9 Ninjas 1/2

I first bought this when I was about 14 or 15 because it had ninjas in it, and I was all for buying anything with the word ninja it around that time.

Obviously, having the scantly clad and very beautiful Andee Gray splashed over the cover, my friends and parents were very convinced I had bought it for other reasons...

I think my husband would disagree!

At this stage I was sourcing as much Hong Kong cinema as I could possibly find. I had seen some of the finest at this point, and my video collection was growing fast. I knew from the look of this that I wasn't to be expecting anything that would get my adrenaline going, but oh boy - I was not expecting this.

Completely played for laughs, in the style of the hilarious Naked Gun & Airplane movies, this 1990 flick that clearly spoofs 9 ½ Weeks, is just bonkers and unfortunately falls flat on most of its gags!

Director Aaron Barsky (or Worth as he is in this) has quite the credits behind him in the film industry, and 9 ½ Ninjas was his directorial debut - but I have to say, had this been in the hands of Mel Brooks or David Zucker, I reckon it would have been a hit.

Instead, due to weak direction the comedy seems overly forced and so badly timed. The film itself is bland and boring on a technical aspect, but a lot of US films were in this time period. Hollywood go-to Asian of the 80's and 90's Gerald Okamura plays the Master of course ironically having just come off the equally unfunny Ninja Academy from the year before!

Is there any positive viewing experience in this? Well - very little. It will raise a smile here and there, but ultimately, 9 ½ Ninjas is a big flop. The moment has gone...

Overall: Not a vital part of your life, but will make you laugh more unintentionally than you think!

My review was written in January 1991 after watching the film on Republic Pictures video cassette.

The wackiness of "Airplane" eludes "9-1/2 Ninjas", a fitfully amusing spof of ninja films and Adrian Lyne's "Nine 1/2 Weeks".

Released direct to the home video maret, pic is an acceptable timekiller for fans not counting up the number of misses among scattershot, almost nonstop gags.

Film was evidently aimed more at the foreign market, where the Mickey Rourke-Kim Bassinger epic was a hti. Most of the gags here are obscure unless one has memories the bondage-oriented romance.

Michael Phenicie toplines as a guy who seems to have stepped out of a shirt ad, who becomes involved with ditzy but beautiful blonde Andee Gray. Running gag has her getting tied up and being treated as a submissive by Phenicie, but it's not very funny.

The ninjas appear as henchmen hired by mean real estate developer Robert Fieldsteel, who's trying to evict Phenicie from his apartment. Also present is a ninja hand puppet, voiced by Paul Jabara, which reduces the film to utter silliness.

Among the odder elements here are Fieldstel's Russian henchman Dimitri, played in drag with moustache by actress Barbara Leary and a weird subplot of Phenicie's earlier romance with lovely overeater Sharon Lee Jones, who put on hundreds of pounds thanks to special makeup effects.

Though this role doesn't give her much to do beyond Little Annie Fanny emoting, Gray is pleasant Phenicie is hamstrung by his Dudley Doright wooden assignment.

Not like anyone really will see this page (unless accidentally via a search for ninja-themed movies, which is totally understandable), but for your own sake, do not watch this movie. I have seen perhaps twenty movies that are on the Bottom 100 (and many that should be, like this), and I can honestly say that this, along with Charge of the Light Brigade and 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, is the most unbearably bad movie ever.

It's not "so bad it's good," despite what some might think. It's "did human beings really think 'hey, let's make this movie' and why am I gritting my teeth so hard?" Honestly, even as spoof films go, it's terrible. Not one joke is funny. Not ONE. Some parts (the whole movie) are so unfunny, that one wonders if the script were written by anyone over the age of five.

It doesn't deserve to have the word "ninjas" in the title. It doesn't deserve to exist. Don't watch it. My friends and I did so that, hopefully, you all don't have to. Don't watch it.

You like ninjas right? And sex, yeah? That's good too. Comedy? Well, we all like a laugh. Get this - this films includes all these elements yet utterly fails on every single level, to the point where, in order to get through to the end, I had to watch this film in twenty minute chunks over the course of several days.

Don't get me wrong, from the moment I opened the DVD case and poured this foul smelling, peanut ridden pile of crap into my poor, innocent DVD player, I knew I was on to a loser. It's 9 and a half weeks, done Airplane style, with ninjas, apparently written by someone with no emotional core who read in a book somewhere what a joke was, then tried to make a film about it.

It's full of sight gags (sh*te gags, more like), slapstick (crap sick, more like), terrible acting, terrible jokes a child would find simple, Benny Hill style sped up antics, and when the nudity comes around (very, very briefly) - it's silicone enhanced, which to me is like painting a ping pong ball pink and sellotaping it to my scrotum.

I actually cringed at one point when the lead actress started acting like a baby. That's no good, is it?

The plot involves a ninja/businessman called Joe Vogue fighting a businessman who wants to evict him from his apartment, with the help of some woman whom he trains to be a ninja. That's the plot. There's an actor who turns up in various, terrible roles (including a french guy and a surf dude), a woman with a moustache (Stop, my ribs can't take much more), a gay ninja (that's hilarious and co), some Jewish rabbis included because, er, rabbis are funny or something.

If I've made you interested in this film, please accept my humblest apologies. This make trash like Epic Movie and Meet the Spartans look almost sophisticated by comparison.

Here's a list of things funnier than this film: 1) Watching a small cute puppy being eaten by a crocodile. 2) Accidentally losing three fingers in an industrial accident. 3) Being caught wearing eyeglasses by Pol Pot. 4) Walking in on your wife while she's involved in a spit roast with two Premier League footballers. 5) Having Lyme's disease 6)Having ants lays eggs in your brain 7) Winning the lottery, stashing the ticket in your house, then having a massive stroke which results in locked in syndrome which means you can't tell anyone where the ticket is, therefore failing to provide for your family in their time of need. 8) Getting locked in a wardrobe full of glass and rolled down a hill. 9) Schindler's List 10) Having your entire body shoved through a one inch gap between two panes of glass 11) Staying at a hotel targeted by an IRA bomb during the early eighties 12) Getting really drunk and blacking out then coming to, finding yourself on the receiving end of a really big gay guy with a beard 13) Being trapped under ice on one of the great lakes. 14) Finding out you're related to Hitler 15) Having elephantitus of the scrotum 16) Being invited to Jeffrey Dahmer's house for a 'party' 17) Pulling a large piece of fluff from a fat guy's belly button and then eating it. 18) That film 'Threads' 19) Anything - anything is funnier than this film.

SPOILER - This film is sh*t

Okay, we all know going into this one that it's going to be bad. Shame on anyone who thought they'd be getting a classic motion picture, here. This was what you'd call a "B" movie at it's best...or worst, depending on who you listen to.

Basic plot line? Who cares. We're all here to see what happens when the star, Amee Gray takes off something. This is the early 90's when, along with really awful hair, most of your female leads would lose clothing. And...along with the aforementioned bad hair, she does. She is a very pretty lady but her acting is pretty much like watching a middle school cast do Mamet. It just ain't happening...

Now remember, this movie was done in those days before the internet. Your typical teenage boy had to find movies like this to look at semi-clad women, or pick up a men's magazine. I suspect someone had that idea when coming up with "9 1/2 Ninjas". Make a movie with some skin in it...toss in some action, and find a joke writer to add a laugh. Then, when the movie has it's theatrical run, put Gray on the cover of the VHS clamshell in as little as possible. Put the movie in your local "Lou's Movie Rental" place that's probably a gas station as well, where one can rent a movie like this, and viola! It'll make money.

The acting is pretty wooden and sophomoric. But, I have to admit I laughed at the scene where there's a Ninja attack, and the actors slip on some sort of spilled oil.

Having friends who have had parts in low budget films, I have a warm spot in my heart for a movie like this. They are a "starting point" for talent and production people. And, if you think about it, the B-movie seems to have largely disappeared due to much better technology allowing slicker and better looking productions.

Do I recommend this movie? Sure! It'll give you something to tell your friends the next day.. "Holy crap did I watch a pretty rotten movie...but the girl in it was kinda hot for 1991!" Put this in your Que for "Bad Movies I Will never Own Up to Watching, But it Had Some Redeeming Reasons to Watch"...

4 out of 10, and that's being really generous.