- Anton: Hey, I didn't kill anyone on purpose, okay?
- Mick: Yeah, well, we weren't in hell! I mean, there was this bright white light at the end of a long tunnel, right, and there was these chicks' voices, and that music...
- Anton: Music?
- Pnub: Yeah, kinda uncool music, like, Enya. And these chicks' voices, they were saying, "come to us, come towards the light".
- Anton: So what happened?
- Mick: We figured, fuck it, I mean, it was really far!
- Mick: [holding an electric carving knife] Look at me! Look at me! I'm Leatherface!
- Pnub: Maybe we should clean that up.
- Mick: Yeah, and while we're at it, let's just clean the whole fuckin' house.
- Pnub: As usual, marijuana saves an otherwise disastrous day.
- Pnub: Don't you watch the news?
- Anton: I hate that fucking show.
- [last lines]
- Mick: Hey, you were right. Anton does scream like a girl!
- Pnub: You think we should tell him that we put that writing on the ceiling?
- Mick: Fuck it!
- Pnub: Hey, let's go walk through a nurse!
- Mick: Okay, but be careful. Some of them are guys.
- Anton: You lied to me!
- Mick: You killed me, let's try to keep this thing in perspective here!
- Anton: What the fuck are you doing, man? Come on, that's my dad!
- Pnub: CPR, man! I saw it on Baywatch, man!
- Pnub: Why would we go to hell? We're not bad, we're not exactly good or anything, but at least we don't go around killing people!
- Anton: [Hears moaning coming from Mick's grave] Mick?
- Mick: Over here. Anton, help me. Come on, man, I can't breathe down here. Anton? Anton, can you hear me?
- Anton: [Kneels and leans over Mick's grave] Mick?
- Mick: Yeah man, it's Mick.
- Anton: You're dead!
- Mick: No I'm not! You conked me on the head pretty good. I must've been unconcious.
- Anton: You think?
- Mick: I know fucker, now dig me up!
- Pnub: [after finding Curtis and his date dead in his car] What a waste.
- Mick: I thought you didn't like Curtis.
- Pnub: I'm talkin' about that ass!
- Mick: Well, at least he died happy.
- Debi: My work here is done. Time for the ritualistic sex!
- Debi: There is evil out there, and I'm gonna kick its ass!
- Mick: I'm gonna go call 911. What's the number?
- Mick: SWEET JESUS!
- Pnub: Ok, that wasn't my fault, that thing should've come down a LOT slower!
- [after seeing the message on the ceiling]
- Dad Tobias: It's just a prank
- [clicks off flashlight]
- Dad Tobias: Anton.
- Mom Tobias: Anton? Our little scooter would never do something like that!
- Dad Tobias: Quit calling him that baby name. Anton would not scoot his behind off the couch if the house was on fire!
- Anton: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today because you're all dead... and it's all my fault. Mom, Dad, you fed me, kept a roof over my head until I killed you. Which I guess doesn't make me a very good son. But, I'm gonna try to change.
- [hand twitches]
- Anton: Mick, Pnub I'll never forget all those times we sat around, watched TV and got really, really stoned. And all those other times we just... well I guess that's all we did.
- [picks flowers from garden and throws them over the 'graves']
- Anton: Amen.
- Mick: Anton it's killing me to see me to see you this stressed out man. You cut off your hand in the interest of who knows how many others. So, what I want you to do is take a little Anton time. Okay just relax, kick back my man.
- Anton: No, no, no, you know what? Not this time. Okay I'm through with that, I mean all I do is I sit around all day I veg out, I watch TV, I smoke pot...
- Mick: No, no, no, no Kevin Costner speeches okay? Let's just go.
- Pnub: This ain't Dominos you lazy bitch, come get it yourself!
- Mick: It's Mighty Joe bong!
- [after the anticlimactic destruction of the hand]
- Mick: That's it? That's it? No explosions, no hellfire, no -
- [screeches demonically]
- Mick: I mean, no, I'm glad everybody's all right, but... that was weak.
- Pnub: [Anton, Mick and Pnub, find that the 'killer' has written the word 'ANT' on the floor in blood after finding the corpses of Anton's parents] "Ant?" They-they were killed by ants?
- Mick: [annoyed] Please don't be stupid.
- [to Anton]
- Mick: Do you have, like, an evil aunt?
- Anton: Who's your daddy now, bitch, huh? Who's your fucking daddy now?
- Mick: That is some one-hit shit.
- Anton: So, what are you guys doing here?
- Pnub: We need a place to kick it. Don't be selfish, Anton! No one else's parents are dead!
- Anton: [while attempting to cut his hand off] This is it, I know it.
- Pnub: Those things won't even cut my bagel.
- Anton: Everybody go home, there's a psycho killer here! I cut off my hand, and now it's gonna kill you all!
- Tanya: No, screw him! I mean, he'll be fine.
- Tanya: I feel just awful the way I treated them while they were alive. Like this one time... they asked me if I would like to go on a double date. They didn't want me to bring a girlfriend. They just wanted me and the two of them... together. A sort of threesome. I thought they were 'tards or something...
- [starts crying]
- Tanya: So... I told them to go blow each other.
- Randy: Wow! Did they?
- Mick: [to 911 operator] There is something wrong with my friend, I think he smoked some nutmeg or something.
- Pnub: And if your mother had teeth, she wouldn't suck dick so well. What's your point?"
- [Anton is about to chop off his 'evil' right hand]
- Mick: Wait a minute. If you chop off your right hand, how are you going to chop the other one off?
- Anton: Oh no, man, the lefty's a keeper. I mean, I guess it wasn't idle enough.
- Mick: Really?
- Anton: Oh yeah, I mean, I hit the remote with it, light up with it, relieve a little tension. No, this is the answer.
- Mick: Yeah, I was a little bitter about the getting killed by my best friend thing, but I've had time to get over it.
- Anton: All I do is sit around all day, smoke pot, watch TV...
- Mick: No, no! No Kevin Costner speech, let's just go!
- Randy: Idle hands are the devil's playground.
- Pnub: Watch the head. It's on kinda loose.
- Anton: [after cutting his hand off] Where did it go?
- Pnub: What, you mean the hand?
- Anton: Of course I mean the hand!
- Pnub: Try looking up your ass.
- Mick: OK,I'm not going through all this Tanya.
- Tanya: [Molly and Tanya are dancing to The Ramone's song "I Wanna Be Sedated' that is being performed by The Offspring] Molly! What's bugging you?
- Molly: Just thinkin'.
- Tanya: And I know who about!
- Molly: Just thought he'd be here by now.
- Tanya: He'll be here. I'm gonna go get some punch. You want some?
- [Molly nods 'yes']
- Tanya: Kay, I'll be right back.
- Pnub: Hey, don't forget my bong.
- Mick: You did not make that bong.
- Pnub: Yeah, I arc-welded it and shit.
- Mick: You don't even take auto shop.
- Pnub: Fuck you!
- Pnub: Why don't you just go over there and tell her your name. Maybe she'll think you're... funny or something.
- Mick: Let's go walk through a nurse.
- Anton: [singing] Devil girl, with nothin' to lose, she's got wind in her hair and gum on her sho-o-o-es!
- Anton: We're gathered here today... um... because you're all dead.
- [Molly's dress rips revealing her underwear]
- Pnub: Bet she wins best costume.
- Mick: Hey, you're right, Anton screams like a girl.
- Randy: Oh man, I cannot believe you cock-blocked me like that. I thought we were buds!
- Girl outside Burger Jungle: Like this one time they asked me to go on a double date, and I thought they were 'tards or something...
- [starts crying]
- Girl outside Burger Jungle: ... so I told them to go blow each other.
- Randy: Wow! Did they?
- Pnub: You scream like a girl.
- Pnub: [while Mick is clapping] Go go Buffalo!
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