
- Sara Moore: [No response] I know you're awake, so stop pretending to be asleep.
- Joe Tyler: Actually, I was pretending to be dead, but can't fool you.
- Sara Moore: How can someone end a marriage like that? Just... pow!
- Joe Tyler: Look, are you telling me that you didn't see this coming? Let me guess: a lot of trips out of town? "Go ahead, honey. Go ahead. Don't worry your pretty little head. I'll take care of the homestead". Not to mention those extra poker nights with the boys.
- Sara Moore: Gordon doesn't play poker.
- Joe Tyler: You're missing my point. Look, I have served thousands of subpoenas. Granted, never one to somebody as hot as you. I don't know your husband, but I do have a great deal of insight to men and we are mean, hurtful, and despicable. Male Headquarters would kill me if they knew I was telling you this.
- Sara Moore: Yeah, well, despicable is putting it mildly. But then, you complain that we get half of everything. Believe me, with this type of treatment, half is the very least we should get.
- Joe Tyler: The only thing you're getting half of, honey, is screwed.
- Sara Moore: What do you mean?
- Joe Tyler: He served you first. He's in Texas. He's got home-court advantage.
- Sara Moore: What? Wait, served me first. What is this? Third grade?
- Joe Tyler: Yeah. Sometimes. Texas has some of the most conservative divorce laws in the country. Not to mention those good ol' boy judges. I'm sure most of them aren't married to their first wives.
- Sara Moore: Believe me, if I'd known this was coming, I would've been the one doing the serving.
- Joe Tyler: [Whispering] Yeah.
- Sara Moore: How about that, huh?
- Joe Tyler: Whatever.
- Sara Moore: No, seriously. What would have happened if I had served him first?
- Joe Tyler: OK. If you had served him first, the trial would have been in New York, not in Texas, where you would have fared a lot better. 50% better, actually.
- Sara Moore: Hey, I have a proposition for you: You tear up the papers on me and I'll hire you to serve my husband, I'll pay you twice what you're getting now.
- Joe Tyler: Look, here's where you don't understand. I've already told them that I served you, OK? So, if I flip it and tag your husband, my reputation will be shot, I'll never work again.
- Sara Moore: I'll give you 10% of my divorce settlement.
- Sara Moore: [Joe scoffs] We own a cattle ranch, it's $20,000,000.
- Joe Tyler: $20,000,000?
- Sara Moore: Mm-hmm.
- Joe Tyler: 10% of half?
- Sara Moore: Mm-hmm.
- Joe Tyler: You're willing to pay me $1,000,000?
- Sara Moore: Well, that still leaves 9 for me versus next to nothing. It's kind of a no-brainer.
- Joe Tyler: You're really serious?
- Sara Moore: I think we should draw up a contract.
- Sara Moore: [She takes a picture of herself and Gordon and tears it in half] Won't be needing this.
- Sara Moore: [Writing on the back of the picture] One...
- Sara Moore, Joe Tyler: ...Million...
- Joe Tyler: [Taking the picture] ... Dollars. Great. Let's go.
- Sara Moore: [Getting off the bus with Joe] Thanks a lot.
- Marriott Hotel Clerk: [Answering Joe's phone call] Miami Marriott?
- Joe Tyler: If anybody calls for Miss Sara Moore, tell them she's relocated to one of your hotels in Bangor, Maine.
- Marriott Hotel Clerk: [Writing down the message] Bangor, Maine.
- Joe Tyler: That's right. Bangor, Maine. That's where she'll be.