Splatter Farm

Splatter Farm is a great film...if you are deaf and blind. This is most assuredly the most retarded film ever to be distributed with box art. We're talking production values lower than an extra value meal here, kids. Necrophilia, strange homosexual rape, and incest are not punchlines when you take them as seriously as the makers of this film. If Deliverance had been made by autistic baboons, it would be better than this. If I could have, I would have rated this movie lower than a 1, only a little nub of the first star would have been lit up. 1/10.

When one goes to see your regular, run-of-the-mill movie in theatres or on video, it can be expected that it wll be sanitized for our protection. Whether it be censors or nervous movie studios, it'll be tame and boring. With the excellent "Splatter Farm," however, everything is home-made video delight and anything is possible. So I say, seek this movie out and enjoy its unpredictability!

I read the first review, and I agree - total home movie. Decent first amateur effort but GOD what bad acting (and I LOVE bad horror/monster movies). If you go into this movie knowing that it's a home movie, you'll be impressed; but if you go in thinking that it's a "studio" movie (like I did and most people probably do), you'll be disappointed from the very first scene. Amateur special effects, amateur "scary" music, bad lighting, HORRIBLE amateur acting (especially by the old woman)...but it ventures into a ton of "taboo" subjects (incest, gay oral sex, using a severed arm/hand to masturbate and a severed head to perform fellatio, rape, anal fisting and ingesting the results, etc.). The ironic thing is, there's an interesting plot twist revealed at the very end that is pretty mature for a home movie.

See if it you can find it free/cheap, but go in knowing that this is a home movie.

There is a scene in "Splatter Farm" where, after making a ghastly discovery in a barn, one of our twin protagonists stumbles outside and vomits. He runs off, and a delighted cat runs over and we get an up-close scene of him happily lapping it up. He really digs in to them chunks of turnip! I could say that this sums up the debut film from the infamous Polonia brothers but I would be lying. Not when there are multiple scenes of dismemberment, some incest and torture to boot. All cheaply done, I may add, but very visceral. Which is not to say that "Splatter Farm" is a dismissible, straight-to-video exploitation film. On the contrary, it is quit the shocker, and is high on the creative energy of the Polonia brothers, who wrote the script, starred and directed along with their pal Todd Smith.

The film sees foul-mouthed brothers Alan and Joseph driving out in to the countryside to spend the summer at their Aunt's farm. She is a disgusting old pervert of a woman, who can't take her eyes off of these two young men, even though they are her nephews! Alan and Joseph are perturbed by the half-wit and creepy handyman that their auntie has plodding around the farm and lurking around the house. "What exactly does he do around here?" one of the brothers demands, in one of many hilarious outbursts. Well, when he isn't listlessly hacking weeds around the farm, Jeremy is exuberantly hacking people to pieces and making masks and ornaments out of their dead bodies (Such a blatant "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" rip-off but I'll let it slide). Pretty soon, the brothers find that they are on Jeremy's radar as well as their auntie's, and they'll be doing well to survive the week out here, let alone the entire summer.

Although the special effects are outrageously cheap, they are actually effective and I found some scenes stomach-churning. I believe the Polonia brothers were only about 19 when they made this, and you can see that they really had a flare for it and what they lacked in budget and experience, they more than made-up for when it came to visceral horror. The auntie is one of the most naturally terrifying and disgusting characters I've ever come across, so well done Marion Costly for that performance.

I have been watching obscure horror movies for years and years. I have seen many of the unknown classics, like WOODCHIPPER MASSACRE, BLOODBATH IN PSYCHO TOWN, and HORROR HOUSE ON HIGHWAY FIVE. But NO movie--no matter how crazy, no matter how sick, or no matter how deranged--could've possibly prepared me for the Polonia Brothers' SPLATTER FARM.

Take it from me: you have never seen anything like this movie, and you never ever will. No other production could possibly be more nauseating, more shocking, and more badly-produced than this one. Also, no other production could possibly be cheaper, as SPLATTER FARM has absolutely NO budget (And when I say "no budget", I mean just that... Not $20000, not $1000, not even $200... But ZERO DOLLARS!).

So what exactly is this home-made, shot-on-video masterpiece about? Well, it's hard to say exactly, but I'll give it a go: teenage twins Joseph and Alan go to stay with their lonely (and really, really old) Aunt Lacy, who aside from having necrophilic tendencies with her deceased husband, lusts after her nephew Alan. During their visit, they notice their Aunt's perverted homosexual groundskeeper (Jeremy, played brilliantly by Todd Rimatti) has been exhibiting some rather strange behavior. It seems Jeremy has a bad habit of killing the townsfolk, dismembering them, and storing their body parts in his barn to use for sexual gratification later on. The boys are unable to get ahold of anybody on the outside, and now feel that their lives are in danger, so they begin to take charge of the situation. And that's when it really, REALLLLLY gets ugly.

Does it sound f'ed up? Well, lemme tell ya: I can't even BEGIN to emphasize just how f'ed up this movie is, and just how sickeningly far it goes. In fact, I was so awestruck by this little feature that I soon grew an unhealthy obsession with it. I did as much research as I could on this little obscurity and gathered up every scrap of information I could find. But, for the most part, its production, its actors, and how it somehow got made and distributed in the first place are still a nagging enigma to me. I have watched it several times with numerous people, all of whom were speechless and appalled as the story unfolded. One of my friends, Paul, has also fallen in mad love with SPLATTER FARM and has written a review on this web site as well. Because of this movie I have developed a deep appreciation for the Polonia Brothers and their many bizarre films. I would love to meet them some day, for I am sure they are the sole reason I exist.

PLEASE SEEK OUT AND WATCH THIS MOVIE. You might not like it (in fact, I'm pretty sure you won't), but you WILL be entertained by it, and it will indeed shock the living hell out of you. And, as I stated earlier, you will never see anything like it for the rest of your meaningless, pitiful existence. Trust me.