Big Sister 2000

I think this movie came about something like this.

# hypothetical

Once upon a time a porn producer rented a location and some film equipment for a week in the hopes of shooting 5 typical sex movies.

After successfully completing his filming on Friday afternoon a full day ahead of schedule he throws a party for the cast and crew. Everyone gets stone drunk by 3:00 AM and someone suggests they should do another movie on Saturday. A script is written, roles are assigned and locations selected all before dawn.

Filming started at 10:00 AM when everyone was still hung over and barely awake and ended at sunset. All editing was done that same night while sharing some more alcohol and good vibes.

# /hypothetical

Big Sister 2000 is what you would expect in a movie that was made this way.

A previous reviewer mentions guards in Football pads and black hand-me-downs trying to look menacing. Look closer, they are actually women trying to look male with padding to hide the curves and straps across the implants.

Note that there is no mention of plot or characters in my review. This is consistent with the movie which also lacks both.

This picture has no redeeming qualities at all. Its mediocrity isn't even interesting.

It appears to have been shot with a hand held camcorder. The sound is so bad you can barely make out the dialog, and it isn't worth the effort. The music track is mid '60s "electronic," someone noodling around randomly with an old synthesizer. The setting is a small dam or flood control facility, probably in the LA hills.

The cast might have been attractive in some other setting, but there is no emotional or sex appeal here.

A prison guard appears, wearing football pads, a top hat, dark sunglasses, and black handmedowns you'd find in a Goodwill store. He was supposed to be menacing but just looked silly. This was the highlight of the picture.

If you want to be amazed and astounded by how intensely bad a bad movie can be, rent _Plan 9 from Outer Space_. This picture isn't amazing or astounding, it's just bad.

If you look deep (and I mean deep deep DEEP) down inside, you can see the germ of an interesting, almost Kafkaesque idea here: evil government people secretly watch, then kidnap, interrogate and torture unsuspecting citizens to stop any "subversive activities". The execution, however, is so unimaginably atrocious that you just sit there watching the film in disbelief, wondering how the hell it got distributed and even released on DVD! The ineptitude and incompetence are clear right from the start, when a (naked, of course) girl is shown escaping from her cell by sliding BETWEEN the bars! Wow, I wonder why more prisoners never think of that! The "explanation" for all the events at the end is so laughable that even the "actor" (using the term loosely, apart from Julie Strain there are no professional actors here) that delivers it can barely contain his laughter. I never thought I would give a movie that has girls with big guns AND Julie Strain going lesbian such a low rating, but this thing is SO bad that it leaves me no choice.

Note: I really tried to follow the guidelines, but I had to stray on a couple parts. This thing is an abomination to all movies, everywhere.

Without a doubt the worst movie I have ever seen, and the tragedy is it's not even funny. Enthralled by the cover boasting a leather-clad woman with a big gun, I thought this would be a good pick. The plot is that the main character, (sorry, the name has escaped me so we will call her Tracy) is kidnapped from her boyfriends trailer after a night of apparent loving. Her crime: reading a book of jokes (?). Tracy is then taken to some sort of prison camp where other scantily clad x-porn stars are kept. There, the girls must fight to liberate themselves from the likes of a leather clad torturess (possibly the same person depicted on the cover) and a scummy boss man, who is the mastermind of both the prison and the kidnappings. These two main villians try to "break" the girls by means of verbal and physical abuse, neither of which are at all abusive. A kindred ghost who was killed by the very people Tracy is being detained by helps Tracy to escape, by telling her the big boss man's secret weakness. Armed with the weapon that the scummy boss man has an incredible fear of his mother, Tracy in turn "breaks" him by somehow convincing him that she is his mother and he's been "A Bad Boy!" or some such nonsense. Other noteworthy mention is that Tracy kills the female torturess by poking out her one "good" eye (the torturess' other eye is glass, which is revealed by the all-knowing ghost).Shot in video, but yet not a porn (a couple boobs here and there).

To briefly sum it up, this movie is a porn without hardly any nudity. It has all the elements: bad plot, scantily clad girls, shot in video, terrible acting and sound, and the occasional lighting crew in the shot. This movie has to be seen to be believed, but even then it isn't worth it.

Nice cover, nice notes on the back cover (Julie Strain looks hot on photos) - I'm a huge fan of Women-In-Prison...but I saw 2 min. of this film and realized it's shot on video, so I couldn't care less. I don't give a damn about anybody's homevideo - gimme 16 mm or 35 mm!