666 moh gwai fuk wut

Satan Returns ("starring the babe from Naked Killer!" screams the tag-line) is very clearly modelled on Se7en: the dark, jumpy look-and-feel is faithfully reproduced. At one point, a character suggests that the killer has "seen Se7en". But the similarity ends there. Satan Returns is a film that could only ever be produced in Hong Kong: it is a demonic thriller featuring kung-fu, gunfights, sex, zombies, and the kitchen sink. It's all very entertaining (although ludicrous) stuff. At times, it even manages to be scary. See it to believe it.

For this supernatural serial killer flick, director Lun Ah not only adopts the grainy, rain-soaked style of David Fincher's Se7en (a big box-office hit the previous year), but also applies every clichéd technique available to him in the Hong Kong film-makers' bag of tricks. However, no amount of blue lighting, swirling smoke, slow-motion action, canted framing, and fluttering fabric can disguise the fact that Satan Returns is a cheaply produced, poorly considered piece of garbage that not even the presence of Hong Kong hottie Chingamy 'Naked Killer' Yau and top martial arts actor Donnie Yen can save from failure.

The plot, from the pen of prolific writer/producer Wong Jing, sees a murderer named Judas abducting women born on the 6th June 1969 and removing their hearts to see if they are the daughter of the devil (apparently, having no heart makes little difference to a spawn of Satan). Whilst this silly story does allow for the occasional scene of light gore and unimpressive action, the focus of the film is on dull police procedure infused with lame comedy. Only towards the end of the film, do proceedings get a little livelier with the introduction of a couple of zombie cops and a touch of power tool mayhem, but by then it's definitely a case of 'too little, too late'.

A touch more madness throughout, a couple of decent moments of tension, and a lot more gore certainly would've helped matters immeasurably, but as far as I am concerned, the key to success was under the director's nose all along: if he had made better use of Yau's smouldering sexuality (the only time she gets really horny, it is way too literal!), and hadn't allowed poor choreography and bad editing to prevent Yen from successfully displaying his awesome fighting skills, then Satan Returns would have been a whole lot more entertaining.

Now Hong Kong action movies are my one true cinematic blind spot, so I approached 'Satan Returns' with trepidation. I thought I would give it a look as it seemed it might be a slightly offbeat mix of Woo/Lam style cops'n'chops with a supernatural thriller theme. While I ended up hating this movie a lot less than I expected I still found it to be silly in the extreme, and pretty tiresome overall. The plot is incoherent nonsense about a religious nut called Judas attempting to find the Devil's daughter, and makes no real sense whatsoever. The only thing that kept me watching this to the very end was the the lovely Chingmy Yau of 'Naked Killer' fame, and some of the unintentionally funny sub-titles. Apart from that there isn't all that much to recommend this movie, and beware, the 'Se7en' comparisons are way off base, and extremely misleading.

This weirdo Hong Kong offering is a strange amalgamation of the traditional kung fu movie, the outrageous Chinese horror yarn and the typical 'edgy' dark thriller, so popular in the '90s in the advent of SE7EN and THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS. The latter two movies are directly referenced in this mix-up of a movie, which throws in a little bit of all genres to keep things entertaining – the only thing missing is typical Cat III style sex and nudity. Instead, we get a bizarre, barely-makes-sense kind of plot involving an evil cult (or man) named Judas, who's convinced that a female police officer is the daughter of Satan. Lots of chases down rain-washed alleyways and kung-fu action ensue, along with some light gun battles and an over-the-top finale which is worth the wait.

Chingamy Yau is the attractive girl who just might be the daughter of Satan, and tends to get caught up in lots of weird visions and sees herself with horns in the mirror. Stealing his scenes is one Donnie Yen as the ultra-cool bespectacled police officer, an extremely violent man who shows off his martial arts skills in a handful of decent fights. Altogether the pacing of this film is slow and it tends to be a case of style over substance, with not much in the way of drama or action unfolding despite the relative excitement that the plot promises. It actually tends to be a low budget kind of movie, with the only big-style action at the end, complete with chainsaws, crucifixions and explosions. It's worth the wait. Something else worth waiting for are the hilariously incorrect English subtitles, which turn many mundane moments into comedy situations.

Hyped as China's "answer" to Fincher's SEVEN; there's a scene where The Law run down a rain-soaked alley, a killer making use of a Biblical Motive and - well, that's about where the "connection" ends. Occult Scholar (??) seeks series of women with 6/6/69 birthdates in order to remove their hearts - any victim who survives the surgery, proves herself to be The Devil's Daughter. Usual HK buffet: martial arts (snore...), slapstick, noxious women, and, when all else fails, throw in some genital humour. It must be said, that zombie cops cut apart via chainsaw & a nailgun crucifixion are a tad more exciting than Paltrow's head in a box. Plus, a bonus "shock" ending. Basically, a feature length indictment of Chinese Law Enforcement. As one subtitled villain quips "Damn It! Go Eat S***!" Translation: rent a Cat III title instead.