Destructor

You couldn't make it up. Except they did: it took two guys to write the story of Frank Ryan, a tough mercenary (played by the inimitable Brian Thompson) who's hired to rescue a foreign rebel leader, and does so by teaming up with a bevy of hot female agents and posing as a gay fashion photographer on a location shoot. Thompson even gets to kiss Oliver Reed and then shoot all his bodyguards.

Every line is a classic. Random quote: "Murder, blood, and paranoia are going to make fine company where you're going." The direction is equal to the words. Nico Mastorakis (aided by Peter Rader) is a trash auteur of Albert Pyun proportions and aside from some okay Steadicam shots the movie is as flat as painted brickwork.

Reed plays the bad guy, Bartos, with an outrageous Johnny Foreigner accent and that walrus moustache of his. He's keeping the rebel leader captive and somehow can't see through the good guys' ruse. Too busy molesting his female staff, perhaps. Meanwhile, Frank's boss is played by George Kennedy, who you'll remember foaming at the mouth in The Naked Gun.

The editing is in a league of its own awfulness. There's a scene early on when Frank is creeping into Bartos's office, and we keep cutting back to the party downstairs for half a second at a time. It's not tense, it's just jarring. And in the final shootout it's virtually impossible to tell who's shooting who.

All of this should add up to a dismal movie, but there's too much fun and conviction and energy for it to be wholly dismissed. Kind of like Plan 9 in that regard. And there's a legitimately great scene where Frank is reporting back to the boss on a bugged line, so he's having to convey his progress via fashion metaphors - "Cosmo are 'dying' to meet!" Unfortunately there's not enough action, and precious little peril, to achieve the Commando gold standard of 80s action movie rewatchability. (Well, it just snuck into 1990.) What there's plenty of is camp, including numerous big-haired fashion shoot/military training montages and more than one raucous female prison. Plus henchmen so stupid they make video game A.I. of the time look smart. Oh yes, and the worst sex scene in film history, complete with actual pan pipes.

Put this one on your 'So Bad It's Good' shelf. It's objectively terrible but somehow irresistible.

I love this director. First, he gave us Island of Death, an utterly outrageous and hilarious piece of video nasty trash. Then, after thinking that was the only film he'd ever made, I found myself watching Nightmare at Noon, a Crazies style film with plenty of action and hoots. Now, I've sat through Hired to Kill, and although it's not as good as those two films, it still has plenty of daftness to keep my attention.

Brian Thompson is one of those secret service types hired to infiltrate a despotic country and overthrow dictator Oliver Reed, but not just that, he's got to do it posing as a gay fashion designer with an entourage of special forces beauties posing as models. So it's kind of like the dirty dozen remade by Vogue magazine, including the obligatory training scene, and the obligatory fashion model shoot. No wonder Oliver Reed looks perplexed (and a little bit toasted in a couple of scenes).

This is all pretty fun stuff, but there's a lack of action for the first hour or so. Still, there's the standout scene where Oliver Reed checks whether or not Thompson is actually gay or not which had me in stitches. I'm not even sure Reed was expecting to be kissed by Thompson because his surprise seems pretty genuine. Great stuff.

Hired to Kill is like if Andy Sidaris made The Expendables but with none of his usual energy. It boasts performances bad enough to make even Arnie wince, forgettable action and comedy that is completely unintentional. Yet, it's a pitch-perfect encapsulation of 90s direct-to-video shlock with a fairly meaty budget given all the explosions and globe-trotting location work, with fan favourite Brian Thompson getting to play the hero for once and bolstered by relatively memorable supporting roles by frigging Oliver Reed and George Kennedy. There's no real style to the direction but it's all done with competency and earnestness which shine through the film's otherwise weaker aspects while Jerry Grant's score feels like it was constructed from the outtakes he had left over from his work on Magnum P. I. and The A-Team. While it's a little dull at points, Hired to Kill is still an entertaining and pacey little B-movie, if a bit bloodless.

Hired to Kill (1990)

** (out of 4)

A government man (George Kennedy) hires mercenary Frank Ryan (Brian Thompson) to sneak into a South American location and take out a ruthless leader (Oliver Reed) who is holding an important man (Jose Ferrer) hostage. Frank goes undercover as a gay photographer and his "models" are actually trained agents.

HIRED TO KILL comes from director Nico Mastorakis who is best remembered for his notorious film ISLAND OF DEATH. This action picture certainly isn't in the same league but if you enjoy these low-rent action movies then you should get some kicks out of this one. Obviously there's nothing ground-breaking here but there are enough campy moments to keep you entertained. Plus, viewing this film twenty-five plus years after it was made, you can't help but smile thinking back on these types of movies that were made with such famous cast members.

The entire plot to this thing is pretty stupid but in many ways you have to think parts of the screenplay are a spoof on the genre. A gay photographer? The film manages to be at its most fun during the finale when various explosion and gun fights are happening. The stunts are all well done and the explosions are great, although sadly a stuntman did lose his life. The biggest problem with the film is that there's just not too much that happens for the first hour. There are way too many dialogue scenes and not enough action.

With that said, the cast is great or at least greatly entertaining. Thompson certainly wasn't a great actor but I thought he fit this role just perfectly. Reed, I'm sure drunk, is fun to watch as is both Kennedy and Ferrer in their small roles. The woman all look good and play up the sexuality, which is never a bad thing.

I love these old action movies with bad actors and all the cliches, they're simply just so funny. If you liked showdown in little tokyo or any of Arnolds action movies, then you'll like this :) Too bad this one wasn't shown in cinemas and I had to rent the DVD. So if you have a good sounds system and a thing for old action movies, then GET THIS ONE!!!