Snake Eater III: His Law

My movie group is a huge fan of the first SNAKE EATER - which has to be seen to be believed but we got our hands on the third installment and watched it tonight and we were howling with laughter. Lamas again with perfect hair and dead eyes and robotic line readings. A stuntman given a chance to be his sidekick "Cowboy" gives one of the worst uncomfortable performances on camera we've ever seen - he does everything but stare directly into the camera. The outlaw biker gang is one of those movie biker gangs - so not real, so cartoonish that it is unintentionally hilarious. The former pro wrestler Bam Bam Bigelow gives it his all as Goose - sadly he was dead by the age of 45 after a drug overdose. The acting is so lame, the fight scenes under rehearsed, the dialogue so bad it is hysterical - everything you want in a bad movie! Highly recommended to watch with pals and booze and weed.

Sitting here minding my business when this movie appeared in my queue. I'm not a fan of Lorenzo Lamas, I hold no ill will towards him either. 9/10 I would have searched for another movie. A small voice said go to IMBd. I see Bam Bam Bigelow has role. Let's rock. Bam Bam plays his role better than expected. I'm invested despite the uneven writing and the laughable fight scenes, which is played to almost comedic staging. When you get to the final set piece you begin to question why you wasted your time on this movie? Do not misunderstand the T&A in the movie scatter throughout. You could do better if your interest? The end of the antagonist is the payoff. I guarantee you will not see it coming and you will feel pretty good. All the actors performed their roles. I was invested in the antagonist, the female victim/heroin portrayed her role remarkably well. I had this misfortune to meet a woman who been through a similar experience. Her portrayal hit a little harder. I would not search it out, should it pop up in your queue a nice little background noise.

If you've seen any of the "Snake Eater" trilogy, you would know the following. The stories are based, well stolen, from many others. The first is an odd mix of "Miami Vice" and "Deliverance" (?)...the second is "Lethal Weapon", or any cop vs. drug world story, mixed with "The Three Stooges" and "Laurel and Hardy" (??)...and the third is pretty much every vigilante cop movie-only totally messed up. You would also know that it seems every line in these movies either makes absolutely no sense, is horribly acted, or is just plain hokey. Finally, every scene is directed with such an unmistakable ineptitude that it creates a disorientingly bizarre environment you will never forget.

This time, Mr. Eater (who has a needless other name, Solider, as well as his real name Jack Kelley) is suspended, for the millionth time, for handling a stick up in the deranged, overly violent fashion he is known for. He is hired by a family to protect their inexplicably (and unnecessarily) sex-crazed daughter...one who pulls down her skirt on first meeting with Soldier AKA Snake Eater AKA Jack Kelley. The story has no set direction and meanders into a biker gang subplot. Of course, you'll find nothing but laughs here.

Everything about this movie is laughable, including Lorenzo Lamas' signature destitute, blank performance. Eater's wingman this time is, wouldn't you know it, a deranged vigilante. The only difference between the two is that the wingman is an aged cowboy who is slightly more sociopathic in his unjustified killings. Its funny how every destructive thing Soldier accomplishes is completely not noble. He's not even an anti-hero, he's in a category all his own: psychopath wanna be anti-hero. It makes one wonder if the filmmakers and actors were trying to create something so awful that it is intentionally comical. I highly doubt it, but its a thought.

Lorenzo Lamas returns in his last go around as Soldier, this time the renegade cop takes on a gang of bikers who have caused trouble for suburban families. This time he's aided by Minor Mustain nicknamed "The Cowboy" This one is easily the weakest of the series, only because there isn't enough of the crazy ridiculousness of parts # 1 and 2. There are some shootouts but these are generally one sided and the bikers provide lame fodder for the vigilante and his Cowboy partner. Although the film starts of blissfully stupid enough, with Lorenzo Lamas pretending to be a robber, while another guy robs some place. (I think it was a store) Of course this then gives way to a moronic story with bikers doing things that only the wimpiest bikers do. Indeed if you want a good biker flick, check out Stone Cold for sheer fun ridiculousness. Snake Eater III:His Law is a sub par effort which is as terrible as what you would come to expect from Lorenzo Lamas.

*1/2 out of 4-(Poor)

This review was written in 1992, when this movie was a new release on home video, and was published in a Canadian daily newspaper. And yes, I consciously copied Joe Bob Briggs in my final paragraph back in those days.

SNAKEEATER III: HIS LAW (Rated R) - Cineglobe Video: Bikers, broads, breasts, and blown-up buildings - what B-movies are all about!

While I can't compare this killer sequel to its predecessors since I never saw them, I can say that is one of the best B action comedies of the year.

Lorenzo Lamas returns as Jack "Soldier" Kelly, an irreverent crimefighter with a twisted modus operandi. After getting suspended from the police force for "unethically" blowing the brains out of a would-be robber, Kelly is hired "under the table" by a wealthy couple whose daughter (Tracy Hway) was kidnapped, raped and severely traumatized by the local biker gang.

The subject matter may sound serious, it it's used pretty much to give Kelly someone to rescue when he runs out of ammo. This is the kind of guy who barters with a crazed druggie for "the rights to kill the hostage" and stabs another dude's feet to the floor.

When the bikers, led by the disgustingly fun Goose (Bam Bam Bigelow) abduct the girl again, Kelly teams up with Cowboy (Minor Mustain), a pistol-packin' wiseacre who's never at a loss for profane insults. Move over Murtaugh and Riggs, it's time for some new blood with better gags.

The final score: Sixteen body count, dispatched in inventive ways; five popped tops; two supreme naughty bits; wowie fight scenes; a great opening gag in a diner (Goose and his boys are so bad, they have reserved parking at the local choke 'n puke); Mustain gets all the best lines; Holly Chester becomes hollow chested when her boyfriend (Goose) finds out where Kelly hid her.

Three-time Snakeeater director George Erschbamer could head for the big leagues after a couple more flicks like this one.

(2023: well, we know that didn't really happen, but he still made some solid DTV action pictures during this era).