South Beach Academy

I've had a mini-poster of this one ever since I saw it advertising the flick and begged it from the owner, but never saw the actual movie. So recently I went for it after downloading the trailer and seeing all those G-strings, so, yes, market researchers, making trailers available on the Net is Great Advertising, and, yes, market researchers, sex, and nudity, sells big-time.

My imported DVD, a Red Carpet Special, was a double bill feature, and I was worried about the running partner being dorky, but not too worried, as it was another Corey Feldman movie, ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER which I thought night well be perhaps just like a naughty episode of BEVERLY HILLS 90210.

Don't I wish!

For all of those of you who go blech!!! over SOUTH BEACH ACADEMY, go watch RARHSF. You'll come crawling back to dear old SBA on your hands and knees, kissing its feet!

In both movies, Corey Feldman is the epitome of white trash. This is because Corey Feldman lives to be the epitome of white trash on film.

But SOUTH BEACH ACADEMY, though light on dim- witted plot, at least has something to look at almost the whole time as you struggle through the inane script. Unfortunately, contrary to most expectations, there aren't many breasts in this movie, so don't be fooled by the other reviewers, who are sadly mistaken by the gamut of surgical creations that have usurped the spaces once held by natural appendages. Hell, girls, all of you in this movie, you're damn pretty things, with your long legs, slinky midriffs, long, long hair, and those curvy asses, but really! You had to go and get yourself all cut up for yucky implants?

Fortunately there are loads of rear views! And great ones at that!

The script stinks! The movie stinks! Corey Feldman is a low-down stinker! Should have been shot after this miserable performance!

But it is a hundred times better than that projectile vomit inane schoolboy comedy ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER. This one might well be the absolute bottom of the barrel, but ROCK AND ROLL HIGH SCHOOL FOREVER is what is stuck underneath that barrel on a hot summer's day and you wouldn't want that to stick to your shoes.

One obtains SOUTH BEACH ACADEMY to watch the girls. As such, there is plenty of fine damsels, even if there are too many boobjobs. Don't expect anything more from it than titillation.

The opening credits of the movie is really all you need, boys. Just take away all that pesky names of stupid actors, and that irritating beach ball, and put it on Repeat over and over and over, hell, few guys, except you budding Einsteins, would complain. Gee, I should have designed this titles' DVD presentation. Could have done away with the lame plot altogether.

What did I like? Plenty of dream girls, the lead actress held possibilities, but she was undermined by the poor script. And Ron Jeremy uncredited! But the very, very best thing is newcomer Julia Lynn Cialini, a Playboy centerfold. Hey, she could have been in MELROSE PLACE! She is one of the few girls here not seen nude, pity! but her performance as the sexually overt Phyllis Glass could only have sunk her chances at crossing over to mainstream. Which is a shame, as she'd have been formidable competition for contemporaries Christina Applegate and Nikki Cox (MARRIED WITH CHILDREN and UNHAPPILY EVER AFTER respectively). Wasted opportunity, Hollywood!

I should have been a casting agent...

I wince when those volleyball-playing girls hit the sand. Beach sand, but they obviously get hurt. And there seems to be a fetish for that in this movie. Fake boobs, bare butts, and girls diving for the ball, hitting the sand. Ouch!

Avoid that Rock and Roll thing like the plague. And kill Corey Feldman.

A romp on the beach promising and delivering beautiful breasts.

Too many movies promise and don't provide more than a few moments. Others portray nudity and human interactions negatively. In this movie any negative treatment is rapidly slapped away. For those who see the beauty in nudity, the overall impression is of positive vibes and joyous, loving relationships having fun on the beach.

Back in the 60's, beach movies had casts filled with unattractive actors (Frankie & Annette). In the 80's, beach movies had some attractive ladies, but most of the guys (with the exception of Grant Cramer) were still too wiry. In the 90's, the made-for-video beach movies finally got it right, but if your movies are MFV affairs, whose going to care?

This movie wasn't great, but it wasn't bad either. Mixing up every cliche it can muster, we have a film about a couple of brothers trying to help a woe-be-gone uncle from losing his shirt from a crafty rival through a beach volleyball game. Admittedly, they did put a lot of twists and turns in this one, but there are painful moments here with the acting. Elizabeth Kaitan sounds like she has something stuck in her voice. Al Lewis gets under your nerves, and James Hong delivers every Asian stereotype again. Still, the women are hot and Miami is a gorgeous city as depicted in the film, so if you're into this, by all means take a dip. Just stay out of Club Madonna. My trip to Miami was nice, but it felt more like the S Club 7's.

I recently watched South Beach Academy ;1995) on Tubi. The storyline follows a school that teaches beach activities. The owner of the school has a gambling problem and is duped into betting his entire ownership of the academy on a ladies' volleyball tournament. Two brothers must train some ladies to win the tournament and save the school.

This film is directed by Joe Esposito in his lone directorial project and stars Corey Feldman (Lost Boys), Al Lewis (The Munsters), James Hong (Big Trouble in Little China), Keith Coulouris (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II), and Ron Jeremy (The Boondock Saints).

This movie is absolutely wild and should have been better given the fun, random cast. The hijinks essentially serve as an excuse to feature as many random, gorgeous women as possible, resulting in a ton of nudity. Lorelei Leslie (Pulp Fiction) is stunning and reminded me of a young JLo. The film has a very '80s feel in terms of plot, characters, and circumstances. The premise and subplots are terrible. The best parts of the movie are a topless car wash sequence and a random topless scorekeeper during the volleyball game. Corey Feldman's presence in this movie is puzzling; he's annoying and not funny. Additionally, seeing Al Lewis as a creepy old man was uncomfortable...but somehow it worked for James Hong and Ron Jeremy.

In conclusion, South Beach Academy delivers exactly what you'd expect-lots of nudity and little else. I would score this a 4/10 and recommend skipping.

This is not the worst movie ever made. No, wait, this is the worst movie ever made. In a scene between two brother, Corey Feldman delivers the immortal line "I like breasts, fake breasts." He seems to be echoing the thought of the filmmakers who put breasts, either naked or covered with a bikini top in nearly every scene. There are also 40 or 50 shots of the backsides of different women in thongs. The plot has something to do with a gambler, a bet and a woman's volley ball team, but the plot is just an excuse to parade dozens of scantily clad women in front of the camera. It is a little sad seeing Al Lewis, who must have been in his late 80's here. He was a fine comic actor (see the television series, "Car 54 Where Are You"). He deserved better.

The movie is too leering and sneering for women and too tame and lame for men, and too witless for both men and women.

Actually, if a fashion designer student wanted to know what bikinis were popular in Miami in the 1990's, this would be the perfect movie to watch.