- Dean Richmond: Deals come and go. Wellman will always be Wellman. But you know what bothers me? I walking down the street and this 8-year old boy says, Look Mommy, there's the Hamster's BITCH!
- Papa Klump: You wanna know what's permanent, Sherman? You know what's permanent? I'll tell you. What me and your momma got. That's permanent. That ain't going no place. You know what I mean? I'll tell you, boy, if you find you a woman that loves you, that really really loves you, you gotta hold onto that Sherman.
- Sherman Klump: Yeah, it's true, Daddy. Yeah, I know I sure do love Denise.
- Papa Klump: Well, then y'all gotta get back together then!
- Sherman Klump: Get back together... Daddy, that's it! Get back together!
- Papa Klump: Yeah! That's right!
- Sherman Klump: If we get back together, then that'll make everything okay!
- Papa Klump: Dynamite! Go and call the girl!
- Sherman Klump: No, not Denise, I'm talking about Buddy!
- Papa Klump: Say what?
- Sherman Klump: If me and Buddy get back together, that'll make everything fine between me and Denise!
- Papa Klump: Hey, you just took the wrong off-ramp!
- Sherman Klump: I can use the youth formula. I'll feed it to Buddy. It'll make him so young. I'll turn him back into Goop. And I ingest it... I eat it! I eat it!
- Papa Klump: Huh? Say what now?
- Sherman Klump: That's it! Daddy, that'll work! I wouldn't have even thought about that. This is fantastic!
- [leaves]
- Papa Klump: What are you gonna eat? Sherman!
- Sherman Klump: Buddy Love, I am SICK, and TIRED, of your S-H...
- Dean Richmond: I.
- Sherman Klump: Thank you. T-E!
- Buddy Love: Oh, ho-ho-ho. My shite?
- Papa Klump: What *I* do in *my* bedroom is *MY* business, you understand that?
- Grandma Klump: The only thing you do in your bedroom is pull the lint off your scrotum!
- [Sherman and Denis are at a screening of the movie "Cape Fear" and someone in front of them is loudly heckling the movie and smoking a cigar... ala "Cape Fear"]
- Denise: What's his problem?
- Sherman Klump: I don't know, but enough is enough. Excuse me, sir. Young man, will you please keep it down just a little bit 'cause we're trying to watch...
- [the figure stands up and turns around, revealing himself to be Buddy Love]
- Buddy Love: Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the theaters!
- [Sherman is terrified]
- Buddy Love: Hello, fat-ass!
- [laughs maniacally]
- Sherman Klump: [taking Denise by the hand and leading her out of the theater] Maybe we should get going. I don't feel too good all of a sudden. Let's go. Come on, let's go somewhere else.
- Denise: Sherman, who was that?
- Sherman Klump: [exiting into the lobby] I don't know. I didn't really get a good look at him.
- [Buddy has already beat them to the lobby]
- Buddy Love: Sherman! Sherman Klump. You've still been hitting those Happy Meals? You haven't changed an *inch*! You remember me? Buddy Love. We used to chase that girl, Carla, at the same time. You ever hit that?
- Sherman Klump: [flustered] Miss Purty and I were just friends.
- Buddy Love: "Just friends". I guess that means you didn't hit it, huh?
- [turns to Denise with interest]
- Buddy Love: Who's your new friend? She sure is fine. Yes, fine. What's your name?
- Denise: [disturbed] Sherman, suddenly I don't feel so well. Can we leave, please?
- Sherman Klump: Yes, let's go, please.
- Buddy Love: Can I talk to Sherman for one second? Then you can have him. One second, please. Excuse us.
- [drags Sherman to the side]
- Buddy Love: Sherman, how you doing, baby?
- Sherman Klump: What do you want here?
- Buddy Love: A little respect.
- [hugs Sherman]
- Buddy Love: You left me all by myself in that test tube without a card or a letter, and now I want a divorce. And this is a community property state, so I want my share.
- Sherman Klump: Want your share of what?
- [Buddy stops and thinks for a minute and claps his hands in realization, as if the idea has just come to him]
- Buddy Love: The youth formula we invented!
- Sherman Klump: You mean, the youth formula that *I* invented. Oh, no way, Buddy, no way.
- Buddy Love: [turning aggressive] Who you growling at, fat boy?
- Sherman Klump: I haven't growled.
- Buddy Love: You growling at me?
- Sherman Klump: I have not growled.
- Buddy Love: I was hoping we could do this like gentlemen.
- Denise: [coming by to take Sherman by the hand] Come on, Sherman.
- Buddy Love: You gonna make me do something nasty to you, Sherman. I'll do something nasty.
- [loudly mocking]
- Buddy Love: Sherman! See you soon, Sherman! Sherman! Sherman!
- Denise: [nearly faints]
- Buddy Love: [catches Denise and picks her up] No, don't hurt yourself, baby. You are coming with Buddy.
- Sherman: [laying on the ground] No! No!
- Buddy Love: See you later, Chunky Butt!
- [Cackles]
- Sherman: No!
- [Sherman is serenading Denise with the assistance of a crap Mexican band]
- Sherman: Denise will you...
- Buddy: Hey Sherman. You hear me Sherman?
- Sherman: ...Denise will ya? Will ya? Let me come up there and put my beef in your taco?
- Mexican band: [singing] Put his beef in your taco!
- Denise: What?
- Sherman: [Buddy cackles, Sherman's conscious comes back] Oh, no! No, no, no...
- [chuckles]
- Sherman: That's not what I meant to say, Denise! That was just a little joke! I just wanted to see if you wanted to go out and get some Mexican food. That's why I said that.
- Denise: Well I am kind of hungry, but I'm not-...
- Sherman: Yeah, you are huh? Yeah, I bet you could stand for a big ol' whopper right now, huh?
- Mexican band: [singing] A big ole whopper right now!
- Denise's Nosy Neighbor: You're sick!
- Sherman: Yeah, I got to tell you, I'm a Jumbo Jack man myself, if you know what I mean. Yeah and I'm loaded with secret sauce! Yeah, come on!
- [Sherman does a perverted dance in front of a shocked Denise, and falls to the ground, sexually humping it]
- Sherman: Bang that thing up! Yeah, come on! Come on! Make it funky!
- Denise's Nosy Neighbor: You're gonna ruin my lawn, you pervert!
- Grandma Klump: Come on Cletus, come on right now! But I'm gonna tell you something, I gotta a razor in this here bag.
- Papa Klump: Oh yeah? Well let me tell you something, that ain't even no bag you got in your hand, that's your titty.
- Mama Klump: Cletus!
- Papa Klump: She's an old bag with old bag tittie.
- Ernie Klump: [quietly to Ernie Jr] Heh, he called Grandma a titty bag.
- Preacher: lf anyone has any reason why these two should not be wed, let him speak now... or forever hold his penis.
- Mama Klump: Oh, Sherman!
- [Shocked at seeing a bulge growing bigger inside of Sherman's pants]
- Papa Klump: That's it, son. Show them what the klumps are made of.
- Mama Klump: Sherman!
- [Claps her hands]
- Mama Klump: put that away!
- Granny Klump: Sherman, calm down, baby. Save it for the honeymoon.
- Buddy: [pops his head out of Sherman's pants] SURPRISE!
- [the wedding guests scream in horror,as Buddy Love cackles with his head sticking out of Sherman's pants and Mama Klump faints]
- Papa Klump: Hey, Sherman, calm down, boy! What's wrong with you ?
- Papa Klump: Well, look what rolled in. You know, at first, I thought you was old-ass Raisinet riding on a skateboard.
- [Him and Ernie Jr. Snicker]
- Granny Klump: I'd like to come over there and choke the life out of you right in front of Jesus.
- Papa Klump: [praying to God] Sweet Lord, give me strength. Don't make me have to whup nobody's ass in this church.
- Granny Klump: [praying to God] Ignore him, Lord. Ignore all his prayers. He ain't nothing, never did nothing. Give him a stroke or something.
- Papa Klump: [to Old Man Willie] Would you *please* put your clothes back on? You'll hurt yourself. You look like a roast chicken!
- Old Willie: [punches Cletus in the face]
- Papa Klump: [feels his face] That was a lucky shot.
- Old Willie: [keeps punching Cletus until causing him to fall into some garbage cans]
- Buddy Love: Forget it fat ass. I ain't going back inside of you.
- [woman grabbed toddler Buddy]
- Buddy Love: Mmm. Got milk?
- [he rips and pulls her shirt down as the woman screams in horror, her bra being exposed.]
- Buddy Love: Ha! Thank you baby.
- Sherman Klump: [breaking into the middle of Buddy's demonstration] Wait, please! I'm sorry to interrupt, ladies and gentlemen! But I cannot go on living unless I have this man inside me right now!
- Dean Richmond: [deadpan] Steady, sailor.
- Granny Klump: You better eat up Isaac, 'cause you gonna need your strength. Yeah, later on, me and Isaac gonna watch "Mating Season on the Serengeti." Doesn't take a lot to get Isaac going
- Papa Klump: Timeout! Let me call a timeout on that
- Mama Klump: Lord, my, my.
- Papa Klump: I don't want to hear about you old-ass geriatrics.
- Granny Klump: Oh, yeah Cletus? Me and Isaac might be dried up geriatrics, but ain't nothing wrong with Isaac'a love tackle.
- [Table falls silent]
- Ernie Klump: Oh snap, now.
- Granny Klump: What's a matter Cletus, cat got your tongue? Did I step on a nerve Cletus? I get ya, got ya, got ya!
- [Isaac, Granny's boyfriend, walks to the dinner table]
- Papa Klump: Well, if it isn't the world's oldest living Negro! Hey how's things going on the Underground Railroad, Isaac?
- Grandma Klump: The other day I got out the shower and I bend down to reach for a towel, and I felt a sharp pain in my chest. Shot through my chest and up around my shoulder and down my spine. I thought "Oh, Lord." I thought I was dying. I bent over and looked, and I was standing on my own titty.
- Chantal: [cackling]
- Mama Klump: You don't need a breast reduction, just be more careful.
- Grandma Klump: Both feet too. Both feet.
- Grandma Klump: Does Cletus know I'm strapped?
- Papa Klump: Come on, shoot.
- Grandma Klump: I'm strapped, nigga!
- Mama Klump: [Answering door] Oh my, goodness! Is there a fire?
- Fireman Stripper: Yes ma'am. I'm afraid there is.
- Mama Klump: I don't smell no smoke.
- [sniffs]
- Fireman Stripper: [Walks in and beings playing music from stereo] There's a fire in my pants, and it's getting muy caliente!
- [begins stripping]
- Party Guest, Party Guest, Bridesmaid, Denise: Ooh!
- [laugh and clap]
- Mama Klump: Ooh! Lord, have mercy! A strip - Oh, my! My mother must've arranged this!
- Papa Klump: What's wrong with you, woman? Don't you wanna be young?
- Mama Klump: No, Cletus, I don't wanna be young! Cletus, we supposed to be who we are and I'm just fine with who I am! But obviously, what you're trying to say is that you're just TIRED of the fat old woman that you got married to!
- Papa Klump: Oh no, Anna, that's not what I'm saying! That's ain't what I'm saying at all, Anna - !
- Mama Klump: [sobbing] Downstairs!
- Papa Klump: Anna, please! Don't baby, I'm just trying to - !
- Mama Klump: I think you better sleep downstairs, Cletus!
- Papa Klump: But I...!
- Mama Klump: Downstairs, Cletus! I don't want to hear it!
- [sobs]
- Mama Klump: Oh, Cletus, I'm so disappointed in you!
- Dean Richmond: Not so fast, pal. I'm not letting you out of my sight until both our names are on that contract. I'm gonna be stuck to you like a giant hampster on my a -... Where you go, I go.
- Jason: You're losing your intelligence, sir.
- Sherman Klump: Yeah, I know. I can't even beat Molly and she's the dumbest hampster we got!
- Jason: Professor? You okay?
- Sherman Klump: Yeah. I just don't wanna hurt her, Jason.
- Jason: Then you won't. Hey, you CAN control Buddy.
- Sherman Klump: You know it's funny how you get used to certain things in life. You get used to being overweight. I know I did. You even get used to people making fun of you. Somewhere along the line, I got used to being alone. And I just don't want to be alone anymore.
- Denise: Sherman you're very special to me.
- Sherman Klump: [laughs, embarrassed and flattered] I didn't think you and I would ever, you know... How can I put it? 'Cos I'm...
- Denise: Big.
- Sherman Klump: Yeah, I was gonna say 'fat,' but 'big' is better.
- Denise: Sherman, that doesn't matter to me. What matters to me is that you're kind and decent. You are the most brilliant man I've ever known. And speaking of which, I shouldn't keep you from your research, so I'll catch up with you later?
- Sherman Klump: Okay, I'll see you soon.
- [she leaves]
- Sherman Klump: [to himself] My goodness.
- Buddy Love: So that's where Sherman's hiding the formula. Klumpville. Chunky town. Big-ass city! Heh heh heh!
- Sherman Klump: [to Denise] I just want to say I'm sorry. I never... never wanted to hurt you. Understand? I thought that if you knew Buddy was a part of me, I thought that you wouldn't have me then.
- Denise: Sherman...
- Sherman Klump: Hear me out... I should've had more faith in you. Should've had more faith in myself. But I...
- Denise: Sherman? Sherman, what's wrong? Sherman!
- Papa Klump: C'mon, can't you hear, son?
- Denise: [persistent] Sherman, look at me! Who am I?
- Sherman Klump: [without memory] Pretty lady!
- Denise: [sobbing] Oh, honey!
- [hugs Sherman]
- Denise: It's going to be okay, I'll take care of you.
- Sherman Klump: [gleefully, at same time] Oh, that's nice! Nice.
- Papa Klump: Come on, let's get the boy home.
- Sherman Klump: Nice lady!
- Grandma Klump: Cletus, have you ever heard of the expression 'mercy hump'?
- Papa Klump: Say what?
- [Chantel laughs loudly]
- Grandma Klump: 'Cause that's what you've been getting all these years - mercy humps.
- Mama Klump: Mama, don't start! Stop it!
- Papa Klump: You outta your goddamn mind. Let me tell you something...
- Chantal: [laughs] He ain't got nothin' but a limp noodle!
- [Anna gasps as Cletus grows offended, Chantel stops laughing]
- Chantal: Oops, sorry.
- Grandma Klump: [to Cletus, laughs] God'll getcha!
- Mama Klump: Cletus!
- [to Chantal and Grandma]
- Mama Klump: Oh, look what you've done! Oh.
- Chantal: Oh... I...
- Papa Klump: You girls are crazy. I'm leaving. I don't believe it.
- [storms out]
- Mama Klump: Oh, Cletus, Cletus, wait! Cletus! Oh, Cletus! Cletus, I only told her 'cause she's got so much experience in sexual matters.
- Papa Klump: [furiously] I ain't nothin' but a big damn joke to you, ain't I, Anna! Why don't you tell the whole world: 'my husband ain't nothin' but a big ol' pile of worthless shit'!
- [Cletus leaves]
- Mama Klump: [sadly] Cletus! Cletus! Oh!
- Buddy Love: [his last words, climbs a fountain as he is dying] Alright, tubby... let's see how long you last... without me...
- [he evaporates on the side]
- [Sherman and Dean look at what's left of Buddy by the fountain]
- Dean Richmond: What - that's it? He's gone?
- [Sherman stutters at a loss for words]
- Dean Richmond: Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-what? Oh, that's marvelous!
- [Sherman continues as they sit by the fountain]
- Dean Richmond: The deal is dead you know that. I've been calling you a moron for years, now you're finally...
- [he stops realizing he said enough]
- Dean Richmond: [leaves] I'll just get a cab.
- Papa Klump: If I want to put a trumpet in my ass and run around this restaurant and blow, then "Hallelujah!Yankee Doodle!" that's my business!
- Papa Klump: [to Ernie Jr. who just belched in a restaurant] Hey, look, your grandpa ate a whole plate of beans before we came down here, you don't see me sitting here doing the old butt trumpet, do you?
- Sherman Klump: Um, sir, if it makes you feel any better, Petey is back to normal and feeling just fine.
- Dean Richmond: Oh yeah? D'YOU THINK HE'LL CALL?
- Sherman Klump: Dean, I just want to tell you, I'm - I'm sorry...
- Dean Richmond: STOP... SPEAKING!
- Sherman Klump: I just want to go on record as saying that -
- [muttering]
- Dean Richmond: Shh, shh, shh. Shh, shh, shh. I've been looking forward to saying something to you for years. And here it is: You're FAT!
- [chuckles]
- Dean Richmond: And dumb...!
- [Denise enters the room]
- Dean Richmond: ...and fired.
- [Dean Richmond leaves]
- Papa Klump: [after Denise finds out about Buddy Love] What's going on with you, Sherman and Buddy, some kind of menage a trois or something?
- [Sherman's intelligence continues to deteriorate as he and Dean Richmond chase after the decomposing Buddy]
- Dean Richmond: What? What?
- Sherman Klump: Don't feel right. Starting to feel a little light-headed.
- Dean Richmond: If you quit now, you're gonna be empty-headed! Come on, Klump, let's get him.
- Mama Klump: l always knew he'd find the right girl. Always knew. You see the Indian in her cheekbones ? Ooh ! Sherman, Sherman. Sherman.
- [Claps her hands]
- Mama Klump: Sherman, Sherman, Sherman. Sherman ! Oh, Lord.
- Granny Klump: Shhh.
- [whispers]
- Granny Klump: Stop acting so stupid.
- [Buddy who is now a blue liquid with his consciousness is stuck on a black woman's rear end; Richmond and Sherman see him]
- Dean Richmond: Follow that ass.
- Ernie Klump: [reaches for Denise's food across the buffet table]
- Denise: [slaps Ernie's hand] You reach over here again, you gonna pull back a nub.
- Old Willie: [to Cletus] Get away from my woman.
- Claudine: [to Old Willie] Mind your own business, Willie!
- Mama Klump: [clapping her hands] Sherman and Denise! Sherman and Denise! Marriage! Marriage! Marriage! Marriage!
- Mama Klump: Oh, is this supposed to be that hard?
- Chantal: [holds a mirror] Yeah, let it set a while. Don't worry if it burns a little bit, that's natural.
- Mama Klump: All right. You're the expert, Chantal. Work your magic, girl, because Denise's mother's coming to this bachelorette party and if she's as stunning as Denise, I got to be sparkling.
- Chantal: Honey, you gonna blind their asses! When you walk in that door, they gonna think you Tyra Banks!
- [Mama Klump and Granny Klump laugh hysterically]
- Chantal: Oh, did I tell you the news? Leon got one of them penis pumps.
- Granny Klump: Penis pumps? What he do with it?
- Chantal: I don't know. It's supposed to pump it up or something.
- Mama Klump: Does it work?
- Chantal: Just on the tip. Now that thing look like a Portobello Mushroom.
- [She and Mama Klump laugh]
- [from extended cut]
- Granny Klump: [while observing Dean Richmond getting raped by Petey the giant hamster] That sodomy. That's REAL sodomy.
- [from extended cut]
- Granny Klump: [after stripping herself naked in front of Buddy] Ooh, you got me wetter than a Slip-n-Slide!