- Joker: Pay me one billion dollars, and I'll kill Superman!
- Lex Luthor: [chuckles] What makes you think you can kill Superman when you can't even handle a mere mortal in a Halloween costume?
- Joker: [seizes Luthor by his jacket] There's nothing mere about that mortal!
- [Joker's plane crashes into the sea and explodes]
- Harley Quinn: Puddin'!
- Batman: At this point, he probably is.
- [Superman uses x-ray vision to see that Batman is really Bruce Wayne]
- Superman: Bruce Wayne!
- Batman: You peeked.
- Lois Lane: How could you have lied to me like that?
- Bruce Wayne: Now I never actually said I wasn't Batman.
- Terrorist: Let's make an example of this hero.
- [shoves Lois into a seat, buckles her seat belt and pulls it tight]
- Terrorist: A very tragic example, I'm afraid, Miss...?
- Lois Lane: Lane.
- Terrorist: Lane? Lois Lane? The one Superman always saves?
- Lois Lane: 'Fraid so.
- [Harley's driving Lex Luthor's limo]
- Harley Quinn: Whoa, momma, check out the cute hitchhiker!
- The Joker: [hitchhiking and showing off his gams] Yoo-hoo!
- [to Bruce Wayne, on dating Lois Lane]
- The Joker: My, you do live dangerously. Don't you realize you're moving in on Superman's main squeeze?
- [last lines]
- [Bruce Wayne says good-bye to Clark Kent]
- Bruce Wayne: She's all yours now, if you can handle that. But you'd better be good to her... 'cause I know where you live.
- [Superman has just broken in on the Joker]
- The Joker: More powerful than a locomotive... and just about as subtle.
- Superman: [after Batman throws Superman across the room with a judo throw, Superman knocks him onto a table] I heard you were crazy, but I didn't think you were stupid.
- Joker: Ceasar Carlini, my old pal! Why I haven't seen you since... wait, I've never seen you, have I? You need to get out more.
- The Joker: I sense we are kindred spirits, you and I. Oh, there are differences, to be sure... like hair.
- [Chuckles and pat's Luthor's bald head]
- [to Clark Kent, about Bruce Wayne]
- Lois Lane: I hear he's nothing but Gotham trash. Rich, spoiled...
- [sees Bruce Wayne disembarking from his jet]
- Lois Lane: ... and absolutely gorgeous!
- Batman: Where's the Joker?
- Binko: Who knows? Makin' ha-ha with Harley Quinn.
- [Batman holds up a small sliver of Kryptonite to Superman, who buckles]
- Batman: It doesn't take much, does it?
- [Bruce Wayne topples over the edge of a skyscraper]
- The Joker: See that he's street pizza! In this town, some flying fool could have caught him!
- The Joker: Oh, this could be a fair fight after all! And who wants to see that?
- Lois Lane: I'll get some iodine for that scrape. Burning, STINGING iodine.
- Batman: It's ironic, you know. She likes Bruce Wayne and she likes Superman. It's the other two guys she's not crazy about.
- Superman: Too bad we can't mix-and-match.
- Superman: Luthor's been lining all his buildings with lead. Blocks my X-ray vision.
- Batman: Well, there's always the direct approach.
- [Superman smashes through the wall. Batman approves]
- Batman: You're learning.
- [Mercy is watching Harley Quinn, on TV, being tossed into a padded wagon in a straightjacket]
- Harley Quinn: I want a lawyer! I want a doctor! I want a cheese sandwich!
- Mercy Graves: Now that's funny! Ha, ha, ha!
- Superman: Thanks. I couldn't have saved Lois without your help.
- Batman: I'm aware of that.
- Batman: Expect the unexpected.
- Lex Luthor: [grabs Joker] You maniac! You idiot! How dare you use one of my laboratories for your...?
- Joker: Harley?
- [Harley somersaults out and strikes a ridiculous fighting stance]
- Harley Quinn: Put him down, baldy!
- Lex Luthor: Mercy?
- [Mercy slams a flying kick into Harley]
- Mercy Graves: Here's for that punch in the face!
- Joker: [to Luthor] Can't we discuss this like gentlemen?
- [Luthor reluctantly releases Joker, while sounds of fighting continue in the background]
- Harley Quinn: Ooh, listen to Little Miss Can't-Take-A-Joke!
- [as Joker guides Luthor to a chair, Mercy goes flying across the room]
- Joker: Thank you. Have a seat, please.
- [as they sit, Harley charges across the room]
- Harley Quinn: BANZAI!
- Joker: Look at all the toys! Santa's been to to you, Lex!
- Harley Quinn: [playing with a Batman-shaped cookie while trying to cheer up Joker] Hello, Mr. J. I'm Batman. Eat me! Eat me! Eat me!
- Joker: [breaks the cookie] I know you're trying to cheer me up, Harley. But you see, anytime I blow a billion dollar deal, *it really kills my appetite*!
- Clark Kent: Any sign of the comedian?
- Bruce Wayne: Three nights, and not so much as a green hair.
- Clark Kent: Of course, you have been dividing your time between work and Lois.
- Bruce Wayne: Is that a problem?
- Clark Kent: Let's just say I'm concerned. Your reputation is... dubious. In and out of costume.
- Bruce Wayne: Don't worry. I'm taking Lois quite seriously. Besides, it seems to me you had your chance.
- [first lines]
- Harley Quinn: Hang on there, Clyde!
- Pawn Shop Broker: Sorry, miss, we're closed.
- Harley Quinn: Just look at what I'm selling! You'll plotz!
- Lois Lane: Um, Superman.
- Superman: Yes?
- Lois Lane: Um, how can I put this: I was just thinking... it might be nice to see each other when I wasn't falling out a window or something. Not that I'm not grateful for all the times you've helped me, you understand.
- Superman: I understand.
- Lois Lane: You do?
- [Lois, kicking herself for asking Superman on a date, talks to herself]
- Lois Lane: I understand, Lois. Really, you do? Yep, you're a complete moron. Why thank you, Superman, I think I'm a total loser, too. Jeez.
- Clark Kent: So just keep your ears open. Let me know if you hear any buzz about The Joker.
- Bibbo: Sure thing, Mr. Kent. Eh, but, eh, which one? There's lots of jokers around here.
- [after realizing Batman has discovered his identity]
- Clark Kent: Touché.
- [Batman encourages a Kryptonite-dazed Superman]
- Batman: Snap out of it, Kent, or Joker gets the last laugh.
- Harley Quinn: [holding a gingerbread Batman cookie] Hello, Mr. J. I'm Batman! Eat me! Eat me! Eat me!
- [the Joker sees Batman fly towards him with a jetpack]
- The Joker: Copy-bat! Copy-bat! Suffering from propulsion envy, Batboy?
- [Batman and Lois Lane are pursued by a deadly robot]
- Batman: How do I contact Superman?
- Lois Lane: He's out at sea!
- Batman: Never around when you need him.
- [Lois Lane discovers Bruce Wayne is Batman]
- Lois Lane: So when were you going to tell me? The honeymoon?
- [Batman puts on his cowl, ready to leave. Lois Lane walks in]
- Lois Lane: Oh, no.
- Batman: Has to be done.
- Lois Lane: I don't suppose a stern lecture on unnecessary risk-taking is going to sway you.
- Batman: Sorry.
- Lois Lane: I didn't think so. Just be...
- [Batman is gone]
- Lois Lane: ... careful.
- [as Luthor and Joker finish their discussion, Mercy and Harley are still pounding each other's heads on the floor]
- Lex Luthor: Mercy, let's go!
- [to Joker]
- Lex Luthor: Keep in mind, this is your last chance.
- [He walks out. Mercy limps after him, groaning. Harley limps over to Joker, also groaning]
- Joker: How you doin', slugger?
- Harley Quinn: A-okay, Mr. J!
- [He pats her on the shoulder. She collapses]
- Lois Lane: You want to know what really galls me? Besides the fact that the new man in my life is really two men? It's that I'm sitting on the hottest story of the year - "Batman Unmasked!" - and there's not a blessed thing I can do about it!
- Bruce Wayne: Then you really do love me.
- [Alfred opens a case, revealing a jet pack and a set of glider wings]
- Alfred Pennyworth: If I may be so bold, sir. When in Rome...
- Lois Lane: [typing at her desk] "... the Senator declined comment." Done.
- [Bruce appears and kisses her cheek]
- Bruce Wayne: And not a moment too soon.
- Lois Lane: Bruce! When did you...?
- Bruce Wayne: About three paragraphs ago. I didn't want to disturb you.
- Lois Lane: Hey, Clark, keep Bruce company for a minute while I see the Chief, okay?
- Clark Kent: Uh, Lois...
- Lois Lane: Shh, don't be intimidated. Regale him with stories of
- [posh voice]
- Lois Lane: the nightlife in Smallville.
- Clark Kent: [answers phone] Hello?
- Lois Lane: Hi, it's me. I just wanted to let you know I'll be in late tomorrow morning. I'm having breakfast with Bruce.
- Clark Kent: Isn't that special.
- Lois Lane: Do I detect a note of disapproval?
- Clark Kent: You were the one who compared him to garbage.
- Lois Lane: Well, I was wrong. He's very thoughtful, romantic, and a lot deeper than the tabloids would have you believe.
- [Clark looks closer at his cape and sees a miniature bat-shaped tracking device planted on it]
- Lois Lane: You'd be surprised.
- Clark Kent: Would I now?
- [after the Batplane buzzes the Lexwing]
- Joker: Batman! It's always Batman! What you got in the way of air-to-air missiles, Lex?
- Lex Luthor: You're asking *me* for help?
- Joker: If I go down, you go down.
- Lex Luthor: It's a red switch.
- Joker: Which red...? Oh, the heck with it!
- [he jabs buttons at random]
- Joker: [rubbing the seat in Lex Luthor's limo] Ooo, rich Corinthian Leather!
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