- Mad Dog: [singing] When the end comes I know, They'll say just a gigolo, Life goes on without me, I ain't got nobody
- Mike: [speaking] What, you got laid last night?
- Mad Dog: Mike, I don't get laid; I make love.
- Harold: I just want to know if you're happy. Are you happy? 'Cause I get paid either way.
- Glory: Life is what happens to you while you're waiting for your ship to come in.
- Milo: We'll go away. But you know what? We'll get her. Somebody'll get her. A hit and run, a mugging. Do you know what botulism is? We can get her with soup.
- Mike: Chivas and milk... I never forget a neck!
- Milo: Women.
- [Inhales/exhales deeply]
- Milo: Fuckin' women - you can't live with 'em; you can't kill 'em.
- Milo: You love her? I own her!
- [Glory catches Wayne counting money in the bathroom]
- Glory: How much am I going for?
- Mad Dog: About $40,000.
- Glory: Is that all?
- Mad Dog: Knocked down from 75.
- Glory: I must be out of season.
- [Frank is doing his routine for a group of cops]
- Milo: My friend, Phil, he wants to join the police department. He goes to the station, and starts filling out the application. They ask him, "Mr. Scarangello, how tall are you?" And he looks at his right hand and says, "Uh, five foot ten." And they ask him, "how much do you weigh?" And he looks at his other hand, and says, "Two hundred and three pounds." So then they ask, "Okay, and what's your first name?" He goes...
- Milo: [bobs his head from side to side] "Philly." They ask him, "what are you doing with your head there?" He goes...
- Milo: [bobbing] "Happy Birthday to me, Happy birthday to me...
- [laughter]
- Milo: [Speaking to MadDog] Hey ossifer, what's the word?
- Milo: [after being accused, by Mike, of killing the shooter that was left in the garbage pail] Oh and incidently, I don't know what you are talking about... a guy in a garbage pail... but uh, most of the people I know who don't die in bed... they usually wind up killing themselves.
- Milo: Are you married?
- Mad Dog: No. No, not personally, no.
- Glory: Going to Frank is like taking heroin to cure an alcohol problem, ya know?
- [last lines]
- Glory: Let's go home. Come on.
- Milo: Don't ever, ever fuck with me. Don't ever lie to me, disrespect me, underestimate me. If you do, your life becomes a raging sea. But, come to me like a man - come to me eyes open, head up, hand out, then I become more than a friend, more than a shoulder. I become the expediter of your dreams.
- Mad Dog: That's beautiful.
- Harold: You ought to try that tough guy shit with me sometime.
- Milo: Come on, Wayne. It's a girl.
- Mad Dog: Fight me for her! Fight me for her!
- Milo: That's playground, Wayne.
- Mad Dog: Fight me for her!
- Mad Dog: I'll be right back.
- [goes to get some twinkies, for a colleague]
- Mike: You're killin' him, Mad Dog... Get him some Melba toast.
- Mad Dog: From the direction of the blood on the window, I'd say your victim got whacked here - and your shooter was sitting in the front passenger seat there. You got a lot of blood in the doorwell - so the door had to be open at the time. Maybe he slipped in for a quick sale and the deal went sour or it was rip-off time and ba-boom.
- Mike: Slip your piece under the towel.
- Andrew: I got no beef with you.
- Mike: Are you sweet? Is that your problem?
- Andrew: Come on, I'm on the job.
- Mike: You ain't on my fuckin' job.
- Mad Dog: It's the first time I pulled out my gun in 15 years. I pissed on myself.
- Mike: You know why? Because you're a sensitive, intelligent indivdual.
- Mad Dog: You ever piss on yourself?
- Mike: Look, I would've walked in there and drilled the red-eyed little bastard - but that's just the way I am. But if I ever had an intelligent thought, it would die of loneliness. It all evens out. You know what I mean? Let me tell you something. Next time that happens, you're that scared - the best thing is sex. You're all adrenalized. You'll go off like a rocket.
- Mike: You're killing him, Mad Dog. Get him some melba toast.
- Mad Dog: Mike, do me a favor. My name's Wayne.
- Mike: Hey, Mad Dog, you know what I want for Christmas? Sixteen vestal virgins.
- Pavletz: Pick me up some Twinkies. There should be a little mini-mart open a couple of blocks from the scene.
- Mike: Twinkies? It's 2:00 in the morning, you fat fuck.
- Pavletz: Twinkies.
- Mike: If I was you last night, I would have been on the horn with every broad I knew who wasn't related to me by blood.
- Milo: Angie's father was on his deathbed. He calls his sons to him and says, "Put a hundred in my coffin. Each of you." In case, you know, you can take it with you. The guy dies. Angie's two brothers put in their yardage. Angie - drops in a check for 300 and takes out the cash.
- Milo: [to Glory] Don't let 'em schlong you on tips.
- Mike: That was balls up what you did last night. Don't kid yourself.
- Milo: The only thing cheaper than a hood is a cop. Cops. Forget about it. They squeeze the nickel till the buffalo shits.
- M.C.: Ladies and gentlemen. Dig it.
- Mad Dog: My wife - she thinks fucking and cooking are two cities in China.
- Milo: My therapist says that I crave recognition more than accomplishment. Maybe that's why I do stand-up. What the hell? I own the club. So, what do you think of my act?
- Mad Dog: I heard two Buddy Hackett jokes, a Pat Cooper, and a half a Lenny Bruce.
- Mad Dog: You know, I get this feeling me and you - we both wanna be someplace else. You know what I mean?
- Milo: Not me.
- Mad Dog: Okay. Not you.
- Mad Dog: Are you really connected?
- Milo: I know guys. Guys know me.
- Milo: All right, let the body heat coming up through your hand warm up the cognac. Give it a little swirl. Alright, take a little sniff. Nice, right? Okay, take a sip, but hold it. Don't gulp it. Just let it like - leak back down your throat.
- Mad Dog: I know how to drink cognac.
- Mad Dog: She was pretty nice about it. A nice person. I liked her. She was nice.
- Milo: She sounds like a bitch.
- Glory: Look, it's not what you think. It's not a sex thing. Jesus. Jesus.
- Glory: I'm like a thank-you present. I'm like - I'm like - I'm a seven-day singing telegram. I'm like one of those people that comes to your door in a gorilla suit with balloons.
- Mad Dog: Hey, the shooter? I know who he is. The net's closing.
- Milo: The net's closing?
- Harold: I like that. "The net's closing."
- Mad Dog: My wife - they should cross her with a - MacIntosh PC. Get a computer - that never goes down.
- Mike: Come on, you fuckin' hump. Come on, you hero. I want a taste of you. Let's go. Come on, get up.
- Glory: I would have cleaned the place for you, but I couldn't find any dirt.
- Glory: You ask a bartender or a waiter around here, "What do you do?" They say, "I'm an actor." "I'm a singer." "I'm a student." "I'm a writer." After a couple years, you have to be honest with yourself. I'm a bartender. A waiter. Waitress.
- Mike: Jesus, look at that shiner. Looks like that dog on "The Little Rascals". Who is it, Petey?
- Glory: Why is it the worst thing a guy can imagine happening to a woman... is that she fucked some other guy?
- Mad Dog: Okay, what about me? What if I get horny?
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