Mission Scorpio One

This is, by far, and without a doubt, the absolute worst movie I have ever seen. Utterly devoid of any plot, acting talent or, dare I say, a script. It is horrible to a degree unknown in modern filmaking. For the love of humanity, if you value all that is good and right with the world, please do not see this, not even at 3am for free.

Scorpio One is one of 58 films produced by Royal Oak Entertainment between 1995 and 2004. The shingle, which specialized in direct-to-television-and-video productions (Scorpio One, and its doppelganger, Fallout, debuted on the pre-"Ys" Sci-Fi Channel) was co-founded by Ashok Amritraj and Andrew Stevens.

Stevens, a former actor you know headlining films such as Massacre at Central High (1976) and The Fury (1978), also operated Franchise Pictures with Amritaj from 1997 to 2007. Specializing in theatrical features distributed by Warner Brothers, Franchise's best-known film was their fourth feature, The Boondock Saints (2000). The critical and box office failure of several features, most notably Battlefield Earth (2000), 3000 Miles to Graceland (2001), and A Sound of Thunder (2005), bankrupt the studio; Battlefield Earth delving into a lengthy court battle over fraud was the final nail in the coffin for Franchise.

Upon review of Royal Oaks' lower-budgeted library, an astute film buff will notice the shingle specialized mostly in action-thriller knockoffs of the Die Hard/Speed variety that were set in space, underground and underseas labs, space bunkers, or submarines. Then there are those Basic Instinct-inspired erotic thrillers made for Showtime and a smattering of family-oriented films for HBO. One will also notice a recurring stable of acting, writing, and directing talents across these films, most notably, directors Fred Olen Ray, Andrew Stevens, Damien Lee, and Worth Keeter (who directs Scorpio One), and Rodney McDonald (who directs 1999's Fallout).

As with Roger Corman's New World Pictures before them -- who supplied stock footage from Battle Beyond the Stars to Fred Olen Ray Ray's Droid Gunner (1995; aka Cyberzone*) that served Royal Oaks' first production -- all of Scorpio One's effects shots are repurposed in Fallout (or is that Fallout in Scorpio One?). In fact: the scripts -- as well as few similarly-framed shots; both have character-similar, balding astronaut henchman -- are similar. Yes, while all of Royal Oaks' action thrillers are inversions of Die Hard and Speed (itself an inversion of Die Hard), the raison d'etre for both films is the Bruce Willis-fronted Armageddon (1998), and to a lesser extent, its same-year doppelganger, Deep Impact.

In the production-solid, but still weaker Fallout -- which additionally clips from Space Cowboys (not released until 2000, but announced in 1998) -- Stephen Baldwin stops a Russian terrorist takeover of an orbiting weapons platform armed with weaponized satellites. Yeah, like Snake Plissken before him: Baldwin's troubled Hendricks is the only man who can fly the experimental space plane to save the day (a space plane that reminds of 1969's Marooned and Gerry Anderson's Journey to the Far Side of the Sun).

In Scorpio One, the film's space station namesake serves as a United Nations-funded bio-lab where a new form of Cold Fusion (ugh, not that '90s junk science trope; why not turn water into fuel, while you're at it) is stolen by Russian-fronted terrorists and NASA traitors-for-cash.

Yeah, as with Snake Plissken before him with that mission critical Kraco-brand cassette tape: Jeff Speakman's Jared Stone has to retrieve that mission-critical 3 1/2-inch floopy -- in the year of 1998 (this all happens present-day, by the way) when floppies were out and re-writable CDs were the new tech. Okay, so the floppy didn't officially die until 2011; but the whole kitten caboodle for Cold Fusion on one floppy? Oh, and Stone makes it back to Earth on an "Apollo 20" capsule-cum-lifeboat, so enjoy the junk-science implausible!

Sure, while we can agree the proceedings are a bit talky and slow-moving, Scorpio One is certainly not the "worse (sci-fi) movie ever made" -- and if you've seen The Phantom Menace-rip known as Starforce (2000)*, or the BSG: TOS stock-shot blunder known as Space Munity (1988), or Alfonzo Brecsia's Italian-made Battle of the Stars (1980)*, you'll agree.

What makes Scorpio One enjoyable over those dogs -- and a WIN over the similar Fallout, for me -- is the who's who character-actor cast. Speakman and Brent Huff (Nine Deaths of the Ninja!) do what they do best as hero against villain, but we wished Robert Carradine were in either role instead as an underused support as a NASA good guy. Then there's Steve Kanaly (our always-drinking-coffee senior officer; there's a LOT of coffee drinking goings-on), George Murdock (our crusty-intrepid CIA director), Judith Chapman (a kick ass CIA Agent), the always villainous Lance DeGault (our corrupt senator out to steal the secret formula), and Micheal Monks (a traitorous astronaut: he always reminds of the Monkees' Peter Tork; he still rocking in 2023 on indie films and TV series) always on-point, as their usual. Oh, yeah! Don't forget the always-welcomed Robin Curtis from Star Trek III: The Search for Spock is in the mix!

While Scorpio One and Fallout share exterior and effects shots, they, thankfully, do not share the same interior sets -- both which are effectively assembled on-a-budget by Steve Ralph. Cinematographer Doyle Smith (whose resume dates to the later-popular VHS renter, 1977's Scalpel) ups the game with his lighting choices in the cinematography department; he leaves it all looking way better on camera than it probably is.

Sure, the interiors of Scorpio One ain't the Nostromo and Worth Keeter (a warhorse who started his career with a slew of prolific, '70s drive-in flicks for Earl Owensby) ain't no Ridley Scott. Sure, Scorpio One isn't as doppelganger-charming as the Alien ripoffness of William Malone's Creature (1985), the Hayes Brothers' Dark Side of the Moon (1990), or the Micheal Pare-fronted Moon 44 (1990). Even though Scorpio One is a little flat in the acting and Die Hardesque scripting, the proceeding are way better than the plot-similar Sleeping Dogs (1998; interstellar jewel thieves) starring C. Thomas Howell and the Michael Pare-fronted Falling Fire (1997; asteroid mining -- uh, huh -- gone awry; made by, yes, Roger Corman!).

Considering their back-to-back production and release schedules -- in addition to the interior designs of corridors and hatches on both space stations in Scorpio One and Fallout, if you take the time to watch the rest of Royal Oaks' sci-fi oeuvre: Crash Dive (1996), Steel Sharks, Rapid Assault, Time Under Fire, Hybrid (all 1997), Counter Measures (1998), and Nautilus (2000) -- each taking place in either submarines, underground bunkers, and space labs, you'll probably see those sets getting a Roger Corman-styled repurposing. In fact, I know I've seen these sets in Fred Olen Ray and Jim Wynorski's Alien-cum-Star Wars ripoffs. I am just to lazy to pick through my VHS library "alien shelf" at the moment to figure it all out. So, you're on your own!

Ah, but don't worry. You've seen worse. So, give Scorpio One a stream on Tubi (Fallout is on You Tube).

*Also know as Phoenix II, you'll enjoy the low-budget Alien-cum-Outland knockoffness of the 1995 Phoenix a whole lot more. You can look under my IMDb reviews for Phoenix, as well as Battle of the Stars, and Starforce. You can also enjoy more of these budget-conscience sci-fi flicks of the '50s to the '90s as part of a "Movies in Outer Space Week" at B&S About Movies.

SCORPIO ONE is another boring outer space-set movie from the late 1990s, when B-movie producers seemed obsessed with putting stuff into outer space whether it belongs there or not. This time around, we get martial arts hero Jeff Speakman who travels into space with part of a team to tackle some terrorists on a space station and help save the planet in the meantime.

The plot is as preposterous as it sounds, but unfortunately the scriptwriters decided to go for a slow-moving, talky script throughout and it's fair to say that not much happens here. Speakman gets a fight scene or two but for the most part this is a boring film that consists of boring actors reading boring dialogue. Suspense and drama flatline throughout, and a cameo from Robert Carradine is barely noticeable. The villain is played by NINE DEATHS OF THE NINJA's Brent Huff.

While not THE WORST movie I've ever seen, it was unquestionably of low quality. Were it not for the fact I was watching it when I had insomnia, I certainly would have fallen asleep during this movie.

While I won't spend much time on this (why bother?) I have the following observations to offer:

• It's not clear what this movie was trying to be, Walker Texas Ranger in Space or any number of B-storyline rip-offs. I found NOTHING original, however, which is quite a feat in itself.

• Very amusing were a number of the SAME sound effects used in the PC game "Doom"! Not just similar; they must have come from the same source! I can only wonder if the game and the movie purchased the sounds from the same FX company or if the movie bought the rights from ID, the makers of DOOM. Quite amusing. Perhaps the ONE enjoyable facet of the game (aside from seeing Robin Douglas)

The director of this farce (god bless him) actually directed a film called "Ghost Dog .. A Detective Tail" . Honest ! This monstrosity is even worse. I hope the investors got their money back !

A bunch of CIA operatives travel alone to a "space station" - not the one owned by Russia, the other one ! - along with a lady who is apparently an accomplished astronaut - and pretend they are somewhere in darkest Afghanistan !

Do I need to go on ?