- Kyle: We're guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich for the same reason we rip on Butters for being wimpy.
- Stan: And we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.
- Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy. And Cartman for being fat. And Cartman for being stupid. And Cartman for having a whore for a mom. And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.
- Cartman: Hey. You did me already.
- Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm big-boned.
- Stan: No, Jay Leno's chin is big-boned. You are a big fat ass.
- Stan: [with a sigh, calmly] Oh, my God, we killed Kenny.
- Kyle: [shouts] We killed Kenny?
- Stan: Yup. We're bastards.
- Tweek: But what if I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
- Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?
- Man #1: [after a crowd tramples Kenny] Oh my God, I found a penny.
- Man #2: You bastard.
- Stan: Jimmy, will you go talk to Wendy for me?
- Jimmy: F-F-for wh-what?
- Stan: Just go talk to her, and be poetic. Tell her she's my muse. No, tell her... tell her... she's a continuing source of inspiration to me.
- Jimmy: She's what?
- Stan: She's a continuing source of inspiration to me.
- Jimmy: Okay. Hey, W- Hey, Wendy.
- Wendy: Yeah?
- Jimmy: Stan says you're a cont... you're a cont... Stan says you're a cont- cont...
- [sounds like "cunt"]
- Wendy: Well, tell Stan to fuck off!
- [walks away]
- Jimmy: [continues] ... cont... You're a continuing source of inspiration to him.
- Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
- Mrs. Crabtree: [shouting] What did you say?
- Stan: I said, "We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch."
- Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.
- Kyle: Whoa, dude.
- Stan: I always wondered if that would work.
- Cartman: Why don't we all sing, "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch" in D-minor?
- Priest Maxi: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
- Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
- Priest Maxi: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
- Kyle: I guess not.
- Cartman: Don't worry, Tweek. Your family can go on welfare. Kenny's family's on welfare and they're happy, isn't that right, Kenny?
- Kenny: [muffled] Fuck you.
- Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.
- Stan: Oh my god. Jay Leno's chin killed Kenny.
- Kyle: You bastard.
- Jay Leno: Ah, who cares? He dies every episode.
- Kenny: And what I think, basically, is that when you let what you watch be under your parents' control, television sucks. Television sucks because parents get offended because they rely on television as a babysitter for their kids.
- Stan: Totally, dude.
- Kyle: Good point, man.
- Cartman: Naw dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
- Newscaster Ned: If irony was made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
- Garrison: You go to hell. You go to hell and you die.
- MTV announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, 12-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now MTV News. The News that is single-handedly dumbing-down our country, which is cool.
- Cartman: I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now!
- Butters: Uh oh.
- [He slowly backs away from Cartman in fear]
- Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm festively plump.
- Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said... this week.
- Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.
- Stan: Jesus, Cartman.
- Cartman: Well, I'm just sayn', man, seriously, don't mess with kitty, man.
- Stan: Wow, cartoons are getting really dirty.
- Cartman: Butters, remind me to cut your balls off later.
- Fat Abbot: Hey! Hey! Hey! What's goin' on Rudy?
- Rudy: Man, Fat Abbot, you need to lose weight!
- Fat Abbot: I lose weight when I feel like it, bitch! Shut your bitch-ass mouth, ho!
- Rudy: Bitch, I'll kick yo' ass!
- Fat Abbot: You think you slick, you punk ass blasphemous dope fiend bitch! I had my jimmy whacked 7 times last week, I'll bust a cap in your mother fuckin' ass.
- [repeated line]
- Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
- Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [Butters is holding a Barbie doll] "Hey there, Butters, wanna slap my titties around?" Uh, no thanks, ma'am. I might get in trouble again.
- [he puts the doll away and begins whistling]
- [repeated line]
- City Wok Owner: Welcome to Shitty Wok!
- [meant as City Wok]
- [gay and straight protesters get a hearing from the Governor of South Park on gay marriage]
- Governor: I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy! People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted. So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else?
- [everyone listens quietly]
- Governor: You homosexuals will have all the exact same rights as married couples, but, instead of referring to you as "married", you can be... butt buddies.
- [long silence]
- Governor: Instead of being "man and wife", you'll be... butt buddies. You won't be "betrothed", you'll be...
- [makes quote with his fingers]
- Governor: ... butt buddies. Get it? Instead of a "bride and groom", you'd be...
- [makes quote with his fingers again]
- Governor: ... butt buddies.
- Mr. Slave: We wanna be treated equally!
- Governor: You *are* equal. It's just that, instead of getting engaged, you would be... butt buddies. And everyone is happy!
- Woman: [from the lesbian crowd] Well, what about lesbians?
- Governor: Well, like anyone cares about fuckin' dykes!
- [the crowd goes into an uproar]
- Governor: [embarrassed] Oh, God, I was sure that would work.
- Stan: Oh my god! They killed Kenny.
- Kyle: [unenthusiastically] You bastard.
- Cartman: ...my mom lied to me just like your parents lied to you and now we're poor like Kenny's family
- [Kenny walks over to comfort Cartman]
- Cartman: Don't touch me Kenny.
- Chef: James Taylor, what the hell are you doing singing about prostitutes to these children? Get outta here!
- Mrs. Marsh: Hello, Mrs. Brovlowski, this is Stan's mom. I was wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick.
- Stan: Aaaah. I have to get it out.
- Butters: I don't want to do it if it hurts or if it makes you get all sticky.
- Butters: This is just like Vietnam, huh fellas? Whoopee!
- Cartman: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.
- Cartman: Oh, look what I did with Kyle's money. I had it changed into singles so I could roll around in it like this. Oh, Kyle's money.
- Kyle: All animals kill, and the animals that don't kill are stupid ones like cows and turtles and stuff.
- [repeated line]
- Cartman: Butters, what the hell are you doing?
- Mr. Slave: Oh. I never should have shoved all those poor animals up my ass.
- Cartman: The rest of you go get the goods on Stan. His mom grounded him once for setting something on fire. Let's find out what that something was and then lie and say it was a puppy.
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