Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft

I bought a set of 4 DVDs for 10 bucks at my local Suncoast, which contained this movie and three other trashy horror flicks (including its sequel "Witchcraft XI"). So basically I paid the rock bottom price of $2.50 for this movie, if you do the math. I can't exactly say I was ripped off. I have a thing for trashy horror movies, but this is the kind of trash that gives trash a bad name. The budget couldn't be over $1,000 (though it appears as if they spent a total of $1.50). I know it's a low-budget film, but that's no excuse for totally uninspired camerawork. The film "Blood Cult," though not very good, was made for an extremely low budget and still had fairly good camerawork and acting. The acting in this movie is the definition of "effortless," especially from that muscular guy with the Texas accent. Everyone is pretty much reading their lines off the page. You can take that figuratively or literally. I wouldn't be surprised if the script was off-camera as they were performing. I said before that I've never seen a bad English actor. This movie has quite a few bad ones. And though English movies aren't always good, they always seem to have at least a level of sophistication, which is why I don't see why any Englishman, or Englishwoman, would volunteer to do a home-video-style schlock flick like this. Did Merchant Ivory put a hold on their casting calls? Usually, I think people are too hard on directors and actors. Even some of the worst movies in Hollywood have some level of professionalism in the directing, acting and cinematography departments. Even when you watch a movie like "Glitter" you can't honestly say it looks like a third-grader shot those scenes (though a third-grader could've written the script). I've seen home movies that are shot better than "Witchcraft X," and that's no exaggeration whatsoever. Even the gore is minimal since the filmmakers only had money to buy some fake blood on sale at Party City. Not a single effort was put into making this movie--let's just sum it up like that. You get the picture. There's a good deal of nudity, though that doesn't save it. However, I must say that girl with the red-orange hair, who's either naked or wearing a cleavage-popping outfit throughout the film, is really hot!

My score: 1 (out of 10)

Sean Harry gives a stellar performance in what is a truly wonderful pile of poo. Witness his constant right hand turns around London! Gasp in awe at the amazing Y-fronts! Fear him as he points that plastic pistol! See the spectacle of the stiletto staking! Snigger at those floating silicon mountains! Get some cheese to go with that ham!

Pausing the film so you can go laugh your ass off is only one of many ways to watch it. Watch it while drunk, stoned, shagging, with friends, with a goat, with duct-tape, with alcopops, while being a little teapot, while running a convention, while hitting on women, while being hit on by men, while getting a haircut, while wondering why you have this film in the first place.

Don't buy this movie, but do watch it for the sheer entertainment value. Higher 'Ick!' factor than any gory horror movie, more ham'n'cheese than a really big sandwich, Sean Harry delivers it all. And some decent conventions on top.

Love'n'hugs Sean, T&L :)

"Mistress of the Craft" Celeste works as an agent for the London branch of Interpol's Bureau 17, which specializes in (I think) occult criminals. She possesses the Eye of Destiny, good in her hands, dangerous if anyone else got it.

Bureau 17 has caught a Satanist from California, Hyde (no relation to Dr. Jekyll). Detective Lucy Lutz of LAPD flies to England to bring him back to the US. Lutz is the connection to the earlier Witchcraft movies, having been played by Stephanie Beaton before in Witchcraft 9. In part 7, Lutz was played by another woman; in 6, Lutz was a man!

Lutz's part in 9 was not terribly big, but she's one of the main stars in this one. Though she's left behind her high heels and short skirts, she still has revealing tops in this one. And this time around she has nude and sex scenes. Beaton is pretty appealing in the role.

As usual, there are a number of sex scenes. An anonymous clubgoer has a fatal threesome with two vampires, the Satanist and head vampire get it on with some kink, Lutz finds an English pal, and Celeste and her boyfriend make love.

The main recurring character of the Witchcraft series, Will Spanner, does not appear in this one, although Lutz mentions him to Bureau 17 agent Dixon in a conversation about vampires. She also phones her partner Detective Garner (parts 6, 7, and 9), though we don't hear his end of the conversation.

Hyde is sprung from jail by a group of vampires led by Raven, for a Walpurgis ritual having something to do with a god named Morsheba (I think). Hyde delivers all of his lines in a very flat manner, while Raven overacts to a campy degree. The fight scenes are terribly choreographed.

The audio in the movie was pretty poorly recorded, and poorly edited. Additionally, some dialogue gets lost under blaring music or sirens. Cinematography isn't great either. Having the movie set in and actually shot in the UK was a bit of a novelty though, at least for this series.

Wendy Cooper is very good as Celeste; attractive, certainly, but more importantly she's easily the best actor in the movie (bad fight scenes notwithstanding). I'm quite surprised her filmography is so small. If there's ever a Witchcraft XIV, and I would bet there will be, they should bring her back, even if it means flying her to California!

Witchcraft X is available on its own, or in the DVD collection Hotter Than Hell along with Witchcraft XI and two unrelated movies.

Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft (1998)

* 1/2 (out of 4)

Detective Lutz (Stephanie Beaton; second straight film) goes to England after a bisexual vampire frees a Satan worshiper from California. Pretty soon dead bodies are coming up everywhere and it's up to everyone's favorite detective to stop it. Yes they're still going and yes they took a minor character from the previous entries and gave her her own film. WITCHCRAFT X is a bad movie, there's no doubt about it but I will give director-writer Elisar Cabrera credit for knowing this. It really does seem like he watched the previous few entries and realized he had nothing to lose so he decided to change things around a bit. The biggest change is that there are more horror elements going on here with the vampires. Not only do we get some neck biting but we also have the highest body count from any of the films in the series up to this point. Sure, the effects suck (no pun) but at least they're something different. The sex/nudity level hasn't really been cut down. At first I thought it had but the director quickly makes up for the lack of skin early on by giving us a three-way (not that kind) dealing with two sex scenes going on at once and another beauty taking a bath. The sex scene between the bisexual vampire and the Satan worshiper was fairly funny and especially the hot wax. The performances are pretty much what you'd expect from a film like this (meaning people are hired for their breast size) but I did find Beaton to be fun to watch (and look at). The biggest problem with the film is that it simply goes on way too long and whatever decent ideas are in the screenplay just get watered down by the extremely long running time. There's also way too much dialogue but this here has happened in all ten films to date.

Once again, the worst actress alive, messes up an even messier flick. How is that possible? Without Eileen Daly, this would just have been bad, but her "acting" plus "story" plus a production team and director with the talent of a vacuum cleaner, makes this about the worst movie ever made, next to Oasis of the Zombies. I normally like low budget, or even no budget, but this is just a waste of time.

Oh, one plus: Some of the chicks have quite nice bodies. That's about it... AVOID!!!