- [offering to give Maggie a make-over]
- Carol: Maggie, you are a very pretty girl.
- Maggie: No, I'm not.
- Carol: Yes, you are.
- Maggie: No, I'm not.
- Carol: Yes! But you make Mother Teresa look like a hooker.
- Peter: Oh, how can I put this delicately? It's just that I'm not really in the vagina business.
- [knocking on Peter's bedroom door in the middle of the night]
- Maggie: Fill me with your little babies!
- Andrew: So, how's the world of publishing?
- Maggie: Fine. Very busy.
- Andrew: Any news on the boyfriend front?
- Maggie: I was kind of seeing someone. An author.
- Andrew: And what happened?
- Maggie: He committed suicide.
- Andrew: Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't...
- Maggie: It's alright. Honestly. Really. I didn't really like him very much. I liked him even LESS after he committed suicide.
- Andrew: How did he do it?
- Maggie: Threw himself off a building.
- Andrew: Eek.
- Maggie: Couldn't even do that properly. It was only a three-story building. He would have survived, only a car ran him over.
- [Andrew chuckles]
- Maggie: It's not funny.
- Andrew: Oh, it is slightly funny, Maggie.
- Andrew: I think adults are just children who owe money.
- Carol: You know what I hate the most about being a public figure?
- Andrew: What?
- Carol: The public.
- Carol: I am not angry. I am just embarrassed. Is there anyone else down there you used to sleep with?
- Andrew: It was 10 years ago! Christ, 10 years ago, you were married to someone else.
- Carol: That is not the point. I did not try to keep it a secret.
- Andrew: I didn't try and keep it a secret. I just didn't think it was worth mentioning.
- Carol: Didn't think it was worth mentioning? You were ENGAGED to that FUCK-MONSTER down there and you didn't think it was worth MENTIONING?
- Andrew: No, I didn't!
- Carol: So she WAS a fuck-monster.
- Andrew: I did NOT say that!
- Carol: You did not DENY it!
- [Peter shows Andrew the play that the pair were working on before Andrew moved to the States]
- Andrew: [pointing at the page] That's still a good joke.
- Peter: [looking over] What is?
- Andrew: [reading from the page] I've never fallen in love. I've stepped in it a few times.
- Andrew: I was just sitting here trying to work out *exactly* how I ruined my life.
- Sarah: You think you're in trouble? I just tried to fuck a six-year-old.
- Andrew: [laughs] You know, it's like - kindergarten, school, university, Black Hole.
- Sarah: It's not that bad.
- Andrew: Oh, yes, it is. In fact, it's SLIGHTLY worse than that.
- Peter: [beginning voice-over] There are some friends you will have for the rest of your life. You're welded together by love, trust, respect, or loss. Or in our case, simple embarrassment.
- Andrew: [Pointing to Peter's belly] And what's all this then?
- Peter: It's called a pot-belly, Andrew. We have those in England, along with culture.
- Andrew: Ah!
- Carol: Do you have any Equal?
- Peter: I'm sorry, I'm famous for having no equal.
- Andrew: [Struggling with Carol's suitcase] What the fuck have you got in here? Weights?
- Carol: Yes.
- Roger: Ben, please. Play with the tractor that cost Daddy £40, not the box it came in.
- Peter: [to Andrew] Did you bring a surfboard?
- Andrew: No, that's just Carol.
- Peter: I believe I am what is commonly termed bisexual, which is by the by because actually I no longer sleep with men or women. But if I did, I promise you, you'd be right up there on my wish list, together with Michelle Pfeiffer and... River Phoenix.
- Carol: [giving Vera a £5 note as a bribe] Why don't you do me a baked potato, steam me a few carrots and grill me a piece of chicken without the skin?
- Vera , Paul's Mom: [returning the £5 note] Why don't you go down to the shops, buy whatever you want and cook it yourself?
- Carol: Did you never see "Upstairs, Downstairs"?
- Peter: I can think of no finer, fluffier, shinier people to see in the new year with than with your good selves.
- Sarah: We can't all have our lives figured out as well as you do.
- Andrew: I didn't say I had my life figured out, I said I had YOUR life figured out, love.
- Peter: It's not going exactly as I planned.
- Andrew: [at the height of his drunken fury] Why the fuck did you invite me eh? You know, why the fuck any of us? Why this year, not any other bloody year? Is it because all our fucking lives are in such an optimum fucking mess that it needs Peter the Saviour to send us out on the world on New Year's Day, resurrected and directed? Because I'm here to tell you if that's your aim, my old fruit, from bitter fucking experience it hasn't worked!
- Maggie: How's Ben?
- Mary Charleston: [as if introducing herself at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting] My name is Mary, I'm an overprotective mother, and I've only phoned twice, today, and he's fine.
- Maggie: [explaining her disastrous come-on to Peter] I went upstairs and threw my clothes off.
- Carol: That's direct. What'd he say?
- Maggie: [beginning to sob] He said he wasn't in the vagina business.
- Carol: [taken aback] That's direct too... Has Peter ever been in the vagina business?
- Maggie: Yes. He slept with Sarah!
- Carol: Oh, there's a surprise. Was she engaged to Peter too?
- Maggie: No, they just had a brief affair.
- Carol: Thank you very much for dinner, Peter. I enjoyed watching it.
- Andrew: I can't believe Sarah. She seems to exist on a diet of fresh air and bonking!
- Carol: You should know!
- Sarah: It could have been worse.
- Andrew: Yes, Sarah. It could have been worse. They could have attached electrodes to our genitals.
- Peter: How long have you been married now?
- Andrew: Almost three years.
- Peter: Quite a long time for Hollywood, isn't it?
- Andrew: Yeah.
- Peter: Don't you get some kind of a plaque?
- Andrew: Yes. We stay together five years I get a free hair transplant and she gets a new set of breasts.
- Peter: What, so she'll have four?
- Andrew: Yes, but her agent gets one.
- Peter: And you know, when you think about it, that's exactly what happens to us when we're born. We're dropped down a random chimney and we have to get on with the strangers we find there. Typical Chesterton there to describe a chimney as a kind of uterus.
- Sarah: I'm disappointed in you. You used to be so romantic.
- Andrew: Yeah, well now I'm rheumatic.
- Sarah: You'll probably be stuck with that Joan Collins impersonator for the rest of your life!
- Andrew: You're talking about the woman I almost love.
- Sarah: God, I've never seen anyone wear more makeup! How does she take it off? With a chisel?
- Andrew: Oh, the fucking underground song! What a piece of shit! Who wrote that?
- Roger: Guilty.
- Andrew: I've always loved that song.
- Peter: [to Vera] I do wish you'd please try as a personal favour to me not to be quite so... *Gothic* to my friends.
- Peter: It's funny, with both my parents gone, I suddenly have this overwhelming urge to act maturely.
- Andrew: Oh, well, I don't think anybody really matures. Adults are just children who owe money.
- [Carol is exercising vigorously on the kitchen floor]
- Maggie: What are you doing?
- Carol: Donkey kicks. I've eaten every thing in the place, and I'm trying to work it off before morning. I used to be bulimic. A year ago, I'd be in the bathroom throwing it all up. I'm much healthier now!
- Andrew: It's New Year's fucking Eve! Even the pope has a drink on New Year's Eve.
- Sarah: The pope doesn't get unpleasant.
- Andrew: Am I unpleasant anyone?
- Mary Charleston: Ben's fine.
- Andrew: [In a blind, drunken stupour] Oh, can't you let one fucking hour go by without ringing the fucking baby sitter?
- Roger: She's concerned about our child, Andrew! No need to be aggressive.
- Andrew: [Sneers] Was that Roger the jingle writer? Did she speak?
- [Snickers drunkenly]
- Roger: I'd rather be Roger the jingle writer than Andrew the miserable bastard! I've never understood you. You'd like to think it was Hollywood but you were like this ten years ago.
- Andrew: Like what?
- Roger: Self-loathing!
- Peter: [Andrew is furiously drunk and spewing hateful comments at everyone, causing arguments between the others] Look, look, it's two minutes to midnight... can we please just try to be nice to each other?
- Andrew: Yeah, yeah, let's try to be nice to each other. Cause it's New Year's fucking Eve, isn't it? New Year's fucking Eve, in Peter's fucking mansion, where Peter gets to be the lord of the manor, and I get to regret ever leaving England!
- Peter: Andrew I know this isn't you speaking, this is 'drunk you'.
- Sarah: [Sarah is telling Peter about catching Maggie with Paul] There they are, in bed, together!
- Peter: With Maggie on top?
- Sarah: Like she was in a rodeo!
- Maggie: Your overreaction, though understandable, is an overreaction.
- [Peter has explained to Carol that she and Andrew are in his room, and should be in the one next to it]
- Carol: If this was my house, I'd want the best room too.
- [Picks up one bag]
- Carol: Andrew, bags!
- [She leaves]
- Andrew: She's fine when she's asleep
- Carol: [from hallway] I heard that!
- [Andrew has been ranting drunkenly at great length. Then Peter shocks his friends by telling them that he is HIV-positive, making Andrew's problems seem small by comparison]
- Andrew: I am an absolute dribbling arsehole. I'm sorry, everybody. I'm sorry, Peter. Oh, Peter!
- [Andrew hugs Peter]
- Carol: [doing aerobics] I could FEEL the cellulite building up on me on the plane. I wonder if any airlines have planes with gyms ON them.
- Andrew: It's funny. I was gonna suggest we flew Gym Air, but I thought you'd prefer a plane with a seat.
- Carol: I think a gym on a plane is a GOOD idea.
- Andrew: And that's what makes you, you, darling.
- Carol: Now, you promised you'd be nicer to me on this trip.
- Andrew: That's cuz I thought we'd be getting away from it all. I didn't realize you were gonna bring it all with you.
- Carol: You'd love me less if I were fat.
- Andrew: [hesitates, about to speak, sighs] I think I'll take a walk.
- Carol: I was married to a Bisexual.
- Maggie: What happened?
- Carol: He left me. For another woman, the ultimate put down.
- Andrew: We went down about as well as a turd souffle.
- Andrew: Carol will be down in a minute. She's just gluing her hair on.
- Andrew: Now I don't know what this is about, but if I have something unfortunate hanging out of my nose and no one's told me, you're in big trouble.
- Andrew: It's shit with a capital "sh".
- Carol: Look at this armoire! Is it real?
- Andrew: No, its imaginary!
- Peter: We've only got the three days, Maggie. It would be nice to make it into the house at some stage.
- [Carol, Maggie, Peter and Andrew are listening to the squeaking from upstairs, which they presume is Sarah and Brian, when Sarah arrives in the kitchen]
- Sarah: Hi, guys.
- [the others turn to face Sarah]
- Peter: Now, that's what I call an extremely long dick.
- Andrew: Well, if it isn't Sarah, is it us?
- Maggie: It can only be Roger and Mary!
- Peter: I assume they must have resolved their differences last night.
- Andrew: [telephone rings] This is the acid test
- [Squeaking stops for a few seconds, before resuming]
- Andrew: Darlings!
- Peter: Well, if you'll excuse me, I better go!
- [Exits]
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