Sub Down

This movie is just silly. I can't believe it took 3 people to write this. It seems like it was written by an 8th grader who had to turn in a paper for homework at the last minute. The external underwater shots look pretty cool, but otherwise the sets are super-cheesy, they look like they were made in someone's backyard. Bad script, bad acting, bad sets, bad bad bad. But when the director bails from his own movie what do you expect. After seeing this movie, I wouldn't ride with Stephen Baldwin in a golf cart, let alone a submarine. Side note: for some reason, this movie is shown on the USA network under the name "Submerged", which is actually a totally different (and better) movie.

This film was a gagger. Why is it that the sailors here seem to be helpless? And the technical details; they must have been filmed like this for laughs. Green reactor coolant? A man dying from radiation exposure due to a coolant leak? Give me a break!

... They want you as a new recruit

And if that Village People anthem didn`t get you to sign up to join the navy what chance has SUB DOWN ? No chance really

There`s rather a lot of problems with this movie . One is having Stephen Baldwin as an action hero . Personally speaking I think Mike Baldwin from CORONATION STREET has a better than even chance of becoming an action hero , and according to folklore it`s bad luck to have a woman on a boat . Considering she`s played by Gabrielle Anwar that`s bad luck for the entire movie too not to mention the audience

But the thing that annoyed me was the script . Check this out : A trio of environmentalists get a trip on a nuclear submarine . The submarine crashes and the environmentalists have to save the day . Yeah I`m sure the US navy are so overjoyed about being asked that they`re going to allow a bunch of greenies on their ship , ( I`m sure the Pentagon have been overwhelmed by Greenpeace members asking if they can go to Iraq to do research into depleted uranuim ) though to be fair there`s a lot of environmentalists who`d like to be stuck on a sub with a lot of sex starved sailors , none of whom are female .

Oh and the script is terribly slow , it`s about a third of the way through before anything actually happens and until it does we have to put up with lots of techno-babble which will be of absolute no interest to anybody . It shows you how bad a movie is when you start wishing both a bunch of terrorists AND Steven Seagal would turn up to enliven the scenes

SUB DOWN is one of those movies that`s credited as having Alan Smithee as director ( ie the director didn`t want his real name to be listed ) but the director here can be forgiven for the most part since it`s obvious the budget - Like the script - wasn`t up to much , so the relatively unspectacular crash doesn`t deserve a tirade of criticism . The only thing the director can be blamed for ( Apart from casting Baldwin and Anwar - That goes without saying ) is a scene where a torpedo works loose and slides towards a sailor`s head , unfortunately the shot cuts away before you see his head get squashed . Oh well . I do congratulate the director for including a really funky tune in the opening credits because if it wasn`t for that I might have given SUB DOWN one out of ten but I`ll give the movie two out of ten

The filmmakers apparently made no effort to maintain even the lowest acceptable level of technical/scientific/logical consistency. It was never explained convincingly why the crew abandoned the conn (was it the gas leak? if so, why didn't they put their gas masks on?) effectively losing all control over their boat and fate, the procedures presented are way off the mark, the exhausted, asphyxiated crewmen find the energy (and the oxygen!) to cheer at the end, the conning tower diving planes have miraculously broken through the ice without leaving any trace (they are much wider than the trough opened by the sub), etc., etc. A waste of time and money, both for the makers and the viewers. Only thing worth it is Gabrielle Anwar (mainly because she is very agreeable to look at).

The story of this film is almost unbelievable silly. The factual errors which even I have recognized are not acceptable (e.g. Russian submarine turning just around(suddenly "switches" direction on the "sonar"). I have really enjoyed watching it in a laughing way. And something for trivia: Kevin Connollies girlfriend (only shown very short in the beginning) is Nikki Cox. Both play brother and sister in "Unhappily Ever After". Just wanted to say it.