Plutonium Baby

I thought Halloween 3 was bad! Then I saw Plutonium baby. First of all, the tagline just doesn't work. He'll tell his mommy? HE HAS NO MOMMY TO TELL!! Secondly, the baby isn't even a baby - he's about eleven years old. The stupid teenagers that enter the scene serve the proper horror movie purpose - they're complete idiots. The cinematography is laughable. The kids are seemingly lost in the middle of the woods, but if you look carefully you can see a car go by them in the background. Are you kidding me? "We're lost!" "Vvvrrroooom." "What was that?" Absolutely terrible. Next, the pathetic storyline drags on for hours - literally. Just when you think the nauseating plot has finally finshed, it flashes forward ten years to start the - (I'm running out of fitting words) - grotesquely stupid story all over again with the "baby" as a grown-up. There's a dull sex scene that's probably the longest scene in the whole movie - next in line for longest is the aerobics scene, that's right, there's an aerobics scene. That's about all you need to know, except the worst script line I've ever heard: "don't mind the nuclear warning sign, put your beer in there anyway." The fact that whoever wrote this film actually thought they'd make a profit from it is the best part - it's just too much!! It's beyond those bad movies that are fun to laugh at, like Bloodfeast for example. No it's just plain bad. Not funny in a "this is supposed to scare us?" sort of way, but bad in a "they should use this video for torture" sort of way. Avoid this movie like you would avoid the Black Plague.

IT'S ALIVE?!?! No, wait a minute! It's a complete overhaul of a mess! For what lost cause does this corny title make any good sense? Made and shot at a VERY miniscule budget, there's no secret why PLUTONIUM BABY carries one useless scene after another, and later on, things can only get worse until the bitter end! It has killings and all the more, and for so much less out of all its vital functions needed to sustain life. Not even our contaminated killer can suck on a milk bottle, nor fit in the cradle! Keep your eyes peeled for a wild and savage rabbit that is worth the entire movie alone. Never has it been so difficult to find tons of ultra-cheapie horror movies waiting for the eyes and ears of this weird world. This makes the perfect "schlock" experience that's uncommonly rare (also try watching REVENGE OF THE RADIOACTIVE REPORTER). Just who is Patrick Molloy, and what's he up to now?

I was on my weekly trip to the video rental place down the street, where I normally rent about 5 mindless horror films a week, when I saw the case of "Plutonium Baby". I thought it looked rather amusing, so my friends and I rented it. I have seen "Leprechaun", I have seen "Leviathan" and I have seen "Lifeforce". I have seen "Pod People (Los Nuevos Extraterrestrios)", I have seen "Mitchell" and "The Wild Wild World of Batwoman". I have seen films of a quality so low that the average viewer would lose their faith in humanity. The foul abomination "Plutonium Baby" makes them look like "Citizen Kane". The longest scene in this film was the sex scene between the title character, named David if I recall correctly, and his wife. I sat through the entire film, and I still don't know what was supposed to have happened. The plot was unintelligible. The effects were sickeningly bad. There was even one radiation warped creature that my friends and I mistook for a muppet at first. The dialogue was also abomidable. I believe this is the only film in which an actor actually uttered the phrase "Don't pay any attention to that radioactive symbol, just put your beer in there." I would not have sat through the whole thing if my friends had not restrained me, and I reccomend that you locate every copy of this film that you can, and burn it.

To grasp the concept of eternity, you don't need to know about mountains of diamond and tiny birds pecking at them till they wear down to a nubbin. All you need to do is sit down with Plutonium Baby, a pot of coffee, and a fresh package of $1.29 oatmeal cookies, and, trust me, you'll experience eternity. The coffee will be nothing but a stain in your cup, the oatmeal cookies will be nothing but crumbs, and Plutonium Baby will STILL be slowly, patiently, remorselessly unreeling on your screen.

Characters wander onto the set, they wander off, things happen, a whole new movie starts about two-thirds of the way into the tape; yes, there's a radioactive Muppet Baby, yes, there's people preserved in drums of radioactive waste for a decade, yes, some doof decides he just has to use a drum of radioactive waste for a beer cooler, yes, at one point there's three unrelated parties of armed men wandering around in the Jersey woods looking for the Nuclear Kid. But you just don't care. You can't make yourself care.

I'm told there's a bet that you can't lose, no matter how drunk the individuals involved are: simply bet a guy any amount of money he can't eat a pound of butter in an hour, and keep it all down. In the same vein, I'd almost be willing to bet that a sane person could not sit, unrestrained, in a metal folding chair in front of Plutonium Baby and watch the whole thing straight through without falling asleep or getting up to purge.

I'd like to watch it again and see if I could isolate the elements that make this hog so completely unwatchable, but no force on earth could make me go through this a second time.

Yes, I've finally reached the depths of 80s horror that I am watching stuff called PLUTONIUM BABY. Some kids go camping in the woods and run into an old man and his grandson, Danny. Seems the kid's mom was working for some nuclear folks and got contaminated, so this kid glows in the dark (according to on screen text, we never see it happen). Goons come into the woods to kill him, but they are killed with the leader being placed in a toxic waste drum. Ten years later, the grown Danny (Ciaran Sheehan) is a construction worker in NYC and life is normal until the guy bursts from the drum with revenge on his mind. If that sounds a bit disjointed, there is a reason. According to the IMDb, the original director (William Szarka) left halfway into a 10-day shoot and the producer took over. Whomever is responsible for the final product deserves a lashing. Never before has a director feared such things as close ups, camera movement, or editing. A majority of the dialogue scenes involve two people standing in the frame and getting it all out in one burst. If the film has anything going for it, there are some interesting FX by Scott Coulter. After that, it is slim pickings.