Dinosaur Valley Girls

Considering the stellar cast and comments in other forums, and the availability of "Director's Cut" and "Family" editions, I was expecting a sex comedy with dinosaurs. If you want one of those, see the much more entertaining _Dinosaur Island_.

This is a dumb cave man comedy, with women who expose their breasts now and then. Considering the Los Angeles women in animal skin bikinis motif, the costumes are not particularly flattering. There's very little sex in it, and the ever-radiant Griffin Drew gets very little screen time and hardly does anything but smile and sunbathe a little.

There are some stop-action dinosaurs, but they're rather stiff and simple. There are also some real lizards that only make the stop-action dinosaurs look even less real.

For a better dumb cave man comedy, see _When Women Had Tails_ or _Cave Man_ For the definitive babe in a doeskin bikini, _One Million Years BC_ still has not been surpassed.

This is an unforgivably awful movie about a dude who transports back to an era where stop-motion dinosaurs attack "cavewomen" that somehow possess ginormous breast implants. Karen Black plays some sort of Cave Mom to the clan of cavewomen. She has a small handful of scenes that she cowers and grunts through, and they aren't really related to the rest of the film. When the cavewomen are off seducing the heroes, battling dinosaurs, or engaging in unnecessary dance sequences that look straight from the "Walk the Dinosaur" video by Was (Not Was), the scene will randomly switch to Black, writhing up against a wall, eating meat on a stick. It's embarrassing and she deserved much better than to be stuck in cameos like this in the 90s. She does look great for her age here (which, depending on your source, is anywhere between 48 and 57) and she does get to try her hand at physical comedy in her three scenes. So, if you're a die-hard Black fan, than it may be worth watching just for her quick funny bit, but otherwise, it's an intolerable mess to sit through.

This movie does not deliver in any way. If you're looking for a funny low-budget flick, sorry, you're out of luck. The acting is terrible, the scenes flat, and the staging horrendous. Also, it's WAY too boring to have fun watching, even with a bunch of drunk friends. If you're looking for soft-core porn, you'll be even more disappointed. Some breasts at the beginning and scattered through the middle, and one sex scene with precious little nudity and no eroticism whatsoever are the only porn-like moments of the film. There is maybe a minute's worth of boobies in this long, boring flick. The movie's one saving grace: the ridiculous soundtrack. The self-indulgent director Glut records himself singing two lovely tunes. The first, "Jurassic Punk," is unforgettable, and shown music video-style over a montage of cave girls trying to dance sexily but looking like doofuses and a stop-motion allosaur rubbing its teeth on a plastic stegosaur. The second, "Dinosaur Valley Girls," runs over the closing credits and is not quite as memorable, but still quite catchy. Actually worth the rental for the songs, but just fast forward the rest of the movie. 2 out of 10.

After enduring Fred Olen Ray's idiotic, unfunny "Dinosaur Island" it seemed impossible to lower the bar any further. But this film is twice as bad, and boring to boot. Tony, a barely- likable Hollywood action star, is transported back to prehistoric times (what, that plot again?) via a magical icon where he cavorts with cave babes, including a token black girl, who wear leopard-spot and zebra-skin bikinis. Essentially it's 1985's dumb teen comedy "Cavegirl" multiplied by a power of ten and turned into a dumb adult comedy. Much like Ed Wood, writer/director Donald Glut has great enthusiasm for the subject ("Land of the Lost", "Dink, the Little Dinosaur") but no ideas or artistic vision worth putting on film. In fact, it's astonishing that investors actually put up the money to make this at all. Clearly, this cost someone a fortune that they probably did not get back. To its credit, the cinematography and colorful locations are quite beautiful. And the old school stop-motion dinosaurs, though a bit stiff and clunky, are actually fun to see. It's like watching Willis O'Brien's 1925 "The Lost World" in color.

The main liability is the utterly witless script fails miserably as a comedy (absolutely nothing even moderately amusing occurs) and also fails as softcore erotica -- despite frequent scenes of beautiful topless cavegirls. To kill some screen time, there's also a sudden, out-of-context music video, "Jurassic Punk", with a montage of dinosaurs and slow-motion dancing girls. That part was almost entertaining.

In order to have some sort of story (i.e. conflict), the cavemen and cavewomen live in separate, single-gender tribes. The men adore a "pinup" stick-figure drawing of a woman they call Raquel (as in former cavegirl Raquel Welch, get it?). Now that we've all had a good laugh, let's take a moment to catch our breath ... Both tribes speak a made up language so, the only verbal humor comes from Tony reciting tired old tag lines (like "Make my day") from vintage action films. (Stop it, these hilarious jokes are killing me.) One would then expect plenty of physical slapstick humor to compensate, right? Sorry, no. However, this being a sophisticated film for adults, the cavemen do fart a lot and Three Stooges-type sound effects are added in to remind us this is a comedy, damn it, despite all evidence to the contrary.

After over an hour of pointless, episodic tedium, the cavemen finally raid the cavegirls' camp and drag them off. Almost immediately, the girls realize being abducted and molested isn't so bad after all and the two tribes merge and everyone is happy. The only other plot conflict is dealing with a bothersome allosaurus.

For some reason, while wearing his screenwriter's hat, director Glut found it terribly amusing that sex is repeatedly referred to as "tooka-tooka" by the cave people. Confident of a box- office smash, the frightening end credits announce a proposed sequel entitled "Dinosaur Valley Girls: Tooka-Tooka Too!" We can all thank our lucky stars that this was never made. Glut moved on to make some equally terrible erotic-ish horror flicks.