Troll II

This is it, folks: the worst movie ever made.

I know, I know, there are many who argue that "Plan 9 from Outer Space" and "Manos: The Hands of Fate" are worse "films" than this one. Well, I'd advise those people to give "Troll 2" another viewing, this time with an open mind. As something of a self-made authority on the worst of the worst in modern cinematic torture, I feel qualified to make the bold assertion that "Troll 2" is the cream of that particular crop.

From its laugh-inducing soundtrack (apparently recorded using only a vintage 1980s Casio keyboard) to its unilaterally awful acting, "Troll 2" is a life-changing experience, similar to the Middle Ages' trials by fire. If you succeed at ingesting this festering piece of cinematic detritus in one sitting, you will emerge a new person, like a phoenix rising from its own ashes. The watching itself may be painful, but it is ultimately worth the pain to be able to say, with conviction, "I survived 'Troll 2,' and I'm still technically alive."

The special effects in this movie are, indeed, special -- like a one-legged blind woman with Alzheimer's. Trivia: one of the various Emmanuelles from the infamous "Emmanuelle" series of soft-core porno movies designed this movie's pitiful costumes. That should give you some indication of their quality.

The acting -- my God, where do I start? Suffice it to say that, if you set any cast member on fire, I would lay down even money that he or she would have a hard time convincing onlookers that it hurt. They're really that bad. More trivia: One of Elliot's "boys" in this movie would later go on to reprise his role (Disposable Character in Bad Movie) in the Lou Diamond Phillips classic "Bats." Even more trivia: The father in this movie was a local dentist, and most of the extras were bona fide Utah residents, as well. Talk about low-budget.

Back to the soundtrack -- There's not a single scene in the movie where the music is appropriate to the on-screen action. I get the impression that the "composer" employed for this stinker was, in fact, a failed auditioner for Def Leppard's still-vacant keytarist position. Seriously, it's rare, even in straight-to-video dogs like this one, to hear music of this woeful caliber.

What more can I say that hasn't already been set forth in previous reviews? This is the worst movie I have ever seen, and that's saying something. It's physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting to watch this film -- I recommend doing it alone, at least the first time you see it...that way, you can concentrate on its truly majestic badness -- and on feeling your brain cells die off, one by one, until you are no longer able to speak.

Good luck to you, if you decide to watch this one. It doesn't get any worse than "Troll 2."

ADDENDUM (October 2007): This is still the worst movie of all time. Its status as such will never change. "Troll 2" is simply the perfect storm of bad writing, casting, direction, cinematography, costuming, score, makeup, effects, acting, editing, and inspiration.

UPDATE (June 2010): I just watched it again. Alone. In one sitting. God help me, some component of my brain must be fundamentally defective.

POSTSCRIPT (September 2013): This film continues to alter the life of each man, woman, and child with the good fortune/taste to bathe in its glory. I could not recommend it more strongly.

CODA (February 2021): This magnum opus infests my soul still. Daily, I am haunted by its indelible essence. I will never escape.

Yes, the acting is bad, the costumes are cheap and the music is laughable. But worst movie of all time? definitely not. I don't have the energy to dissect the film scene by scene nor would anyone want that, but I actually did enjoy certain aspects of the film, what I enjoyed was its 'campy' improvised feel, and how it always manages to avoid cliché, and that even in the most unconventional ways. The film has the creators stamp all over it and when he encounters a snag or hiccup in the plot, be damned to those who disagree with how one should deal it, he plows through it and comes up with his own completely unique solution no matter how illogical it may be. This is film this is make believe, I don't care if it makes sense it is actually refreshing to see a little bit of 'weird' now and then. That is not to say that I wholly enjoyed the film, I found it to drag on and several times let myself be distracted by other things while the film played, it is no great film even in its badness, it is bad for sure, but there were more than a few entertaining moments. For instance, Troll 2 has nothing to do with trolls, it is a movie about goblins, but hey whatever just a technicality eh? lololol.

Imagine....some really bored media students who have rented a motor-home and have loads of popcorn to be used. Then imagine a film where those are the most expensive things in it. This is that film. Troll 2 - yet has no troll. Just goblins. But hey. The first time I saw this, I wished I had been wearing a nappy or sitting on a very big sponge, it is that funny. Personally, I could not get up from rolling around on the floor, nor the people I was with, although they had it worse, as they kept falling off the bed. Unfortunately, it is funny without meaning to be, simply because it is that bad. It seems to just have people dragged in from the street in the leading roles, which could well be true. Maybe somebody was very drunk when they decided to make this film. Or when they made it. Or when they went ahead with all the stages of production. Just possibly. Anyway, it is hilarious. I got my DVD copy for £2. That says it all really I would say. Watch this film if you want to see: neon-coloured food, children in masks and dressed in sacks charging around a forest set to a dodgy 1990-theme, awful make up, worse acting, even worse dialogue, the funniest yokels ever (including Sheriff Freak - 'nuff said) and the mightiest weapon ever seen in any film ever. Go on, watch it. Best laugh of my life, could be yours too.

You often hear of movies that are so bad that they're good. It's hard to point to a single movie that is like this though. What some may say is "so good it's bad" may come off to others as just plain bad. However, everyone I have talked to who has seen this movie has agreed: Troll 2 is so horribly, shamelessly bad, that it is good.

The writing for film is more than awkward (take the redundant "Stonehenge Magic Stone"), and the character dialogue sounds so incredibly unnatural they might as well be robots. The reason for this is because the man who wrote the script and directed it, Claudio Fragasso, is a native speaker of Italian. He wrote the script in English when English was (barely) his second language. The acting is absolutely terrible, but who can blame them? This was most likely the first (and last) film any of these actors have been in.

The costumes and special effects have that wonderful B-movie quality to them. While there are many blaringly obvious errors, I find that the smaller ones are actually funnier. Actors shaking when time is supposed to be "frozen," or flies on their face during the climatic scenes. There are so many continuity mistakes that I sometimes found myself wondering if the director was putting them in on purpose. It was like every time the camera shot changed, the crew completely forgot how the previous shot was set up, and had the actors give their best guess on where they're supposed to be.

I think everyone needs to see at least a few horrible movies in their lifetime. Troll 2 is entertaining and hilarious, especially when watched with friends. The plot is ludicrous, but at least you never know what's going to happen next. Many scenes seem completely unnecessary, and this film simply does not bother to justify any of the things that happen in it. The end result is a horror B-movie that ends up being so horrible that you can't help but laugh. The only question I find myself asking now is do I give it a "1" because it was so bad, or a "10" because it was so good?

This IS the best movie ever made. Nothing I have experienced has displayed the degree of perfection attained by the geniuses (yes geniuses and nothing less) behind Troll II.

The story-line is gripping, believable, and damn scary. The Waits family is on a month long vacation in the country town of Nilbog, as part of the family exchange program. They leave the modern conveniences of their home to "rough it" in Nilbog's rural setting. I'm on the edge of my seat already, but wait, there's more. Young Joshua's deceased Grampa Seth comes back from the grave to warn the family of Nilbog's dangers. The beautiful Holly Waites's boyfriend tags along with his blatantly homo-erotic chums. There's something strange about the curiously unrefrigerated "Nilbog Milk." Oh, and did I forget to mention that the town is full of GOBLINS?!!!

The acting in this film can be summed up in one word and one word only: superfine. Every member of the Waites family was portrayed realistically and intriguingly. The chemistry between Elliot and Holly was so intense that I would be surprised to hear that there was not something going on off camera. The town matriarch has full command of the screen whenever she graces it with her presence. One actor takes the cake, however. Scene stealer Draco Floyd as the Store Owner is a sight to behold. He truly takes this movie that extra step into masterpiece. Watch for him. He'll give you chills.

The special effects are top of the line for 1992, and some of these techniques are still used today. Watch for the spear throwing, the regeneration of Creedence's hand, Grampa Seth in the mirror, "the shirt buttoning scene," the vegetable transformations, "the popcorn scene," and of course, the goblin costumes.

The underlying social commentary of Troll II was truly ahead of it's time. Homosexuality is dealt with on many different levels. Elliot and his boys are obviously repressed closet homosexuals. Their's is a constant struggle for acceptance into the Waites family. The town of Nilbog is in fact run by a lesbian who lusts after Holly Waits and takes great pleasure in the demasculinization of Arnold. Vegetarianism is approached more directly. The goblins turn their human victims into vegetables before devouring them. This says in no uncertain terms that everything you eat (plant or animal) was alive once, and killing is still killing. Troll II takes a chilling look at organized religion in the sermon scene. The Preacher (played by my father, I'm pretty sure of it) has his congregation in the palms of his hands and easily turns them against the lovable, freckled Joshua. Power like that belongs in no one man's hands.

On the whole, realism sells Troll II. It's scary because it COULD happen. Don't watch this one alone or at night, but DO watch it. You won't forget it.