- Pest: So, you started a few wars. a-ite? Okay, you actually you started every war, but I mean who's counting; it's not like you ever won one, right?
- [laughs and pulls Leo's pants down]
- Leo: Ve kicked France's ass.
- Pest: Oh please, like who hasn't?
- Pest: So... uh... what was your snake's name?
- Himmel: Cocteau.
- Pest: [nervously] Coc-teau? Like the French playwright?
- Himmel: Nein... After my two favorite body parts.
- Pest: Later, masturbator.
- Pest: Love, peace and chicken grease.
- Angus: Do you know what today is?
- Pest: The first day of the rest of our lives?
- Angus: No.
- Pest: Sean Connery's birthday?
- Angus: Sean Connery's birthday?
- Bagpipe Player: SEAN CONNERY'S BIRTHDAY?
- [Band plays "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow"]
- Pest: "The United States of... Germany." Wow, somebody's a sore loser.
- Pest: Of course I farted. What, you think I smell like this all the time?
- Mr. Cheung: You know, you don't even look Chinese. You look like Moe from Three Stooges. I fire your ass!
- Angus: Today is Monday. I want all the money you owe me by Wednesday or I'm going to kill your whole family.
- Pest: How 'bout Thursday and you just take out a cousin?
- Pest: Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the slickest of them all? It's the schemin'est, keenest scam artist. GOD, IT'S SO HARD TO BE MODEST.
- [Pest and Angus speak over telephone]
- Angus: You'd show more respect if we were the Italian mob.
- Pest: Oh, please. Don't start that again.
- Angus: Just because we're Scottish people don't take us seriously
- [Pest burps into mouthpiece]
- [Pest works at a Chinese restaurant, disguised as Chinese]
- Mr. Cheung: [In heavy Chinese accent] How come I don't undastand any of your Chinese?
- Pest: [In just as thick an accent] I from Souff! Is a diffwent diawect!
- Mr. Cheung: Oh really? Well, I'm from Souff too!
- Pest: [pause] Well, I from FAR, FAR, FAR, far Souff!
- Puerto Rican Boy: If you're blind, how did you know that I was a man?
- Pest: I could hear your gonads shaking.
- Himmel: But I don't want to make the kill. I want to be a hair dresser, write musicals.
- [after his crotch caught on fire]
- Pest: Fear not. The Pest line shall continue. My childrens have been savededed.
- [after he pees his pants from fright]
- Pest: I'm sorry. I couldn't make it to the newspaper.
- Pest: ...I hope you get violated by pig monkey men in the woods.
- Himmel: I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to bore you with the defining trauma of my life.
- Pest: Excuse me, but - ahh. Why do I gotta look like something out of "Jungle Book" and you guys all get the nice Banana Republic stuff?
- Xantha: Anything you have to say to me... you can say it in front of Malaria.
- Pest: Anything?
- Xantha: Anything.
- Pest: Alright. Malaria's got mossy teeth, dandruff, and a fat butt!
- Xantha: PEST!
- Malaria: These jeans make me look fat!
- Pest: Ah no, Malaria, your fat butt makes you look fat!
- Pest: O MY GOD. Quacky. Quacky. What have they dided to you?
- [Pretends to cry]
- Pest: Which one is he?
- [singing]
- Pest: I'm "ridiculiculous." Like a booger I stick to this.
- Himmel: You'd have to shoot me first.
- [Gustav shoots Himmel]
- Chubby: I can't believe you shot him.
- Gustav: Ah, he's wearing a bulletproof vest.
- Himmel: Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
- [Pest and Chubbs enter an armory]
- Pest: Be all you can be!
- Chubbs: Yeah, don't ask, don't tell.
- Pest: ...What's that supposed to mean?
- Chubbs: Oh, nothin'.
- Pest: Just checkin...
- [after tumbling down a steep hill and banging his head against a rock]
- Pest: Aaahhh, now I'm nice and limber!
- Himmel: Don't flatter me.
- Pest: OK, your feet stink, your nose is point and your mother dresses you funny!
- Angus: Why don't you do that impression I like so much?
- Pest: Oh, come on, I don't want to. You know the Italians never made me do impressions.
- Angus: Do it.
- Pest: [imitates Scotty from Star Trek] Captain, I cannot do it. The dilithium crystals are breaking up. She's gonna blow.
- Pest: [talking to himself while defecating in the forest] Whether 'tis nobler in the mind...
- [farts]
- Pest: ...to suffer the slings and arrows...
- [farts again]
- Pest: ...of outrageous fortune...
- [farts again]
- [singing]
- Pest: I'm in the mood to scam, simply because I can.
- Leo: Ah, the tracking device I placed in his underwear seems to be working.
- Himmel: Why does Leo get all the good jobs?
- [Leo, Gustav, and Himmer are driving in a VW Beetle]
- Gustav: Couldn't you have picked a better car?
- Himmel: I thought you'd like it. It's German.
- Gustav: Haven't you ever heard of BMW, idiot?
- [after Gustav wasted his tranquilzers on Xantha's family and his son, missing Pest]
- Pest: You can't hit me! You can't hit me! You're a big sucker-butt! Ha ha ha, ha ha ha! I can't believe you're German! Ha ha h...
- [Gustav hits him with the gun handle]
- Pest: [Flatulence] One stinky dinky, Ah ha ha!
- [Flatulence]
- Pest: Two stinky dinky,
- [Extended Flatulence]
- Pest: Ah ha ha!
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