The Final Sacrifice

Here it is, folks, a movie that is one hundred percent "deus ex machina." Roger Ebert speaks of the Idiot Plot, or a story that goes on because the characters are too stupid to resolve it. "Quest of the Lost City/The Final Sacrifice" (pick your poison) goes one better: the characters are too stupid to keep the plot moving, but it does anyway through sheer coincidence and dumb luck.

So we've got this scrawny kid named Troy, who as our story begins is rummaging through some junk his late father left behind (Dad, we learned in the pre-credit sequence, got shot seven years ago by a group of thugs in ski masks). Troy uncovers what someone on the production design team thought looked like a mysterious and ancient map. No sooner does he locate the map than the ski-mask thugs break into his house and demand it, having apparently taken seven years to accomplish the rather simple task of finding the dead guy's address and/or family. The thugs are led by a pale guy named Satoris. Satoris wears black and speaks in a deep voice. Presumably this makes him scary; in truth it makes him look like Professor Snape's third cousin and sound like a bad Darth Vader impersonator.

Troy elludes the thugs by hopping into the back of a rusty pickup truck, driven by the boozy and bitter Zap Rowsdower. (Why is he named Zap Rowsdower? My guess is the writer was going for a cool, memorable name like "Indiana Jones" and failed miserably.) Rowsdower happens to know a lot about the thugs (a cult bent on world domination, we are informed), having been one of their number some years back. Apparently, if you are being pursued by a cult and jump into the back of a random vehicle, odds are pretty good that the driver of the vehicle will be a former member of the cult, whose seeming reluctance to help you will conceal a real empathy for your plight.

So Troy and Rowsdower flee the cultists, until Rowsdower's truck unsurprisingly breaks down, thus ending their journey. BUT WAIT! Troy goes off in search for water, and in his random trek comes across a distinct rock formation. The rock formation is on the map! Rowsdower's truck must have read the script, since it conveniently broke down within an easy walking distance of one of the map's landmarks. There's also a tunnel with a copy of the map painted on one of the walls (why don't the cultists just look there?), and a translation guide belonging to Troy's father (which has held up pretty well despite seven years in a damp tunnel). But they can't stay to linger, since the cult has finally caught up with them, so it's off to another chase sequence.

Zap and Troy hide out in a weathered cabin, elluding the cultists and ending the chase. BUT WAIT! The owner of the cabin is none other than Troy's dad's old partner Mike Pipper, hiding in the wilderness from the cult these seven years (cue dramatic music). Pipper looks like a very seedy Jim Henson, and talks like a cross between Yosemite Sam and (speaking of Henson) the "News Flash" guy from the Muppet Show. He also provides more backstory on the cult, who are survivors of a race called the Ziox. Apparently the Ziox started worshipping an evil idol and were punished by having their city sink into the earth, proving that the Ziox have read up on "Great Flood" archetypes and the myth of Atlantis. Satoris wants to sacrifice someone to the idol in order to become invincible, despite Pipper's assertion that the idol isn't located where the map says it is. Pipper also drops a warning in Troy's ear about Zap: "He was with Satoris the night your father was killed." Troy's so shocked he doesn't even bother to ask how Pipper knows this, since a) all the cultists wear ski masks and b) nobody else was around when it happened.

So, somehow Satoris manages to kidnap Troy and take him to the location of the lost city--proving that he did not need the map at all, despite breaking in Troy's door earlier--where the idol waits, having eluded Pipper's searches. (I'm guessing Satoris carts the idol around with him, keeping it in a storage locker in between rituals) Rowsdower pursues, there's a fight, Satoris is killed (don't ask me how) and the Ziox city pops up out of the ground. And all ends well, except for Troy's aunt and caretaker who didn't know about any of this and had a heart attack when she came home to find her house trashed and her nephew missing. Well, maybe not. But it could have happened.

One final note: This film was made in Canada, but I cannot bring myself to ridicule my neighbors to the north because of it. After all, one who lives in a country which has produced "Battlefield Earth" should not throw stones.

OK, hands down, The Final Sacrifice is the best Mystery Science Theater 3000 episode. I'm still laughing every time I think of this movie, it's just, how do movies like this get green lighted? Or did the director ever stop and wonder if he was making a good movie? The acting and characters were just so unintentionally laughable, it's insane. I can't believe they gave the "hero" a name like Zap Rasdower, that's such a stupid name, but it made for a good laugh, that's for sure. The kid, Troy, looked like such a Lord of the Rings type of dork(no offense to the LOTR fans, it's cool that you like it)that you couldn't help but wanna get inside the film and knock the books out of his hands. The villain or Canadian villain Garth Vador had this ridicules voice, and were did Mike Piper get his voice? Was Yo Sammity Sam like his inspiration? This is just such a ridicules story.

Troy is looking for who caused the death of his father, he finds a map that is supposed to lead him to a lost world. But this cult lead by Garth Vador is after him and wants him dead and wants the map, but Troy outsmarts them by getting on his ten speed bike to out run them. He gets off his bike and hitches a ride with Zap Rowsdower and together they go to find out what this is all about and why Troy's father died. Maybe they can also find out why Rowswer is a... hopeless drunk.

The Final Sacrifice is one of those movies you'll never believe got made, it's just so laughable. I highly recommend the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version, it's just beyond funny, I loved every moment in that episode. But I hope the director watched that episode because I wanna see a Zap and Troy spin off, that would be an awesome show with an occasional guest appearance of Mike Pipper. I smell the Emmy's coming for best new show, lol.

1/10

As far as abysmally crappy movies go, The Final Sacrifice isn't so bad. Sure, it's technically inept in just about every way, features horrible dialogue, and doesn't have a character in the entire film with a realistic name (the fact that the director signs his checks "Tjardus Greidanus" goes a long way towards explaining this phenomena), but it's got something most films in its class lack: heart. I'd say Greidanus is akin to the famous Ed Wood, in that he shows not a shred of talent but at least seemed to believe in what he did. Rather than slapping a recycled costume on an assistant director and creating yet another lame, lousy creature feature with an insipid story, he tried to create something original, new, and interesting. He failed miserably, but at least he tried.

The plot revolves around a pre-Internet nerd named Troy, who, apparently, spends his time digging stuff out of the attic that relates to his father's death somehow, stares at it for a while, and then gives up on figuring out what happened and just puts it all away again. He lucks out when a ski-masked cult randomly decides to come looking for a map that leads to a lost city, even though they could have come any time in the seven years prior but for some reason decided to let him grow old enough to somehow thwart their entire incompetent organization with the help of a beer-guzzling, mullet-endowed drifter...but I get ahead of myself.

So anyway, Troy is forced to go outside the house for the first time in a decade and somehow winds up in the truck bed of the aforementioned drifter, who manages to deliver his name, Zap Rowsdower, with a straight face. Even the nerdy kid understands how embarrassing it is to call a grown man "Zap," so he (repeatedly) refers to him as "Rowsthdower," which isn't really much of an improvement. Anyhow, some other stuff happens, involving a gray-bearded, oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-people-like-this-actually-exist-type character named Mike Pipper, who explains some less-than-interesting exposition explaining what they're up against and what's at stake--the world, of course! After looking thoroughly unconcerned, our heroes, though they couldn't pool together enough mental resources to open a can of tuna (though Rowsdower has a lot of experience opening cans...of beer...), find a way to overthrow the muscleheaded cult, defeat the villainous Satoris (a man with a voice deeper than the lead singer of Type O Negative), knock over a pole, raise the lost cardboard miniature of Ziox, and save all of Canada, acting like it's some sort of major accomplishment all the while. The movie ends with an inspiring shot of Troy and Zap in the Zapmobile, going somewhere for some reason. My bet is that it involved beer and cheese.

as bad if not worse than "overdrawn at the memory bank." There's no hero like Zap rowsdower. In fact there's no hero. No plot either. The ending where Zap looks at his tattoo and it is gone for no apparent reason is great !!!!

This infamous movie will forever hold a place in my heart. It follows the tragic story of a young boy, apparently spawned from the loins of a young Dan Dierdorf and a Ferengi, trying to find his way to treasure in a world of masked sadists, beer-stinking mullets and too-tight red sweaters. Pursued by the all-too-easy-to-kill Satoris, our adolescent protagonist, Troy, must fight through all sorts of challenges placed in his way. From broken down trucks to acid wash jeans, Troy overcomes. His hero sidekick (are you ready for this?), Zap Rowsdower...hang on, I need a moment...OK...is the hops and barely fueled muscle in Troy's fight against evil. Zap Rowsdower is the cinematic equivalent of George W. Bush. He reminds us that truly ANYONE can be a hero. Even beer swilling morons. Finally, the 'bad guy', Satoris, is apparently evil because he has a big face, wears a black trench coat, has a deep voice and waves a cane around in the woods. Sure, whatever you say, Canada.

The plot to this movie isn't really important. You'll probably find it in the same place the Ziox buried their lost city. The real fun behind this Great Northern catastrophe is the characters. From Yosemetie Sam to Zap himself, this movie is completely engrossing. I felt pulled into their lives. And it smelled a lot like back bacon.

Now I know that most everyone has seen this movie only because of the comedy genius of MST3K, or Mistie to the loyal masses. However, I sincerely believe that this film can be enjoyed without the commentary by anyone with a sense of humor. You cannot last this entire film, in its unbridled, unmistied glory without busting a gut.

As an MST, this film is in my top 5 (I am a huge MST fan), but it is one of the few that is easy to watch even without our be-silhouetted trio. From mullets and beer cans to Troy's horribly frightening visage, this film will take you on a journey through the north. You will fight men who wear tank tops in the snow, the ancient traps of the Ziox, a large man with a stick and your own gag reflex. This movie comes highly recommended without MST. With MST, it is simply a must see for anyone who loves to laugh so hard you need to wear adult diapers.

2/10 for the movie, but a hefty 9/10 for the masochists who love MST! ~Aaron