Voodoo Academy

And a few more "no"s on top of that. Voodoo Academy is, without a doubt, the least ambitious film of all time. What exactly is it trying to do? Tell a story? Obviously not; as has been pointed out, most of it's just barely-legal guys rubbing themselves. Could it, then, be an attempt at subversive homoeroticism? Well, maybe, if not for the fact it never ever ever goes beyond the most innocuous and nonthreatening forms of male contact. (Which is, to the delight of none, repeated about eighty thousand times.) Well, it is sort of a horror movie; is it trying to scare us? Not unless the director meant to do so through the utter tedium and vacuousness of his "work."

Never in my life have I enjoyed a movie less. This is the most boring and unnecessary thing I've ever seen. It's like Voodoo Academy takes the genres of horror, zombie, and gay movies, puts them in a grinder, then runs them through a coffee filter--only instead of it being the kind of coffee filter that filters out coffee beans, it's the kind that takes out everything vital, edgy, or in any way interesting. The result is 74 minutes of film every bit as exciting as a glass of warm water--only without the ability to rehydrate you after the 10-day gin binge that will inevitably befall you if you watch this abomination of human effort.

A high-concept, homoerotic, genre film that - for all its bare chest rubbing, hair gel and glossed-lipped poutiness - falls flat on its face. Even worse acting only tops a lousy script.

That said, if you're into barely 20-something boys in spanking white boxer shorts and white socks touching themselves incessantly all over while having a mutual wet dream, well this one's for you! Frankly, I find doing my grocery list more exciting. Surprisingly enough, the production quality is halfway decent, though.

Those of us, who like high-concept horror, will hate this one. There's barely an attempt at plausibility, and the level of horror tends to bend more towards cute than scary. Those of you who like homoerotic, this is about as erotic as a PBS film. Is it soooo bad that it's good? No. It's just silly and boring.

It's just basically about six kids that attend Carmichael Bible School and the two owners are trying to make them into voodoo dolls. About three fourths of the movie is the guys rubbing their own bodies. The cast of the six kids was okay, but he two adults were terrible in my opinion. Especially the Rev. Carmichael. He wasn't a good actor at all. When I rented this I was expecting a good horror film, but it defiantly wasn't anything like what I expected at all. I really suggest that you do not get this movie. It is probably the worst movie you'll ever see, because it's defiantly one of the worst movies that I've ever seen. The only reason I rented it was because I think Riley Smith (Christopher Sawyer) is hot.

High school teacher and her assistant at a private boarding school use half naked boys as their prey in helping to raise an army of the dead. No plot what so ever, just an extended series of boys wearing designer underwear touching and rubbing themselves in bed, walking around the school in there underwear only, and taking baths together. No camp value or laughs at all. This feels like gay porn, instead of an actual film. Disappointing effort from Full Moon Entertainment.

Unrated (90 mins.) or R-Rated (74 mins.); Strong Sexual Content.

This is one of those movies that should have been way better than it turned out to be. I dread to think what the Blockbuster-approved edit must have looked like, because the director's cut on DVD was a bore of the epic proportions. Naturally, you don't expect it to be "The Godfather", but an acting class or two might have come in handy.

Also, there were so many cute guys in this movie, but they were woefully under-exploited. I like watching a bevy of hotties writhe around in their BVDs as much as the next guy, but even I have a right to expect a little more. It wasn't a total loss, though; at least we got a peek a Drew Fuller's (covered) junk and truly upsetting haircut. And there's Huntley Ritter looking even cuter than he did in "Bring It On" (and acting about as well). There's always a silver lining, kids. You just have to look really hard for it. And occasionally, you have to make use of your pause button.