The Roller Blade Seven

Much to the annoyance of past housemates, I enjoy watching B-grade films as well as the more commercial ones. So when a friend said he'd lend me his copy of "The Roller Blade Seven" and said how bad it was, I assumed he just didn't understand how good and bad B-grade film could be. To add to this, he bet me I couldn't watch the movie from start to finish, and that no one had been able to do it. Challenge accepted!

Challenge failed! This movie is simply unwatchable. Having read a few of the other reviews of this movie, I know how they're trying to get the message across of just how abysmal this movie is. I don't think it can be done. One reviewer compared it to "Razor Blade Smile". This is also a bad movie, but an Oscar winner in comparison to the Roller Blade 7. No amount of panning or explanations can possibly get the message across of what this movie is actually like.

This movie isn't just bad, it makes you angry. The copy that I watched is lucky to still be in one piece as an angry viewer was stopped mid stomp as he attempted to destroy the video so that no one else would ever have to be subjected to it again.

If the chance comes around to see this movie, you should take it. It will make you appreciate every other movie you've ever watched so much more.

To the people who made this movie, this simple question needs to be asked. Why? If you have some spare time and money, please don't use it to make films like this. It's paramount to mental abuse.

okay, let's cut to the chase - there's no way i can give this anything other then 1 out of 10; and yet you have to see it! The acting is bad, but is nothing like as bad as the script, which itself pales before the production values. Cardboard axes? yup, we've got then. Car floor mats painted silver and used as armour? here it is!

The film itself pretends to be artistic, but is just cheap; the same shots are used repeatedly - especially in the drawn out fight scenes; there is (thankfully!) very little dialogue, and there is much 'artistic' music to ram home the horror!

And yet all this awfulness is compelling - you have to watch it through just so that you can say you've seen it. I've not even got onto the barren sets, the 'plot', or the risible special effects; this really is the 'how not to do it' school of filmmaking. This must be viewed - spread the word, and let the world all join together in puzzling over what on earth is happening at the end

The best thing, though, is that they made a sequel.

Truly a great leap forward in the perfection of painful cinema.

Everything about this film is bad. Acting (if it can be called that), lighting, sound, script (if there was one), editing, direction, camera work, it is all atrocious. There is not a single element that is done well. If I thought that this was intentional then I might give the film some credit but I can not believe people would set out to make such a horendous film.

This film is worth buying and screening to your worst enemies.

The Roller Blade Seven is a bizarre creature, it's a truly terrible film with awful production values yet features a host of famous names.

Set in a post apocalyptic world much alike the Mad Max (1979) universe, except there are ninjas, religion and everyone wears roller blades for some reason.

With audio that often sounds like it was recorded through a sponge, the same segments repeated, fight scenes that make Jerry Springers look like it's well choreographed and a story that makes no sense at all.

It's one of those films that has to be seen to be believed yet you don't want to put anyone through a film quite this terrible.

I award it 2 not 1 purely on the basis of novelty value but make no mistake it's the absolute pits.

The Good:

Nope!

The Bad:

Laughable soundtrack that doesn't even remotely fit the content

Awful audio quality

Embarrassing fight scenes

Cringe inducing camera work

Scenes repeated several times

We really don't need to know each actors name as they appear on screen

Things I Learnt From This Movie:

It is a reverends job to distribute samurai swords and see that people skate the path of righteousness

Even in a post apocalyptic world religious garments look ridiculous

Our hero is so anti-mainstream expectations that in a Jacuzzi with your standard bikini glad girls he keeps his clothes on and kisses them like you'd kiss your mother

Wearing shades during the night STILL makes you look like a douche

Joe Estevez is the lesser known brother for a reason

Frank Stallone is the lesser brother for a reason as well

So roller skate ninjas are a thing

Being hacked to pieces with axes will result in no wounds and no blood

This has to be the greatest practical joke ever. I'm amazed that all the other actors kept a straight face. I might be wrong but the impression I get from this movie was that they duped Frank Stallone and Joe Estevez into acting in this movie that has a budget of just under $40, depending on how much those nerf bats and spray painted catcher's equipment cost, create the most incoherent movie ever created, and sit back and laugh at the fact that Joe Estevez and Frank Stallone weren't in on the joke.

If by some chance they weren't kidding and they legitimately tried to make a real movie then I feel sorry for everyone involved in the creation. I've had quite a love affair with cheesy movies, but this movie is so bad I can hardly watch it. They repeat pointless "special effects" so many times that it's obvious they were just trying to cover up the fact that they only shot 30 minutes of footage. If I were forced to watch this movie on repeat I would bludgeon myself unconscious with my own hands after about one and a half times through. No offense to the great Frank Stallone, but I would rather watch Sylvester teach a fingerpainting class for 10 hours than watch that movie ever again.