- Scary German Guy: [as Sean, Patrick, and Horace are leaving Scary German Guy's house] I expect you boys thought I was some kind of monster myself, mm? A vampire, perhaps? That's quite all right. But I am not, you know. If I were a vampire, then I wouldn't have a reflection...
- [points to mirror, where he is clearly visible]
- Scary German Guy: ... now would I?
- Horace: Man, you sure know a lot about monsters.
- Scary German Guy: Now that you mention it, I suppose I do.
- [Scary German Guy closes door, revealing a concentration camp tattoo on his wrist]
- Patrick: You're not a virgin are you?
- Patrick's Sister: [shakes her head]
- Patrick: No? What do you mean No?
- Patrick's Sister: Well, Steve... but he doesn't count.
- Patrick: DOESN'T COUNT?
- Phoebe: [outside the tree house, wanting to join the club] Mom says you have to let me in, or else it's prescription!
- Sean: That's "discrimination", jerkoid! Prescription is drugs... which you're on, if you think you're getting in here!
- Phoebe: [DELETED LINE] What is this, the Masters of the Universe Woman-Haters' Club?
- Sean: [DELETED LINE] That's HE-MAN, Phoebe! *He-Man* Woman Haters' Club, not Masters of the...! Okay, I can dig how that might be confusing. But you're still not getting in.
- Det. Del Crenshaw: [about the killer in the 12th Groundhog Day movie] I thought they killed him in the last one.
- Sean: They did, he returns from the grave.
- Det. Del Crenshaw: He always returns from the grave. If they blew him up, put his head in a blender and mailed the rest of him to Norway, he would still return from the grave!
- Sean: That was part 7.
- Patrick: [going to approach Scary German Guy] So what's German for 'please don't murder us'?
- Scary German Guy: [comes up behind them] Bitte uns nicht Mord zu tun.
- Opening Text: One hundred years before this story begins... it was a time of darkness in Transylvania... A time when Dr. Abraham Van Helsing... and a small band of freedom fighters... conspired to rid the world of vampires and monsters... and to save mankind from the forces of eternal evil... They blew it.
- Eugene: Is she a versgin?
- Scary German Guy: Yes, she can do it!
- Patrick: She can't read, she's five years old!
- Scary German Guy: I'll help her!
- [Dracula throws dynamite in the boys' tree house]
- Dracula: Meeting adjourned.
- [the tree house explodes]
- [At the treehouse the squad does a team huddle with their hands. Pete, the dog, lifts its paw on top]
- Rudy: How does that dog get up here anyway?
- Patrick's Sister: [about the Scary German Guy] Why don't you have him read it?
- Patrick: He's not a virgin!
- Patrick's Sister: Did you ask him?
- Detective Sapir: That's it, Del. This case is too hard, man, Let's be firemen instead.
- Det. Del Crenshaw: I'm glad you're gettin' major laughs outta this, Rich. The problem is two-thousand year-old dead guys do not get up and walk away by themselves.
- [holds a glinting sharp knife in the dim sunlight of his living room]
- Scary German Guy: Boys, time is almost up.
- [after a moment pause]
- Scary German Guy: For last chance of some pie.
- Detective Sapir: So let me get this straight. You're telling me there was this two-thousand year-old mummy here, right? But now he's not here. He's gone. Vanished. History. And you're saying you didn't hear anybody come in here or leave, is that right? Can you hear me now? Hello!
- Night Watchman: I can hear you fine.
- Detective Sapir: So nobody took the mummy.
- Night Watchman: I would've heard them.
- Detective Sapir: 'Course he would've. What a stupid question. Did you take him?
- Night Watchman: No sir!
- Detective Sapir: Just a shot.
- Sean: I think there are monsters, like real ones! I heard my dad talking on the phone to a guy down at the police station tonight. There was a guy down there screaming he was a werewolf, and they shot him! And the body disappeared from the coroner van, the coroner guy was dead!
- Rudy: So what? He got shot and the werewolf took his body?
- Sean: No you bean head! He WAS a werewolf! Maybe
- Rudy: Yeah but if they shot him?
- Sean: It must've been regular bullets, not silver ones. Look I know this sounds stupid, a mummy disappeared from the museum tonight.
- Eugene: Mummy came in my house!
- Sean: Guys, Dracula might be here too.
- Patrick: Oh man, Fat Kid farted!
- Horace: Did not!
- Sean: God damn will you guys SHUT UP? Didn't you hear a word I said? These guys are dead, get a clue! Something's out there and it's killing people! And if it's monsters, nobody's going to do a thing about it except us!