- J.D.: Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.
- Wayne: Okay, our enemy is wicked, so...
- J.D.: Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.
- Wayne: Damien.
- J.D.: Dude, she's Vader.
- Wayne: No! She is the Emperor!
- J.D.: Yeah, but with really great tits!
- Wayne: Okay, now Sandy, that girl? She's a nice girl.
- J.D.: Ah, yeah.
- Wayne: She's a sweetheart.
- J.D.: Dude, a saint.
- Wayne: A goddess.
- J.D.: A princess.
- Wayne: 'Know what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa.
- J.D.: Yeah, but with way better tits.
- Wayne: Dude!
- J.D.: Dude!
- Wayne: Why didn't you answer the door?
- J.D.: I'm eatin'.
- Wayne: So?
- J.D.: I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.
- Wayne: Since when?
- J.D.: Since always.
- Wayne: I never knew that.
- J.D.: Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.
- Wayne: Is there anything else you wanna tell me?
- J.D.: I got three balls.
- Wayne: Shut up! God!
- J.D.: Dude. Dude. Dude!
- J.D.: Do you want a drink?
- Judith: Scotch on the rocks.
- J.D.: No problem. You want ice with that?
- Wayne: So Darren tells me you're a psychologist.
- Judith: That's right.
- Wayne: I'm in a related field.
- Judith: Really? What is it?
- Wayne: Pest and rodent removal.
- Judith: How is that related?
- Wayne: We both help people.
- Coach Norton: By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman?
- Wayne: Uh, yeah. Yeah, we snuffed that broad just like ya said.
- Coach Norton: Good. How'd ya do it?
- Wayne: We, um...
- J.D.: Ate her...
- Coach Norton: You ate her?
- Wayne: Yeah, we ate her.
- J.D.: Alive.
- Coach Norton: My hat goes off to you. You boys are smart; that's the perfect crime.
- [after Sandy has left with Wayne and J.D]
- Mother Superior: Damn! Lost another one!
- Nun: Son of a bitch.
- Coach Norton: Remember, boys! STAY AWAY from women! All they want from you is your man-juice! If you ever get the kind of urges that cannot be supressed by hard liquor, then use this!
- [shows his right hand]
- [after Wayne, Sandy, and Neil Diamond crashed and ruined Judith's wedding by getting Darren back with Sandy, Judith becomes enraged with anger by walking towards Wayne and smacks him with a chair]
- Judith: [screaming] YOU RUINED MY LIFE!
- Wayne: [Judith pulls Wayne's legs] Ah! But I saved Darren's!
- Judith: Just because I lost Darren doesn't mean I'm crazy enough to hook up with YOU!
- [Wayne yells and screams while throwing Judith to the aisle]
- Wayne: Hey! Why can't you just admit that when you kissed me you liked it?
- Judith: Yeah, you're right. I have a weakness for incompotent morons.
- [Judith smacks Wayne in the mouth and one of his teeth come out his lips. Then Wayne does the same thing and Judith spits out the loose tooth]
- Wayne: [choking each other] Admit it! Aah! I'm the strong-willed, assertive man that you need and you're the hardcore bitch I've always dreamed of!
- [Darren has refused to stop seeing his friends or quit the band]
- Judith: Ok, then. No more sex!
- Darren: What?
- Judith: You're not allowed to go down on me for a month!
- [Darren is about to speak, but Judith cuts him off]
- Judith: Don't *make me* take away your masturbation privileges!
- J.D.: COME ON AH YEEEEEEEH-HA!
- Judith: Have you ever had a girlfriend?
- J.D.: Yes... No!
- Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?
- J.D.: Which man?
- Judith: Any man!
- J.D.: You mean like a tall man?
- Judith: Sure, whatever!
- J.D.: 'Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me!
- Judith: What about a short man?
- J.D.: How short? Some times people can be too short, that's weird like midgets!
- Judith: Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all?
- J.D.: Does that include celebrities?
- Darren: I don't think I'm gonna be real comfortable with these things on my nipples.
- Wayne: I can put 'em on your balls.
- Darren: The nipples are fine. Nipples work.
- J.D.: Hey Sandy! It's me, JD, I went to high school with you, remember?
- Sandy: Um, no I don't think I recall...
- J.D.: Yeah, c'mon. Remember? I went to prom with a tux painted on my naked body?
- Sandy: Um...
- J.D.: Yeah! And then I spilled punch on myself and everyone could see my dong?
- Sandy: No, JD, I really...
- J.D.: Oh yeah! We had chemistry together and I tried to light a fart with the Bunsen burner and I ended up singeing my balls... still can't grow hair on my left nut. Sucks.
- [approaching America Avenue]
- Neil Diamond: Hey, we're coming to America.
- [Judith has torched Darren's Neil Diamond albums]
- J.D.: She torched Neil? You're right. She is a monster.
- [Wayne and J.D. are discussing what's happened to Darren]
- Wayne: She didn't like the way his ass looked, so she made him get butt cheek implants.
- J.D.: I thought his ass looked tighter!
- J.D.: Neil! I wanna party with you! I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU!
- J.D.: Fuck you, replacement-friends!
- Wayne: Eat this, Fake Wayne!
- Wayne: So, Coach, how's your parole coming?
- Coach Norton: Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining
- J.D.: God! What is their PROBLEM?
- Darren: I don't have much time, guys. I have to go home and wax Judith's legs.
- J.D.: You've been pinching loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there!
- J.D.: [bringing a box of videos to Judith] Hey, I brought you some more videos. You've got your choice: porno's or monster trucks. Oh, and I got one that's both.
- [in the R-rated version]
- Wayne: [in the R-rated version] I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse
- J.D.: It's true!
- Coach Norton: [Watches a live feed of Judith locked up in the garage on the TV] What the hell we got here? Some kind of public access show or something?
- Wayne: [Nervously] Yeah.
- Coach Norton: Wait a minute, that's the kidnap victim, ain't it? You didn't kill her.
- Wayne: No, coach.
- Coach Norton: I'm real disappointing in you boys. Now I want you to go out there and off that cooze.
- Wayne: We can't, coach.
- Coach Norton: [Notices Judith untying herself from the chair] FOR PETE'S SAKE! She's getting out! Go chop her head off or something!
- Coach Norton: [J.D. and Wayne don't budge] There's no fight left in you! You're nutless! You've been pussified! Don't worry about a thing boys I'll take care of that broad.
- J.D.: Judy, awesome to meet you.
- Judith: Jud-*ith*.
- J.D.: Judith. And a beer bong for the lady?
- J.D.: Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like,
- [making obscene gestures with his hands]
- J.D.: 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha!
- Wayne: Dude, mimes don't talk.
- J.D.: They do when they're off duty.
- Wayne: You're not gay... you're just confused.
- J.D.: Yes, I am gay. Oh HEY! Do you wanna be gay with me?
- Wayne: NO!
- J.D.: Maybe she's a herm.
- Darren: A what?
- J.D.: Ya know, a herm. A little puss, little dick.
- Judith: I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother.
- Wayne: I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but girls call him the human power tool.
- J.D.: It's true!
- Wayne: Dude, you don't want a chick who'd fuck a mime.
- J.D.: She used her super-intellect on me! She's like Hanibal Lecter.
- Darren: Hi, I'm Darren.
- [Judith looks confused and unimpressed]
- Darren: Darren. My friend said you wanted to meet me.
- Judith: He lied.
- Darren: Haha, that's a good one.
- Judith: No, seriously. I don't want to meet you.
- Wayne: Coach, we need your advice.
- Coach Norton: Okay, shoot.
- Wayne: Darren fell in love with this girl, Judith. And we kidnapped her.
- Coach Norton: Kill her.
- Wayne: Wait a second, let me finish. So we screwed up, because now she knows who we are. And we can't let her go, or she'll turn us in.
- Coach Norton: Is that it? Is that everything? Hmmm... ..kill her!
- Judith: It took balls. Big balls.
- [after seeing a hot woman in a bar]
- Wayne: Carpe poon, man.
- J.D.: Isn't one-and-only supposed to be, like, one? And only?
- Wayne: [when Darren is mourning] You promised Sandy you'd be there. You gave her your word.
- Darren: I didn't even talk to her.
- Wayne: O.K. I gave her your word.
- Darren: Come on Wayne. When are you gonna forget about the idea that i'll go out with Sandy?
- Wayne: When you go out with Sandy.
- [Wayne shows Darren a time chart he made reflecting how Darren's relationship with Judith has affected their lives. He begins by pointing to a line reflecting their fun level, labeled 'F']
- Wayne: Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high. Ninety-three, it is now an eight.
- [shows the fun levels large decline]
- Wayne: [Points to line reflecting their band, labeled 'B']
- Wayne: Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well.
- [Points to line reflecting girls, labeled 'G'. The line remains extremely low throughout the chart]
- Wayne: Girls... never very high at nine, but look now. TWO!
- [Points to line representing their masturbation levels, labeled 'WO', the line very quickly rises so that it runs off the chart]
- Wayne: This has obviously lead to increased whacking off!
- J.D.: I'm chafing.
- Darren: You're a lot stronger then you were in high school.
- Sandy: Yeah, well, the convent's got a great gym.
- Coach Norton: What is it that I always said?
- J.D., Wayne: If you can dream it, you can do it.
- Coach Norton: Exactly! You have the dream. All you need to do is turn it into reality.
- [In the garage of his house, Wayne is chaining up Judith after she escaped]
- Wayne: [Finishes] There. That should keep you from escaping again. And this...
- [pulls out a Catcher's mask]
- Wayne: this...
- [puts the mask on Judith's face]
- Wayne: this should keep you from biting.
- Judith: How am I gonna eat?
- Wayne: I've thought of that.
- [Wayne shows Judith a jar filled with breakfast mash and a straw]
- Judith: What is that?
- Wayne: It's breakfast. Pancakes, sausage, uh, hash brown, pop tart, pureed.
- Judith: [disgusted] I'm not eating that shit. I want a Big Montana.
- Wayne: A what?
- Judith: A Big Montana from Arby's with curly fries.
- Wayne: No, I'm not gonna get you one. If you don't wanna eat what I've made for you, then you can starve.
- Judith: [freaks out] Why are you doing this?
- Wayne: It's the only way to save our friendship.
- Judith: [calms down] It doesn't seem like a friendship to me. It seems like you're in love with Darren.
- Wayne: Bullshit!
- [chuckles]
- Wayne: I am so un-gay.
- Judith: Okay, fine. Let's pretend for a second that you're straight. When the last time you've got any?
- Wayne: That's none of your business.
- Judith: So it's been years?
- Wayne: I'm waiting for the right woman.
- Judith: There is no right woman for you, Wayne. If my guess is, if there ever was, you've already met her and she's either killed herself or become a lesbian.
- Wayne: [yells] Up yours!
- Judith: Go to hell!
- Wayne: Skank!
- Judith: Eunuch!
- Wayne: [screams] Stealer... of my FRIEND!
- [Wayne and JD have tried to convince Judith to leave Darren, unsuccessfully]
- Judith: He's my puppet now. And I'm the puppet master.
- Wayne: We're gonna kidnap Judith and set Darren up with Sandy.
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