The Naked Detective

I just finished watching "The Naked Detective" and boy, was that movie something. The women in this film were HOT. Let me say that again...they were HOT! After that nurse came strutting out, I didn't even care that much about the plot anymore, just get that nurse naked.

We start with Sam Drake, Private Eye. He's in his run-down office, while he's narrating in the style of the old film-noir movies of the 40's. In walks Roxanne (Taylor St. Clair), in true femme fatale fashion. It seems that someone is trying to kill her old, clinging-to-life husband Higgie. When I saw this guy, hunched over in a wheelchair, I knew that any woman who looked like Roxanne was obviously married to a geezer like this for his money.

Also populating the household are Carlo, the chauffeur, Higgie's son Junior, his money-grubbing wife Irene (Julia Parton), the naughty nurse Annie O'Shea (Camille Donatacci), and the horny maid Jane (Carolyn R. Smith). These four women (Roxanne, Irene, Annie, and Jane) have got to be the best looking foursome of women I've EVER seen in a softcore flick. I've seen movies with better casts, but that's usually because there's 6 or 7 women in them. To get this much out of so little is amazing. Annie was the best looking woman out of them all, though. Blonde, busty and very curvy....oh man, I need a cold shower.

All of the women were trying, in one way or another, kill the old guy to get the jackpot. So, when he does drop dead during dinner, the search goes out for the culprit. Sam Drake spends the weekend interrogating (and having sex with) all the women of the household. When he does finally find out where the newly-written will is and figures out just whodunit, it seems anti-climactic. The final scene, where Sam spells out who did it in true detective fashion, was hilarious. Furthermore, there was plenty of funny dialogue throughout the movie, such as Sam agreeing to take on Roxanne's case for $30 a day and an egg salad....no wait, a tuna fish sandwich. The story was a little flimsy, but the high "Women" grade makes up for that. The comedic dialogue balances the shallowness of the storyline. The sex scenes were all in slow motion, as if I was watching one of those softcore films Marilyn Chambers usually does. All in all, this one was tapeworthy, and I'm sure glad I taped it.

Women: A++ (The first ever A-plus-plus grade goes to this fearsome foursome of ladies. If I lived in a house with a wife that looked like Roxanne, a maid like Jane, a nurse like Annie, and a daughter-in-law like Irene, I would be an extremely happy man.)

Sex: B (Plenty of sex scenes, but in painfully slow motion. Speed them up and we've got something here.)

Story: B+ (Your run-of-the-mill whodunit, but the funny dialogue won me over and made me overlook most of the plotholes.)

Overall: A- (This one hangs on in the "A" range on the strength of its female cast. The sex scenes were good, but not great, and the comedy in the script kept me laughing in between the sex scenes. A definite change of pace from the usual "erotic thriller" stuff I've been seeing too much of lately.)

This movie was the worst movie I have ever seen! NOT!!!! Just kidding! This movie was great! I laughed the whole way through the movie, and if this movie wasn't a Comedy it should be. The great combination of nudity, action, and mystery had me sitting on the edge of my seat. I mean how can a movie like The Naked Detective be any better?

Well, for a soft-core late-night cable flick, I've certainly seen worse. It seems to try to be wryly comic, but largely misses the mark. Or maybe it was supposed to be campy, but misses that one, too. The ladies, Julia Parton (aka Nina Alexander), Taylor St. Clair, Camille Grammar, née Donatacci, and Carolyn Smith, are all lovely. Interestingly, the one who showed the best acting chops and comic timing was Miss Parton, the one with the most experience in real porn. However the eight breasts between them could have lost about twenty pounds and looked much better. And who decided that women should be naked and making love in a bed, yet still wearing shoes? This is very common, but disconcerting to me.

As an admirer of the naked female form, I often regret missing the Golden Age of burlesque. And one of the cleverest strategies in burlesque was the general consensus that the patrons actually became bored and restless watching hour after hour of strip acts. So the theater managers included comedy interludes, complete with comics in baggy pants, randy old coots in wheelchairs, sexy young things in abbreviated nurse outfits, handsome but bumbling heroes. (Sort of the same theory in building roller coasters or directing a horror film. Too much excitement finally just numbs the senses.)

The director of `The Naked Detective', consciously or not, copies the magic formula of burlesque. The only problem is that he seems to have gotten the proportions wrong. The nude scenes are impossibly brief and the comic interludes seemed to last forever. At first I thought it was just the old Theory of Relativity at work…a minute sitting in the dentist's chair seems like an hour, but an hour kissing your girlfriend seems like only a minute. Then I used the timer on my VCR, and clocked the naked detective at just under three minutes per scene and the clothed detective at fifteen to twenty minutes of interminably unfunny scenes.

I'm sure the director and cast liked the idea of making a movie with the heft and authority of a mainstream movie, telling anyone who will listen that there is actually more nudity in Kubrick's `Eyes Wide Shut'. Instead, we have a movie that aims for success with two different audiences and fails both. It's too sexy for the prime-time audience and not sexy enough for us late-night viewers. What is particularly sad is that we have two of the most luscious brunettes in the industry, Taylor St. Claire and Julia Parton, who keep their clothes on through too much of this movie. One of the earliest scenes, with Julia Parton wearing only a pair of red high heels and her killer grin, was over so quickly that I wondered if the movie had been edited for cable.

And of course, because `The Naked Detective' is a comedy, I knew that I would never see a scene with both Taylor and Julia, re-enacting the lost rites of the island of Lesbos. (Where is that rule written? That only `erotic thrillers' are allowed to have a girl-girl scene?) That point was emphasized even further when they were cast as the sexy young wife and sexy young daughter-in-law, adversaries for the deceased old coot's inheritance. What a wonderful opportunity lost.

Which really sums up the whole movie…lost opportunities and missed moments. Best viewed with extensive use of the fast forward button.

I love it when producers and directors use actors from the adult movie industry in their projects. This movie includes Julie Parton and Taylor St Claire. They were very sexy in this movie and it is easy to download clips of their x rated performances.

The sexy blonde nurse is dynamite and you might be surprised to find out who she is. I could not find this movie on DVD but downloaded it from a porn website. There are no x rated moments in The Naked Detective but it is funny and sexy. That is enough for me.

This old combat veteran is grateful to all who were part of this project. You blazed a trail which is followed today by my favorite TV shows on HBO, Showtime, Cinemax, etc. I salute you!