The Russians Are Coming

Poor Harry Reems is accused in IMDb of directing this particularly poor porn film; if so it explains why he was never in demand behind the cameras. THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING takes mediocrity to a new, lower level.

Pointless exercise features the usual gang of NYC troupers, led by Georgina Spelvin and Jeffrey Hurst, hiding behind pseudonyms this time out. Gimmick is that Hurst is presenting three Soviet bigwigs with 3 NYC gals to service them, and the Russians can't speak any English. That dispenses with the need for dialog or even a story, so we are presented with a poorly photographed all-sex outing lasting an hour.

To call this junk tedious is too kind. Hurst joins in the sex action and plays his role nude except for a long tie around his neck, making him appear to be a Harry Reems imitator, or the director's on-screen surrogate. Sort of like Kenneth Branagh playing Woody Allen -not.

Direct sound recording gives us moans & groans and occasional unintelligible snatches of fake-Russian. Since the great actress Spelvin is given no dialog to work with, instead she embarrassingly dances around as if doing ballet or imitating Isadora Duncan, in the nude of course, and it's sad to behold. The makeup department was kind to Andrea True, who looks positively lovely, but is merely here for mechanical sex.

Prettiest gal of the trio is the uninhibited Any Mathieu, who made quite a few porn films around this time (including one directed by Troma's in-denial (about porn) chief honcho Lloyd Kaufman), without making any lasting impression.

After the final series of money shots, film simply ends with the Russians leaving. In a more logical world, this ephemeral movie would have been lost forever and not missed, but thanks to Something Weird it has been reissued on Vol. 91 of the Dragon Art Theatre series.