Lethal Ninja

Silly me, I thought ninjas could fight! Well, not according to this movie: the two leads (who are NOT ninjas) have about as much trouble taking them out as they would have with random people picked from the streets. They are so clueless and out-of-tune with their surroundings, in fact, that you can easily sneak up on them and twist their necks (aren't ninjas usually supposed to be the ones DOING that, instead of having it done TO them?). No wonder the bad guy says at one point "they've made a mockery of my men" - his men are his private ninja army, who are practically good for nothing, except rollerskating! There is one half-decent fight scene somewhere around the middle, against the only ninja who at least tries to put up some sort of fight; the rest of the fights are forgettable, and often poorly edited. The entire film is utterly forgettable, but some of the stunts are worthy of respect, so I'll be generous and give it *1/2 out of 4.

For Fans of bad movies, Amazon Prime is a gold mine. The vast majority of the selections go from the ridiculous to the redonkulous, including Bloodlock, Breeders, and Night of the Demon (a personal favorite). I added Lethal Ninja to my watchlist hoping for the David Heavener vehicle featured on Best of the Worst. It wasn't. Oh Lordy it wasn't. I was roughly five minutes into it when I heard my doorbell ring. I thought it was the ringing in my head (watch the movie and you'll understand), but it persisted. I opened the door, and there stood Miss Watson exclaiming "Face it, tiger! You just hit the jackpot." Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh Hell yes! If Amazon Prime is a schlock mine, I just hit the motherlode.

Two "actors" pretending to be Michael Dudikoff and Steve James go to Africa(?) to rescue not-Michael's wife from the clutches of Dr. Evil if he were played by the child of Sigfreid and Roy. Instead of going "plot point" by "plot point", I think I'll just state what the "film" has going for it.

A Fake Nostradamus prophecy about a savior from the east, who comes from the west.

A ninja who feels it necessary to teach people how to breathe. It's difficult, I know.

The most effeminate yet clichéd villain I've ever seen, down to the monocle and black cigarette holder.

The Carousel of Carnage.

A song that reminded my of my acid reflux disease.

The Roller Derby of Death. Should this film ever catch on, this scene will be up there with the popcorn scene in Troll 2 and the horny nurse scene in Samurai Cop. It's that incomprehensible.

A hapless ninja who get belted in the face with the backblast from a rocket launcher. Not intentionally.

The Waterslide of Slaughter.

Acting that can best be described as a cry for help.

So much non-medy that Rich Evans will kill himself.

Lastly, a plot that's harder to follow than Miami Connection.

Lethal Ninja is amazing. I just watched it, and it's already one of my favorite bad movies. I wanted to give it ten stars, but I thought that would be misleading, so it's bottomed out. Just like the alcoholics who made this.

Yes, you read it right, this defines insane action movies, not because of the huge amount of action, but because it's completely insane. If you are a regular viewer of the bottom 100 (which you must be to look at a movie like this) then you would have seen 'US Seals' on the least, at its worst the number 1 bottom movie. Now just think about that. How is it possible for somebody to make a movie which is worse than EVERYTHING. Think of the worst, most painful movie you've ever seen. These people have made a movie worse than that. And why is this relevant, you may ask?

Because the same team made lethal ninja. Except lethal ninja was a lot earlier, and a LOT worse. In fact, it's possibly the lowest quality movie i have ever seen, and i watch bad movies on purpose. However, it is also one of the most hilariously atrocious movies you will ever see. The makers seemed determined to throw in every crappy cliche they possibly could, so the dialogue is completely inane. It goes along like this:

Woman: What are you doing? Man(dangerously): Don't mock me you bitch.

You will find gems like these scattered (actually, the movie is drenched in them) throughout the movie. Now, on to the story.

I've watched it twice recently, but i still haven't managed to pick up the story. Thats not because of me, it's because it has the most glaringly obvious plot holes EVER. The story is something about some woman and her crew finding poisoned water in africa. Then boom, no explanation, ninjas are there slaughtering everybody (serious. Their swords even bounce off people. I thought they were sharp...). Then she is taken hostage by somebody in a hotel in south africa (She chooses just to wait there rather than escape). Her husband, the american yoga guy, hears about his, grabs his mate, and off they fly to south africa against the warning of this government guy. They just happen to stay at the same hotel as his wife (coincidence of course) and then the fun kicks in.

Because, you see, Lethal ninja is absoloutely insane. The first flaw is that the main guy is not even a ninja. I think they should have called 'Lethal Redneck'. Anyway, I'll give you a rundown of some of the flaws and stupidities. When they arrive in south africa, they are carrying machine guns, pistols and bazookas. The customs man asks them 'do you have any firearms' and they say 'just crossbows'. And then, faced with these 2 huge and obviuosly dangerous men, the man LETS THEM WALK THROUGH WITHOUT CHECKING FOR WEAPONS!!! When they get to the hotel, they know nobody, so naturally they just pick up the phone and dial a random number and ask 'wheres my wife'. Theres a tip for hostage situations. If your wife has been kidnapped, pick up the phone, make up a number, and then dial for instant success. Anyway, there are too many flaws, but you will see them standing in the desert or something, and then one of them will say:

'hey, we better check out that old fort'

And off they go. It seems that the script was improvised as they went along, because anybody could come up with a reason for looking at the old fort, but they DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT EXISTED!!!

Anyway, i grow tired of this. All in all if you're looking for one of the stupidest and funniest movies, rent this. And watch for the dance and musical number which i swear the director choreographed himself. You thought Aaron carter was bad? Wait till you hear and see this!

I believe I understand this movie. The message is:

If you have a problem you only have to wait, to hit the guys who try to kill you with only one beat or turn out the lights with your ninja-sword. ...Am I wrong ?

It is fun and pain to watch the hero of this movie, Ross Kettle (called "Joe" in the film), trying to look cool, pretending to fight with big men, knocking them down after almost no fighting and grabbing bigger men's...you know.

Problem 1: Ross Kettle is no action hero, he was good in "Santa Barbara" (a soap opera) and without him you could forget the movie completely, but he is just not right for the part.

Problem 2: One of the worst actresses I've ever seen: Karyn Hill, who plays Ross Kettle's kidnapped wife. Anyone could have been a better choice. If she was at least naked to convince us with her breasts...

Problem 3: The story...what story ? It would be ridiculous trying to explain what happens. It doesn't matter !

Problem 4: Explosions are nice and good fights are interesting, but is it really necessary to hear a sound like when Batman and Robin of the original Batman-series beat someone up, every time Ross Kettle, the hero (a joke, sorry), is knocking someone down ? Besides, there are no good fights here and explosions look like from a cartoon.

Pretending to be a movie for adults. Not even children would care, or perhaps the little ones !

Ross Kettle spends his time doing nothing in particular. His wife, microbiologist Karyn Hill, is in Africa, working with a doctor. The bad guys come up, kill the doctor, and take her captive in their efforts to bring to fruition a Nostradamus predicition that will enable their boss to take over. So Kettle flies to Africa with a friend, and proceed to wander around.

Some ninjas show up around the 40 minute mark -- although they're dressed in brown -- and attempt to take on Our Hero to no avail, since they insist on shouting at him before they attack. There is some location shooting in South Africa, but there is more in Los Angeles Chinatown. Poor acting, poor scripting, but at least the camerawork is adequate. It's just not enough by a long shot.