- Johnny Gomez: What the?
- [to Nick]
- Johnny Gomez: WHAT HAPPENED TO THE TAPE?
- Nick Diamond: Oh shoot, I...
- Johnny Gomez: Don't tell me! You have the only copy of this historic Beatles fight with all these new songs and you've recorded over its- Tell me it's not true!
- Nick Diamond: What can I say, Johnny? I'm a JAG Maniac!
- Johnny Gomez: You're a JAG Off!
- [to the audience]
- Johnny Gomez: Sorry folks. I'll make sure he pays for this. For Celebrity Deathmatch, I'm Johnny Gomez.
- Nick Diamond: And I'm...
- Johnny Gomez: [to Nick] A DEAD man!
- [to the audience]
- Johnny Gomez: Good fight, good night!
- [Punching Nick 2 times, to Nick]
- Johnny Gomez: You stupid, harmless-!
- Anna Kournikova: [about opponent Elizabeth Hurley] Yes, I called her ugly, but I should have called her a pig! I should have called her a hideous, swirly moonie face! I hate her, I hate her! Aaaaaaaaaah!
- Alfred Hitchcock: [to Steven Spielberg] Good evening, Steven. Welcome to Alfred Hitchcock Presents... your death.
- [to Ernest Hemingway]
- Mankind: You know what the difference between your book and mine is? MINE WEIGHS MORE.
- [Clobbers Hemingway with his book]
- Mills Lane: All right, young ladies, this is a fight to the death. Now death may not be something you two have thought about, so let me just explain...
- Mary-Kate Olsen: [interrupting, to Ashley] I hate you!
- Ashley Olsen: I hate you more!
- Mary-Kate Olsen: You're stupid!
- Ashley Olsen: You're stupider!
- Mills Lane: [breaking up the girls' slapping match] Ladies, I haven't even started the fight yet!
- Mary-Kate Olsen: She started it!
- Ashley Olsen: No, she did!
- Mills Lane: [giving up after they try and hit each other] On second thought... just go ahead and get it on!
- Cher: [to Bette Midler] Hey, Midler! You got a wide load sign for that ass?
- [Axl Rose pulls out a sharp object from under his kilt]
- Johnny Gomez: Nick, what the hell is this psycho doing?
- [Celtic music played in background]
- Nick Diamond: Ancient Scottish soldiers wearing kilts such as Axl's always carried a dagger strapped to their ankle. Tradition has it that once a soldier removes it from its scabbard, he can't put it back without drawing blood... even if it's his own.
- Johnny Gomez: It's scissors, Nick.
- [Celtic music abruptly stops]
- Nick Diamond: Oh... uh, that must be a different tradition.
- Debbie Matenopoulos: You may be a reanimated corpse, Stacey, but you don't scare me! I've dealt with bigger stiffs than you!
- Stacey Cornbread: Oh yeah? LIKE WHO?
- Debbie Matenopoulos: Like Meredith Vieira, THAT'S WHO!