Troll II

Written and directed by Claudio Fragrasso, a name that any self-respecting fan of bad films should be aware of, Troll 2 is a logic-free mess that features absolutely no trolls (vegetarian goblins, yes; trolls, no!), costumes by Laura Gemser (a woman who knows a lot about taking clothes off, but seemingly very little about designing them), bad 80s hair and fashion, a goblin queen by the name of Creedence Leonore Gielgud (who scrubs up rather nice and seduces a bloke with a cob of corn), lousy special effects and make-up, one of the most irritating child 'actors' of all time, and a crazy finalé that sees good triumph over evil with the help of a double-decker bologna sandwich and a rock from Stonehenge (quite what that is doing in Utah, I'll never know!).

Whilst there is no doubt that Troll 2 is a technically very poor film, I'm not entirely convinced that it deserves it's current position of number 59 on the IMDb bottom 100. I've seen tons of films that I have enjoyed far less than Troll 2—films with seemingly no redeeming qualities whatsoever, the celluloid equivalent of Ketamine; at least this one provides plenty of unintentional laughs and is so utterly bizarre in places that it kept me watching to the bitter end. Surely that's gotta be worth a rating of at least a 3/10?

P.S. If you should find yourself struggling to finish the film, there are always the Troll 2 drinking games to make things a little less painful; I suggest taking a shot every time piggy-nosed brat Joshua mentions his Grandpa Seth—you'll be plastered in no time!

This here is a treasure for bad movie buffs like myself. Absolutely unbelievable.

Perhaps my favorite scene is when the family is greeted by complete strangers holding a welcome party in the FAMILY's house. Well... their temporary house that they, uh... well, you'd have to see the movie. Anyways, they are in the house and some old lady is playing country music on the piano. Everyone goes "La la laaa la la la la la la laaaa" and there is this fantastic breathtaking shot of a person carrying a cake towards the family.

Well maybe my real favorite scene is where little Joshua is snooping during a town meeting. They are all discussing the evils of meat, sausages, and clusters of hemorrhoids.

I have never seen a more delightful piece of absolute trash in my entire life. Everything here couldn't be more laugh inducing. It's made on such a technically inept level it's unimaginable. Some of the most memorable (not in a good way) lines of dialog are presented here:

"Joshua is not a little s***, he's just very sensitive."

"If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your little nuts and eat them."

For a film that's titled "Troll 2" didn't it seem kind of strange that there were goblins and no trolls in the film? And don't let this fool you into thinking the original Troll film is terrible. It hasn't anything to do with that film.

Yes, my friends, if you want bad film-making, look no farther!

"Eggs! BLEH!"

I would like to begin my review by saying that watching this movie will be like taking a hot fork and shoving it in your eye socket for some people, whereas for others it will be the funniest F'n thing you've ever seen.

Before I get into the meat of the story or as I like to call it a double decker bologna sandwich…Troll 2 has nothing to do with trolls (just goblins), Troll 2 also has absolutely nothing to do with Troll 1. AHA but that's not all!!!! The guy who made the cover for Troll 2 didn't see Troll 1 or Troll 2!!!! The original cover of Troll 2 has a werewolf (Not in Troll 1 or Troll 2) chasing a little boy who doesn't even appear in either of the Troll movies! If that doesn't make you want to take your head and smash it against concrete, I don't know what does.

I will now begin with the double decker bologna sandwich part of my analysis. The film begins with Grandpa Seth talking to his grandson Joshua. Joshua is constipated throughout the film and grandpa is dead. You know the kind of dead where you say you will be gone forever and then you come back and then you say you will be gone forever and then you come back and then you give your 12 year old grandson a Molotov cocktail and then you say you will be gone forever and then you come back…that kind of dead. He tells that old story of how Peter Pan ran through the woods one day, ate green goup, and turned into a MLANT. The mother, played by Margo Prey (AKA greatest actress ever) assures Joshua that it was just a dream and goes onto explain that Grandpa's death was, "Very difficult for your father, for Holly, and for me his daughter." You may want to give that quote a second reading… The daughter is also brilliant in this picture. The chemistry between her and her boyfriend Elliott is sizzling!!! Ouch very hot! So sizzling that Elliott and his friends couldn't be more gay! Holly explains, "You take them to bed with you too (referring to Elliott's guy friends that are hanging out the window) and I don't believe in group sex". What??? Holly then explains that her parents don't like Elliott (that he is a good for nothing) and that they are going on vacation for a month. Ellliott then asks, "Is it true you're going on vacation tomorrow?" "Yes!" "I'll come with you?" "OK I'll tell my father that you're coming with us tomorrow" Believe me the movie keeps going…Joshua must do it he must do it! He must pee on everyone's food before they eat corn with green paste on it. Oh my god! Or how about "You're a genius big Sister!" Watch for the mother staring directly into the camera and yelling, "Oh dear god what can we do!" So they have this family exchange and they go to Nilbog and oh my god!

This movie is a pure masterpiece. It's so bad it's fantastic! I recommend everyone to give it one viewing just so you can say you've survived it's stupidity. Make sure you watch it with friends though…DO NOT watch this movie alone or you will lose your mind trying to figure out why anyone would make a movie this bad...I will leave you with this: Mother says "Elliott what are you doing here?" Daughter says "Elliott is part of the family now!" Mom puts her hand on Elliott's face, "Oh Elliott!"

Imagine....some really bored media students who have rented a motor-home and have loads of popcorn to be used. Then imagine a film where those are the most expensive things in it. This is that film. Troll 2 - yet has no troll. Just goblins. But hey. The first time I saw this, I wished I had been wearing a nappy or sitting on a very big sponge, it is that funny. Personally, I could not get up from rolling around on the floor, nor the people I was with, although they had it worse, as they kept falling off the bed. Unfortunately, it is funny without meaning to be, simply because it is that bad. It seems to just have people dragged in from the street in the leading roles, which could well be true. Maybe somebody was very drunk when they decided to make this film. Or when they made it. Or when they went ahead with all the stages of production. Just possibly. Anyway, it is hilarious. I got my DVD copy for £2. That says it all really I would say. Watch this film if you want to see: neon-coloured food, children in masks and dressed in sacks charging around a forest set to a dodgy 1990-theme, awful make up, worse acting, even worse dialogue, the funniest yokels ever (including Sheriff Freak - 'nuff said) and the mightiest weapon ever seen in any film ever. Go on, watch it. Best laugh of my life, could be yours too.

This is it, folks: the worst movie ever made.

I know, I know, there are many who argue that "Plan 9 from Outer Space" and "Manos: The Hands of Fate" are worse "films" than this one. Well, I'd advise those people to give "Troll 2" another viewing, this time with an open mind. As something of a self-made authority on the worst of the worst in modern cinematic torture, I feel qualified to make the bold assertion that "Troll 2" is the cream of that particular crop.

From its laugh-inducing soundtrack (apparently recorded using only a vintage 1980s Casio keyboard) to its unilaterally awful acting, "Troll 2" is a life-changing experience, similar to the Middle Ages' trials by fire. If you succeed at ingesting this festering piece of cinematic detritus in one sitting, you will emerge a new person, like a phoenix rising from its own ashes. The watching itself may be painful, but it is ultimately worth the pain to be able to say, with conviction, "I survived 'Troll 2,' and I'm still technically alive."

The special effects in this movie are, indeed, special -- like a one-legged blind woman with Alzheimer's. Trivia: one of the various Emmanuelles from the infamous "Emmanuelle" series of soft-core porno movies designed this movie's pitiful costumes. That should give you some indication of their quality.

The acting -- my God, where do I start? Suffice it to say that, if you set any cast member on fire, I would lay down even money that he or she would have a hard time convincing onlookers that it hurt. They're really that bad. More trivia: One of Elliot's "boys" in this movie would later go on to reprise his role (Disposable Character in Bad Movie) in the Lou Diamond Phillips classic "Bats." Even more trivia: The father in this movie was a local dentist, and most of the extras were bona fide Utah residents, as well. Talk about low-budget.

Back to the soundtrack -- There's not a single scene in the movie where the music is appropriate to the on-screen action. I get the impression that the "composer" employed for this stinker was, in fact, a failed auditioner for Def Leppard's still-vacant keytarist position. Seriously, it's rare, even in straight-to-video dogs like this one, to hear music of this woeful caliber.

What more can I say that hasn't already been set forth in previous reviews? This is the worst movie I have ever seen, and that's saying something. It's physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausting to watch this film -- I recommend doing it alone, at least the first time you see it...that way, you can concentrate on its truly majestic badness -- and on feeling your brain cells die off, one by one, until you are no longer able to speak.

Good luck to you, if you decide to watch this one. It doesn't get any worse than "Troll 2."

ADDENDUM (October 2007): This is still the worst movie of all time. Its status as such will never change. "Troll 2" is simply the perfect storm of bad writing, casting, direction, cinematography, costuming, score, makeup, effects, acting, editing, and inspiration.

UPDATE (June 2010): I just watched it again. Alone. In one sitting. God help me, some component of my brain must be fundamentally defective.

POSTSCRIPT (September 2013): This film continues to alter the life of each man, woman, and child with the good fortune/taste to bathe in its glory. I could not recommend it more strongly.

CODA (February 2021): This magnum opus infests my soul still. Daily, I am haunted by its indelible essence. I will never escape.