9 Ninjas 1/2

I wouldn't call myself a movie buff. I mean, I watch a lot of movies, I play six degrees of separation using actors/directors, and I've been accused on more than one occasion of cheating during games of scene-it, the DVD trivia game, though I never have, I just happen to know more about movies than members of my family. But I will say this: I have seen a film that I would call a desecration of cinema. I have seen a film that I believe no one could justify. Some people would say that there is warrant for existence in all things, they would say that any expression of creativity contains some type of merit. I can prove them wrong. With what you ask? Well, if you actually have to ask that, I'm sorry for you, because you are on the 9 1/2 ninjas board on IMDb, so odds are I'm talking about that tragedy that some would call a movie.

Spoofs are often dangerous waters to try and tread. The spoof requires the craftsmanship of a real satirist, or at least someone with some kind of sense of humor. Typically, a spoof correlates somewhat with the plot of the film it is trying to spoof. Supposedly (but I don't believe it) this film is a spoof of 9 1/2 weeks. When I learned this, it begged a certain question: "What?" Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this film is supposed to be a spoof? Don't ask me how, though, I'm just the messenger. This is my biggest problem with the film: its a facade! There is no "spoof," only minor and hardly noticeable references to the film it's trying to spoof. And secondly, there is no real kung-fu. I am an avid Kung-fu film fan. And when I see the word ninja, I expect to see at least some form of semi-skilled combat. Though this film is a comedy, the often sophomoric attempts at fighting are just plain frustrating.

In short, I strongly recommend you don't see this movie. That's pretty much all there is to it.

I was at a recording studio with my band for a weekend when we saw this one together (There were only Dawn of the Dead, Hills have eyes 2 and this, so..). At first we didn't know what to expect, just looking for something to kill spare time. Nobody read the cover before it started rolling, so we didn't know if it was a serious martial arts movie, drama or comedy etc.

After the first five minutes all of our mouths had just dropped wide open and we all kept asking: "What the hell??" The movie started out with jokes so unfunny, childish and Buster Keaton-like and kept them coming. Since none of us were prepared for this, we started laughing quietly at first and then harder and harder as the quality of comedy kept dropping down.

Some of the stuff in this film, especially some of the one-liners became memorable as hell during that weekend as we had this running in the background repeatedly about a dozen times or so. We were all pretty tired and of course enjoying something this bad as a group with our kind of sense of humor we had really had a blast. I know it's were poor movie in it's genre but we loved it and it will live in our memories for a long time.

Okay, we all know going into this one that it's going to be bad. Shame on anyone who thought they'd be getting a classic motion picture, here. This was what you'd call a "B" movie at it's best...or worst, depending on who you listen to.

Basic plot line? Who cares. We're all here to see what happens when the star, Amee Gray takes off something. This is the early 90's when, along with really awful hair, most of your female leads would lose clothing. And...along with the aforementioned bad hair, she does. She is a very pretty lady but her acting is pretty much like watching a middle school cast do Mamet. It just ain't happening...

Now remember, this movie was done in those days before the internet. Your typical teenage boy had to find movies like this to look at semi-clad women, or pick up a men's magazine. I suspect someone had that idea when coming up with "9 1/2 Ninjas". Make a movie with some skin in it...toss in some action, and find a joke writer to add a laugh. Then, when the movie has it's theatrical run, put Gray on the cover of the VHS clamshell in as little as possible. Put the movie in your local "Lou's Movie Rental" place that's probably a gas station as well, where one can rent a movie like this, and viola! It'll make money.

The acting is pretty wooden and sophomoric. But, I have to admit I laughed at the scene where there's a Ninja attack, and the actors slip on some sort of spilled oil.

Having friends who have had parts in low budget films, I have a warm spot in my heart for a movie like this. They are a "starting point" for talent and production people. And, if you think about it, the B-movie seems to have largely disappeared due to much better technology allowing slicker and better looking productions.

Do I recommend this movie? Sure! It'll give you something to tell your friends the next day.. "Holy crap did I watch a pretty rotten movie...but the girl in it was kinda hot for 1991!" Put this in your Que for "Bad Movies I Will never Own Up to Watching, But it Had Some Redeeming Reasons to Watch"...

4 out of 10, and that's being really generous.

Not like anyone really will see this page (unless accidentally via a search for ninja-themed movies, which is totally understandable), but for your own sake, do not watch this movie. I have seen perhaps twenty movies that are on the Bottom 100 (and many that should be, like this), and I can honestly say that this, along with Charge of the Light Brigade and 3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain, is the most unbearably bad movie ever.

It's not "so bad it's good," despite what some might think. It's "did human beings really think 'hey, let's make this movie' and why am I gritting my teeth so hard?" Honestly, even as spoof films go, it's terrible. Not one joke is funny. Not ONE. Some parts (the whole movie) are so unfunny, that one wonders if the script were written by anyone over the age of five.

It doesn't deserve to have the word "ninjas" in the title. It doesn't deserve to exist. Don't watch it. My friends and I did so that, hopefully, you all don't have to. Don't watch it.

I saw this movie for the first time about eight years ago, and I thought that it was the funniest thing I had ever seen. It didn't offer too much that I hadn't already seen, and even those jokes were delivered pretty badly. But I still love it!! I think that my major attraction to this movie is in that you can never quite tell what the people involved in this production were thinking. There are some gags in this movie that could have been really funny had they been pulled off by somewhat professional people, but the poor craftmanship in someway makes the movie much much better. It's a hard movie to obtain, but I recommend it to anyone who can find it. Even if it's not your kind of film, it should be experienced.