Scorpion

One of the stupid sub-genres I love is low budget action films starring foreign born "martial arts masters." This one features Tonny Tolleners, a dude whose primary claim to fame is that he once beat Chuck Norris in some type of contest. That must have been many years before this movie was made.

I am usually willing to grade on a curve in the case of these low budget films. Actually the budget on this probably wasn't too low since it had a few semi-known professional actors in it. But since it was a product of Crown International Pictures, I'm sure they didn't break the bank putting this down on celluloid.

Those professional folks do the best they can, but the movie is stuck with a lead who can't act. This was Tolleners' only film. Where he should stand out, the action/fight sequences, he also fails to impress. And that my friends, denotes a BIG problem. When you have a "martial arts master" who can't fight worth a damn (or at least appears that way due to the way the fights and stunts have been staged), then you are really doomed as a movie. Pacing here is deadly slow. I was hoping for the hero to get shot just so some excitement would ensue. Also aggravating is the middle 1980's synthesizer based musical score, which has not aged well in any way, shape or form.

I did like the scene filmed in my old neighborhood, downtown Los Angeles around Fifth and Main, seen in far too many films and TV shows standing in for "generic urban slum." Bet that's not the only time somebody got shot in the stairwell of the Rosslyn Hotel.

This movie can be avoided by all but the most masochistic fan of 1980's action films.

Somewhere in the lackluster shell of this boring, undistinguished movie is a much better movie trying to get out. Oh, wait...that better movie is "Bullitt", which was already a classic, so this movie is entirely superfluous.

It's weird how all these "Crown International Picture" action releases make me long for the days of Cannon/Golan-Globus, who may have made this kind of genre action/martial arts movie with their frontal lobes firmly stuck in "neutral", but at least knew how to pace their scenes and pack them with delirious, cheesy silliness.

There are some decent individual performances here especially from the actor who plays the hero's partner. There are even some good setups and some nice framing shots.But the lead can't carry the movie. Think Chuck Norris without the charisma, and you've got poor Tonny T. He's not a complete stiff, but he's in over his head, and the director can't seem to help him. I feel bad for the guy - whatever potential he had, this movie buried his chances of ever improving as an actor.

Throw in some king size plot holes, some badly choreographed action sequence and some major failures of common sense in the screen play, add some leaden pacing and clinker ridden dialog, and you're left with an extremely forgettable movie.

Don't bother with "Scorpion" unless you are desperate for a movie fix.

An American secret agent called Scorpion is tasked with protecting a terrorist who is set to testify against his cohorts. The job goes wrong and Scorpion's childhood friend is killed in the process, he now has a personal agenda and hunts down the killers.

Scorpion is a typically low budgeted Crown International Pictures release. It's a martial arts action flick which is extremely generic. That said I did find it consistently entertaining so it gets pass marks from me. It does have a fairly non-descript leading man, who it seems wasn't really an actor to begin with and didn't go on to make any other films. Yet the film does have a sprinkling of other people you may recognise from other b-movies, most surprisingly to me was seeing John Lazar – who played the indescribable Z-Man in Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970) – appear in an utterly minor role late in the film. What a waste! Anyway, it was at least nice to see him pitch up in something else. Anyhow, for what it's worth the action in this one takes place in Spain and Hawaii, as well as mainland USA. There are quite a few fights and guns to ensure things remain interesting. All things considered, I thought this one was pretty good fun. Oh and I also thought the poignant 'shoving over the statue' scene was pretty funny.

"When Terror Rules, Only One Man Can Break Through!" The one and only Tonny Tulleners stars in his one and only movie role as Agent "Steve Woods"and gives a appropriately wooden performance, but what else would you expect? He is not an actor. He is a karate champion who beat Chuck Norris at least once in real life. His agent codename is "Scorpion"....you don't want to get stung by this guy! The action "kicks off" in Spain when Tonny injects himself into a barroom brawl. We don't know why but he looks cool with his killer 'Stache and a nylon jacket with brown bell bottoms and boots. Then after some confusing and unnecessary location changes, hopping from Spain to Holland to Hawaii and finally settling in L.A., the story begins.

In a plot that is as relevant today as it was in 1986 (when the movie was made), terrorists take over an airplane and only one man can stop them: Larry Storch. No! It's "Scorpion" of course you fool! In an actual plot point, Woods' boss, who looks a lot like Phil Rizzuto, tells him to wear shorts when boarding a plane that terrorists have taken over. It is still on the runway and filled with hostages. The reasoning is that the terrorists will see he is not carrying a gun. Woods takes his pants off and changes into some white short-shorts. Little did the terrorists know, his fists n' feet are the real weapons. Most of the hijackers are dispatched in short order. The main baddie, "Faued" is left alive and then a 90 minute cat & mouse game ensues....Tonny style.

A creepy looking blond guy and his black partner stalk Tonny and eventually get beat up by him, and unfortunately in one of the many melees, his partner and childhood friend kicks the bucket. There is an emotional flashback of Tonny and his friend in a park where they demonstrate their strength and try to push over a statue. This strength wasn't enough to save his friend later in life. Tonny is very broken up about it. He is tough man, but he has a soft heart (and a soft voice to match). His new partner inexplicably carries around a wooden recorder and starts playing an annoying tune. This clown can't live up to Tonny's fallen partner.

A highlight of the film is the rockin' music. It was probably made by a guy playing the keytar and making a wicked "Keytar face". Tulleners beats up the bad guys with quiet dignity and grace.

Get beat by Tonny once tonight with this classic!

Comeuppance Review by Ty & Brett

For more insanity, check out comeuppancereviews.com

Okay, full confession: My "review" is based soley on Razorfist's review on his YouTube channel, and even through that "buffer" the movie was painful to watch.

In short, avoid the movie proper -- unless you're a gluten for punishment -- watch Razor's review.