- Merton: From an old legend, and the third season of Buffy...
- Stacey: Why did you wait eleven years to ask me out?
- Tommy: Well, in the second grade I was in the middle of an intense relationship with G.I. Joe.
- Tommy: [reciting a spell to banish an evil witch] From the ground to the air, from the air to the ground! The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round! The wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the day!
- Merton: [puts a hand on Lori's shoulder] It was nice knowing you.
- Merton: I've stayed up countless nights watching American Werewolf in London. American Werewolf in Paris! I even wrote a screenplay for American Werewolf in Lenningrad - which, of course is now St. Petersburg, but the story still works.
- Merton: So, you're a Voodoo witch doctor. What's that like?
- Merton: So, you're a fire-wielding sorceress. What's that like?
- Merton: So, You're a ravenous hoard of flesh-eating zombies. What's that like?
- Tommy: Dude, there's no such thing as vampires!
- Merton: Yeah. That means a lot coming from a werewolf.
- Merton: Look yonder, the Henderson family is having a picnic. "Son, eat your sandwich and we'll play wiffle ball." "But father, I don't fancy egg salad. I'd much prefer tea and crumpets! I'd also like me porridge! Porridge tastes good in me tummy! I like porridge..."
- Merton: [showing his tattoo of the Grim Reaper] Do you know who this is?
- Tommy: Marilyn Manson?
- Tommy: [Tommy can transfer his lycanthropy to another] I know who I'm gonna give it to. Lenny Womack. I hate that guy!
- Merton: Yeah, I hate him too, but he's already something of a pyromaniac. You don't wanna spawn a werewolf arsonist.
- Death: Checkmate!
- Tommy: Oh! Please gimme one more chance. Please!
- [Time lapse]
- Death: Yahtzee.
- [Time lapse]
- Death: Connect four.
- Tommy: Where? Where? I don't see it. Where?
- [Time lapse]
- Death: Colonel Mustard in the lounge with the lead pipe.
- Merton: Wow, you're good! How about Stratego?
- Death: No!
- Tommy: What happened in the movie, Merton?
- Merton: I'd be the perfect werewolf, Tommy! Bite me! Bite me! Bite Me!
- Merton: ...It says right here in Saucy Teen Magazine. Which is Becky's.
- Male cheerleader: Merton, don't think I'm razzing you, or giving you the business, but what made you come around?
- Merton: The Badminton Club rejected me. I couldn't say 'shuttlecock' without giggling.
- [both giggle]
- Merton: [reading] Ah! Here it is! 'Although not recognized as a legal defense in most states, evil twins have plagued mankind throughout history.'
- Hyacinth: Merzekial, are you breaking up with me?
- Merton: The brain stays in the head! The brain stays in the head!
- Merton: [Death is after Tommy. There is a knock at the door] Oh, I hope that's my pizza.
- Tommy: What?!
- Merton: D-I mean... I hope that's not Death.
- Becky: I'm not saying you should get a nose job. I'm just saying you should wear big hats or something to make it look smaller.
- Becky: Could you keep it down? Some of us are trying to forget you live here.
- [Tommy is reluctantly donating blood]
- Hugo: Now, less talking, more bleeding.
- [presses something to Tommy's inner arm]
- Tommy: Aargh!
- Hugo: It was only the cotton swab.
- Tommy: It's a very rough cotton swab.
- Tommy: There's a lot of kids out there with pretty wild imaginations, but I wasn't one of them. I really did get attacked by a character from a video game.
- Tommy: Merton! What's he saying?
- Merton: Tommy, I took Spanish 3, not Babylon 5!
- Merton: [Merton is accused of being a nerd] Nerds have labs. I have a lair. Ergo, I am not a nerd... Please disregard my use of 'ergo'
- Merton: Spell caster. Yeah right! He couldn't cast a shadow.
- Tommy: I've hated that guy since 5th grade when he threw my football in the lake.
- Merton: I've hated that guy since 5th grade when he threw *me* in the lake!
- Merton: Do this, Merton. Do that, Merton. Where's the love?
- Merton: Merton J. Dingle doesn't give up *that* easily!
- Merton: [stapler doesn't work] Ugh! Stupid stapler! I quit!
- Merton: I can't hide it any more. The truth is, I've got spirit. Yes I do. I've got spirit. How 'bout you! Wooohooo!
- Merton: OK, enough with the spell casting! You couldn't cast a net over a dead mackerel.
- Tommy: Nice glints, chalk.
- Merton: Tommy, bad news! That stuff I told you about Geiger? I was right!
- Tommy: He's an alien?
- Merton: Okay, I was almost right.
- Dean Dawkins: If the UPS guys comes, don't sign anything. I think I ordered another ab roller.
- Merton: Tommy, have you been bingeing at the Hungry Bucket again?
- Merton: I know everything!
- Merton: [notices an error on the board] Wait, carry the four.
- [corrects the error]
- Merton: Now I know everything! Ha, ha, ha!
- Merton: Note to self: write mocking letter to MENTA.
- Merton: [swearing to Male Nurse St. Jacques] I won't tell a soul.
- Merton: [next scene] Tommy! I'm a voodoo apprentice!
- Tommy: You mean I was blown off by a vampire chick?
- Merton: [trips] Never wear the frock when you're bowling!
- Merton: All right, tell me about your little "ghost friend".
- [makes air quotes with his fingers]
- Merton: OK, maybe the air quotes were a bit much.
- Merton: [trying to bite Tommy] I'm just jonesin' for an Osmodius Burger!
- 50's film narrator: The pale young man is right.
- Merton: Hey, how does he know I'm... young?
- Merton: R-O-W-D-I-E! That is the way we spell rowdy! Funny, that's not how the dictionary spells it.
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