- Ian Stark: Hey, you're back! How was your sister's?
- Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Oh, it was great! Her kids are so adorable! I learned everything there is to know about Pokémon, and then on the bus ride home, I locked myself in the bathroom and tied my own tubes.
- Ian Stark: I thought we ordered chicken wings.
- Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Wings are for when you're drunk. Soup is for when you're sick.
- Jake Donovan: That's what my mom used to say. Boy, she loved her wings!
- Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Didn't your mother ever comfort you when you were sick?
- Henry: Yeah, of course. She was very loving. She used to sing to me over the intercom.
- Ian Stark: Where have you been? I just pretended to choke on an oyster for you, then Audrey ran over and gave me a Heimlich Maneuver - from the front!
- Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Of all the times I've slinked out of a man's apartment in my underwear, this is the one I'm most ashamed of.
- Ian Stark: Ya know, James Joyce was weird. Van Gogh was weird - Stravinsky was weird. You know, talent doesn't always come wrapped up in a nice, new, shiny, little box, Henry. Sometimes it's messy and organic and raw and you might just have to look a little deeper to find it.
- Henry: And sometimes when it's messy and organic and raw, it's garbage!
- Henry: It doesn't have to be a pick-up thing. You just go up to her and say, "Hi, my name is Ian. I'm a best-selling author..."
- Ian Stark: "I'm so lonely and desperate that I talk to strangers in restaurants. Hopefully your life is bad enough to welcome this kind of weirdness, so how 'bout we get together and disappoint each other?"
- Ian Stark: How about this one? I don't have that goofy smile on my face.
- Jake Donovan: I dunno. It looks a little scary for the back cover.
- Ian Stark: It's a scary story!
- Jake Donovan: Yeah, but you still want a photo which says 'buy this book'. This photo says 'buy this book or I'll kill the president'.
- Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: There's people downstairs waiting for me to open the bar. I can't believe how early those losers start drinking. Oh, champagne!
- [Tess ate some bad food at a diner]
- Tess Farraday: I'm not putting anything in my mouth for a week!
- Ian Stark: Have a nice night, Henry.
- Tess Farraday: Carol says that every guy has a girl that he calls when he gets drunk. She's yours, isn't she?
- Henry: No! You're my drunken call girl!
- Ian Stark: Good God, Henry! If you'd ever been in the army, your own men woulda held you down and dry-shaved you!
- Henry: I'm going to go and read these pages in a more hygienic setting... like the bathroom of a Greyhound Bus.
- Audrey: While other publishers are lunching with Mailer and Updike, I'll be debating whether a toaster would actually say, "I've got bread in my head."
- Tess Farraday: Jennifer's boyfriend used to say "Robert" in his sleep... and now he sleeps with Robert!
- Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Ian's gonna hypnotize me.
- Jake Donovan: Yeah, to do what? Quit smokin'? Lose weight? Stop sleeping with losers?
- Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: I don't smoke, I'm not fat and I don't... Can you help me out with that too?
- Audrey: I'm never gonna get that advance check back!
- Henry: Audrey, this really isn't the day to be thinking about money.
- Audrey: Tell that to the widow Huggles - she cashed the damn thing this morning.
- Henry: The day of her husband's funeral?
- Audrey: You should have seen that line of cars with their lights on outside the bank!
- Margaret 'Maddie' Keller: Hey, if we don't get this fish back to the tank in another couple of minutes, we might as well just get it to a cracker.
- Ian Stark: She was just lashing out at you for sleeping with Maddie, which she doesn't know you didn't really do. Wait... Yeah, that's right.